First of all: I've always been sure of my sexuality. I've always known that I'm not 100% gay and that sometimes I experience romantic feelings for women, and if they're really hot, I'd probably have sex with them. But for the most part I imagine myself spending the rest of my life with a guy and I am totally and 100% sexually attracted to guys. So, I identify as gay. Anyway, there's this teacher in my school who I spend a lot of time with (she oversees a project I'm involved with). She's OK looking, but she's not amazingly attractive by any stretch of the imagination. I know this because I don't think anyone else finds her hot. But we get on SO well. Like she's at least ten or twelve years older than me (even though she is really cool and could pass for a bit younger) but like she tells me about her problems and stuff and asks me advice on how to deal with other teachers. Sometimes I could be sarcastic or something and then we both realise that maybe what I've said isn't right coming from a student and directed towards a teacher, so then we act all professional for a day or two and go back to being all friend-like after that. The project we're involved in requires us to email A LOT. Like several times a day when it comes up to an important deadline. And we send like smiley faces and stuff and joke around by email. She even said the other day that she's never received so many emails from anyone and she seemed happy about it. So anyway, I know she like considers me "a friend" and I consider her "a friend" too (well that's the impression I get). When I leave school at the end of the year, I'm like contemplating telling her that I'd like to be friends, but I don't know how that would work. I'd also be afraid that she just really likes me as a student and doesn't really want to be friends. ANYWAY: I can't tell whether I just really like her and want to be friends with her or whether I'm actually attracted to her! Like I mean sex with her doesn't totally turn me off or anything. It scares me that I could imagine spending the rest of my life with her when all along it's always been guys. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? BTW: She is never anything less than totally professional. She's never done anything out-of-bounds as far as teacher-student relationships go. And she has a boyfriend, who she has mentioned. Also, she doesn't know I'm gay, but I don't think that's relevant given that the issue is not that she's attracted to me. (And I know this because she made a joke yesterday that I must be really upset that a really hot teacher has got engaged.)
Just because you prefer to date men than women doesn't mean that you are gay. That's like eliminating the label 'Bisexual' and restricting it to "You're either homosexual or you aren't." ...What I'm saying is that dating men doesn't make you gay. Sexuality is based on what gender you're attracted to, not who you rather date. I'm sorry but I had to state that out, so it's best to not be in the verge of denial. Who knows if you'll end up dating a women in the future? Will you then consider yourself straight afterwards? What's so frightening about a dating a women? You need to be more open with yourself, and stop putting restrictions or else you'll be in "confusion" forever. But moving on, I'm honestly contemplating on what to advise you... A student and teacher being close friends or even friends may seem a bit awkward in society. But what I don't understand is what is so important about becoming friends with her? Is your reasons reasonable enough? Remember she's engaged, are you sure it won't hurt you considering you might like her? Being acquaintances seems suitable enough though. I mean, if you're still in High school I suggest try and distracting yourself from the teacher and talking with other people that god knows you will probably end up falling for (whether a man or a woman.) And it would be your decision later on after you finish High school to whether you want to be actual friends instead of just constantly being acquaintances. Right now if I were you I would just let things remain stagnant between you both -- just keep it lean.
The idea of sex with her "doesn't totally turn you off or anything?" You are so gay. That is not being attracted to someone, attraction isn't just being okay with something. It seems like you really admire her. And maybe have some non-sexual romantic feelings for her. But you don't seem to really want to have sex with her. I think it's normal, when you feel close to someone and really like them, to feel like sex would at least be okay. That's how so many gay people manage to be married to opposite sex people for really long periods of time. When I was your age, there were male friends of mine that I thought--"Well, if he likes me or something, I could go out with him, and that would be okay." And I sort of thought that that was the same as "liking" them. But it isn't really. Actually being attracted to someone is more active than that. Most teachers like it when students keep in contact with them, it gives their lives meaning. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to be friends with her.
Woah, I feel like you've totally misinterpreted pretty much everything I've said. I know I'm not 100% gay, but I identify with it because: 1. I am sexually attracted to guys every single day of the week 2. I am romantically attracted to guys every single day of the week 3. The only thing that makes sense in my mind is to spend the rest of my life with a guy 4. The times when I am attracted to women, it is not in any way as strong as my attraction to guys I'm not in any state of denial, in that the very first paragraph of my post acknowledged that I've have been attracted to women in the past. I really have no idea where your post came from. What do you mean you don't understand what's important about becoming friends with her? I didn't say it was important. For God's sake, why does anyone want to become friends with someone? Well, um... because they want to. We get on extremely well and really enjoy each other's company. There are very few people like that for me, and I get the impression for her, too. I'm not looking for a "suitable enough" situation here. ---------- Post added 10th Mar 2013 at 04:59 AM ---------- Wow, it makes me sick how great you are at giving advice. What you've said makes perfect sense, once again. Thank you. Does anyone know how I could suggest being friends with her when I'm leaving without giving her the impression that I'm attracted to her? A "by the way, I'm gay" doesn't seem to cut it, unless it comes up in conversation sometime before then.
