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I'm a straight girl, so is she, turns out I'm in love with her

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by kels, Mar 11, 2013.

  1. kels

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2013
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    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Well, this seems to be pretty routine on this site, except one small detail, I don't identify as gay or queer. I'm 20 and haven't been in a relationship, but I've always been attracted to men. This friend of mine, J, lives in my dorm at college and we have become very close in the past 5 months. My best friend here is Y and she and I became close to J this fall and now are inseparable. We eat our meals together, study together, go out together, etc. and spend all of our time in Y's dorm room. J is beautiful and kind,funny, quirky, creative, passionate, athletic etc. I've known her for almost 2 years and had feelings for her for three months.
    We both identify as straight women and spend a good amount of time talking about finding guys. At first I thought I was just fantasizing about having a relationship with someone I know well and feel comfortable with. Now I realize that my feelings for her are much deeper, I miss her all day while she is at sports practice and classes and relish the few hours on the weeknights we spend doing homework and hanging out with Y. My heart soars to see her sparkling eyes and red lips, I find myself going out of my way to do things with her or for her. I want desperately to be with her or just to be closer to her. She's not a very physically affectionate friend, whereas I am, but since I'm just getting really close with J I'm having trouble restraining myself from too much contact and am anxious when we do because I don't want to give myself away or make it awkward. I can't objectively tell where the line would be were i not in love with her.

    I really don't know how to handle this situation because I'm pretty sure she is very set in her gender preference and we are just friends. but we are very sarcastic and flirtatious (Y, J and myself) with each other and when she looks in my eyes I sometimes feel a connection, a spark, and we both have difficulty looking away. Y and I have a running joke to tease her because she is so beautiful, but it is hard when I truly think she is the most beautiful person I've ever met. I can't tell Y about my feelings because she may feel like telling J, and I feel like it would drive me and Y apart and she would be hurt/jealous if I said I loved our friend.

    Whenever we make any sort of comments about gay girls or couples (we go to a very queer college) we all just groan and wish it were that easy or complain and say that too bad we'd never be interested in women. Which gives me the view that J is really straight and not interested in any situation like this, but then again, I say the same things as her and I'm in love with her. I also still identify as straight, I'm only attracted to her, and don't see any possibility of romance with other women.

    In some ways these feelings are amazing because I've never loved a crush before, just been superficially obsessed with them. But it is also painful to want someone to be completely yours and have to hide that passion and devotion constantly. I just want to tell her all of the things i love about her. I'm also dealing with crippling hope that we would ever be together, which breaks my heart every time...
    (*hug*)