I think I'm about to loose what little sanity I have

I've been knocked down so many times, every time I think I've finally had it, within about 30 minutes of my latest breakdown I can stand back up on my own two feet. I'm just worried about how much I have left in me to keep getting back up so quickly, I worry that eventually I'll crack for good, like humpty dumbty.

I can not remember the last time I have truly trusted anybody. Last time I trusted a person I was betrayed. By my own mother. have never trusted her again, yet she wonders why I don't open up to her, she wonders why I shut down completely when she asks me questions. She offered to take me to a counselor once, and I agreed, but only because she said something about having a tracer or something on my computer, she never did put one on. I only agreed because, well, I don't remember why I agreed.
I'm just scared, that's all I am, I am however, starting to get where I don't give a f**k, I just, I'm at the point where I hate everybody I know. I'm just so damn alone that I can't stand it, I have help from my boyfriend in England and since he's now on EC and probably gonna read this I'll just be honest. For me, he does help a lot, he does make me feel better, but that doesn't last forever. It doesn't last long at all.

My mom claims she'll always be there for me and will always love me. I just don't trust her.
(How she betrayed me right, I thought I could trust this woman http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/71817-worst-experience-my-mother.html )

Right now I'm about to loose it because I am trying to keep her sane, her mother who she's always saying I'm lucky to not have had because she was so abusive died recently. The will was just read and said all sorts of awful things about my mother and 2 of her sisters, but one of them, the first born, got everything, my mother and her other two sisters just got $200. I'm trying to keep her sane, and in the process I'm going insane, she's making me feel responsible for her being sad. I'm trying to make her happy so she won't die. She's loosing her mind, just the other day she fell on her bed crying and I had to try to pull her back together. It ended up in me crying saying I'm sorry and that I'm trying to help her but it's really hard, I feel like a failure for not being able to keep her from crying, I left the bedroom for about 15 minutes and had to stop what I was doing to rush back to her side because she was loosing it yet again.

My mom told me she wants to start going to church. I'll be honest, I hate churches, for more reasons than just my being gay. I don't like them because if you end up going to a bible study and don't know what page something is one you're judged and criticized. I don't want to go to church. I hate church, sitting where you're judged ans scrutinized by everybody.

I'm just so alone and I have no help from anybody here. EC and my boyfriend are really helpful but nobody is actually HERE nobody that I can trust to tell anything to! I'm just so isolated and I fear that eventually I will loose my mind for good and not be able to get it back as quickl and easil as I always have. I know I'm strong, for god's sake I have an asshole dad that my mom is taking to court soon over bills he owes, a mother that blames me for a lot and when I get upset I get told "Oh quit crying! You're just doing that to make me feel bad" Or when I tell her something she said "oh have a very vivid imagination." Every time I post here I always forget something. I feel like I leave something out, but I'm not sure what. Every time I post for advice, but every time the advice says something about confronting my mother it does not, repeat NOT end well. I'm dying on the inside with all of this bullshit. I'm starting to think that what my mother says might actually be true, that I'm just whining and it really is my fault, that maybe I am just crying about nothing. I'm just told that I can trust her with anything but when I think back to how what happened back in October and what she says to me every time she's in a pissy mood, I just don't trust her. Or anybody for that matter.

---------- Post added 13th Mar 2013 at 03:37 AM ----------

I've also been told to seek help from a LGBT group like PFLAG or so.etching, but nothing is nearby. I just want to deal with this until I can leave but I'm not sure I can stay sane long enough.

 

I can also barely stand to look at the hollow shell of a lie that is me in the mirror, I actually saw myself in the mirror at school a while back and collapsed against the wall. "That's not me" is what I thought to myself. I get mad thyself for cracking so easily, I don't know why but I at hurtful things about myself when I break, I call myself ugly and stupid. Last night I got out a knife and almost f***ing cut myself. This is the second time this happened, except this time I actually scraped the skin, wasn't an actual cut. I just though "ow, that hurt, F this" this was after I had cried for about 30-45 minutes.