I just want to echo everything Ianthe wrote here because I've had the same exact experience. The only obvious difference is that I've experienced it toward women rather than men. I don't find women unattractive or disgusting. I think I could potentially have sex with one if I had too. In some ways, I'm even curious as to what it feels like compared to a man. I mean, I don't find vagina's repulsive in the least, I think they're cool and even kinda hot. The hang up that I run into isn't the vagina - it's what it's attached too. I've even felt really strong feelings toward some women that I would define as love. However, it isn't even close to the feelings that I have for men... it's completely different. With a guy there is this intensity, desire, and passion that just doesn't exist there for a woman. Yet, I still can develop strong feelings that I would define as love - just not romantic love - toward a woman. ---------- Post added 10th Mar 2013 at 03:56 AM ---------- Just don't cut off contact once the project is done. Say something like, "I really enjoyed working on this project with you. I never imagined I'd have this much fun. I hope we can stay in contact even after I head to college." Then just continue to e-mail her now and then, call her up, text her... whatever. Stay in touch. It's somewhat hard to be friends with the professional dynamic going on - she's still your teacher and you're her student. However, once you're no longer part of her class, that ends and you both can be more like friends. It's really that professional relationship (due to the difference in power) that stands in the way of you both being friends, IMO. Eventually, I think you should come out to her as that'd be a good way to bridge the divide between teacher and student. Although, I'd wait till this project is done and near the end of the year. This way you aren't stuck working with her if her response isn't all that great and things become uncomfortable. However, ideally by coming out to her you can be more open about yourself. After you head off to college you can talk about the guys you meet or are trying to date, and she can talk about her family life. By moving the subject away from school and toward more intimate and private things you're building a more legitimate friendship.
I don't see why wanting to sustain the friendship (or make the friendship official) after you graduate is a bad thing. It might be awkward for some teachers, but not all teachers feel that way. Some are very attached to their students and want to see how they progress. As far as how to initiate that... well, I don't know. I'm a very direct person, which kind of works against me at times, lol. I feel like this situation may call for you to be not so direct. Now on the subject of pursuing anything beyond a friendship—which you didn't directly talk about, but I felt you were hinting at it—I think you shouldn't. She has a boyfriend, and I think that needs to be honored, not just for the boyfriend's sake, but for her as well. Just my two cents. ♥
Best advice I got from my friend a year ago: Don't bother trying to label yourself. You could spend the rest of your life trying to decide how gay you are, and even then you may never know. If you do like her, no matter what you've thought up until now, the only person stopping you is yourself.* Just go with your heart-gut! ;D Anyway: Are you sure she doesn't know you're gay? Many girls do have a strong sixth sense for these things (I know I sure do- I generally only have to look at people to figure out their sexuality), and then it's possible she's being friendly and open towards you because she feels it's safe to discuss them. *(And possibly the board of education. It's probably not the best idea to try and get too close to your teacher, especially because she's already taken. But hey, I can only advise.)
So here's feedback from a female teacher. I have very good rapport with most of my students and in a select few, I would say there is a relationship beyond the typical teacher one. Your interactions seem to push the limit but who am I to say what that limit is. I am very careful of those boundaries with current students in the school. I also caution other teacher friends that I feel might push those boundaries because all it takes is one accusation of impropriety and you could find yourself without a job. Moving towards graduation: It is common for some students to want to keep in touch. I don't discourage that. It's perfectly acceptable to ask if it would be ok to keep in touch after graduation. I still keep in touch with many of my former students. There is one student however that I felt wanted to start something other than friendship. It was very awkward. I wasn't really sure if I should say something to discourage him since he never actually attempted to kiss me or anything. It was just not something I wanted to pursue. At the time, he was not a student and so I simply mentioned my boyfriend at the time in a few conversations and then the emails stopped. I have not socialized with former students after graduation other than events like their college graduation, their wedding, a new baby or a funeral. I do have a teacher friend that has gone out to dinner and events that seem like "dates" to me with former students. I don't think that is the norm though. I do think that if you were "out" to her that would put you in the "safe" zone if you truly want only friendship. If you are hoping to pursue something romantically, I don't think that would happen until you have been out of school for quite a few years. Best of luck.
That's some really nice advice. Thanks so much. Yeah, I agree with you both, and I was definitely thinking along those lines when it comes to being out to her. A male student wanting to be friends would probably seem to her that I'm interested in her. (While yeah, I was a bit confused by my feelings since I like her in a friend way so much, I now know after reading Ianthe's post that it wasn't really the case that I'm attracted to her.) I really don't want it to be even an "event" really. I just want it to come out in passing. Given that I'm pretty much out to most people, it probably wouldn't be too awkward. It's just that it has never come up in a discussion with a teacher before. I'm not the kind of person who feels the need to tell everyone. I really can't see her reaction being bad really, given that most younger people are OK with it, and secondly given that she's female. Those two combined generally seem to produce an understanding and accepting person where I live. God, no — I haven't even considered anything beyond a friendship. I just wanted to confirm that what I was feeling was kind of normal. I suppose I was kind of worried that I was shutting off a side of myself where I might be attracted to women. I am slightly attracted to women, but it completely pales in comparison to my attraction to men. Again, the posts above explained how I'm feeling, and I'm glad I brought the topic up. I just want to be friends with her! Well, I'm really not obviously gay. Some people do instinctively know, but others definitely don't and are shocked when I tell them. My guidance counselor is himself openly gay, and his exact words were that "99% of teachers wouldn't be able to tell". And I did think that maybe she did know until on Friday when the four of us involved in the project and her were talking about an incident involving a teacher, and it came up that this particular, highly attractive teacher was married. I was surprised she was married, and she said something like "oh, you must be upset that she's married" kind-of thing, as if I would be attracted to her. I'm interested in this. In what way do you think her actions push the boundaries? I would have thought along the same lines as you, but I've discussed how well I get on with her with my parents and with my friends, and none of them think it's odd. Hmmm. I feel asking if it would be "ok to keep in touch" would make it too awkward. I just want it so that it just feels natural and it's like an evolution of our current relationship without making her feel awkward. I don't know. You see: this is what I totally want to avoid. Even though I did have those confusing feelings for her, I always really only wanted to be friends. I just wanted to clarify what my feelings were. That's why I think coming out to her would be a good idea, in a casual way, at least. Yeah, I think I would just like to meet up with her for coffee or something! Nothing date-like. Thanks so much everyone, you've all been incredibly helpful!
Quote: Originally Posted by Femme So here's feedback from a female teacher. I have very good rapport with most of my students and in a select few, I would say there is a relationship beyond the typical teacher one. Your interactions seem to push the limit but who am I to say what that limit is. I am very careful of those boundaries with current students in the school. I also caution other teacher friends that I feel might push those boundaries because all it takes is one accusation of impropriety and you could find yourself without a job. I'm interested in this. In what way do you think her actions push the boundaries? I would have thought along the same lines as you, but I've discussed how well I get on with her with my parents and with my friends, and none of them think it's odd. The part where you wrote that she tells you her problems and asks you for advice about her dealings with other teachers. That line concerns me. I'm delighted that you have a good relationship with your teacher and I do not think that there is anything wrong with that. That being said if I was friends with your teacher, I would caution her not to tell a student her personal problems and definitely not to discuss things that happen with other teachers. I don't think that is appropriate. Trust me, I have had some highly personal conversations with students when they have some very serious issues such as sexual abuse, abortion, domestic violence, drugs and many other very serious issues. So long as you are a student in the school, I feel that the teacher needs to keep it professional not only in behavior but in the things she says too. That might mean that I'm not the cool teacher but that's ok with me. You can certainly disagree with me and since I don't know you or the teacher, you can disregard what I've said. I don't think she's wrong for sharing that I just think its inappropriate while you are still a student in the school. All the best.
Thanks for your reply. Maybe I'm exaggerating when I say she tells me her problems. She is just more open about her life than other teachers are. I kind of tend to agree with you regarding her asking for advice in relation to her dealings with other teachers; I'm not sure that's appropriate either, but I'm not complaining.
Gay or not, move on. Teacher and student dating especially at your age is a BIG no-no. Primarily because it could get her fired. Just something to consider.
I don't think you really read the thread! I just want to be friends with her after I leave, and I was a bit confused with my feelings. I now realise the feelings I have were not of attraction, but more or admiration.
