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Unrequited love, but from the other side.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Quartz, Mar 14, 2013.

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  1. Quartz

    Quartz
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    My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship about 3 months now, and it's gone in opposite directions for both of us. I started out really excited (of course) but some problems have reared their heads that have gotten me thinking that maybe this match isn't meant to be. I harbor no ill will toward him and still like him a lot, but I just don't feel that one, I'm ready for a long term relationship, and two, that it should be with him.

    He, on the other hand, has just gotten more and more into this relationship and is pretty much head over heels in love with me. He things I'm the most amazing thing ever and pretty much every other good thing possible. I'm pretty sure he's thinking he wants to go long term, and all that stuff.

    To further complicate matters he has been in and out of major depression recently due to other things going on in his life, and I've pretty much become the main pillar in his support system. I feel like if I pull away from him at all or hint that I'm not as interested as he is it will just cause him to crumble, and sink back into depression and suicidal behavior (which he has been in the recent past).

    So what should I do? Right now I'm just thinking I'll continue acting the same way, and hopefully things will chill out a bit, but I'm afraid that it will just escalate further in the same direction, and I will become more and more frustrated, which will eventually rub off on him and leave hard feelings on both sides, as well as him crumbling emotionally. Any wise advice would be greatly appreciated.

    Oh, and just fyi I'm 21 and he is 24.
     
    #1 Quartz, Mar 14, 2013
  2. Gravity

    Gravity
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    Well as far as his depression goes, the most important thing is that you shouldn't feel responsible for his welfare, especially if the relationship is more or less still a new one. Offering someone support is different than being their sole source of emotional well-being. In a relationship, you can do the former. Nobody should be doing the latter - not family, friends, even therapists - building a support network (i.e. of more than one person) is something that most therapists will help people do, if they don't have one already.

    On a related note, you need to be able to talk to your boyfriend about the feelings you're having. Feeling like you can't talk to him about something that bothers you, especially if it's related to your relationship, won't lead anywhere healthy.

    What I'm wondering at this point though is what, exactly, is turning you off in the relationship. Is it being called on to provide an inordinate amount of support? Is it just the feeling that things are moving too fast? Or something else?
     
    #2 Gravity, Mar 14, 2013
  3. Music Heals

    Music Heals
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    I would definitely recommend talking to him. Maybe tell him how you're feeling, but definitely make sure he knows it's because you don't feel ready for such a long relationship. You two could try to start hanging out in larger groups of friends or whatever, so he would feel more like he was surrounded by plenty of people?

    I had the exact same thing going on with my ex boyfriend. Er, similar. He liked me a lt more than I ever liked him. That eventually started hurting him and made him disgruntled and the like. For like a year afterwards, we couldn't even talk without arguing. Now, we've become great friends again(even though he still has a crush on me), but it took some time to get there. My point is, yes, it does eventually negatively effect the other person.

    Slowly distancing yourself might be able to help. Hope it all goes well! Best of luck!
     
    #3 Music Heals, Mar 15, 2013
  4. June Cleaver

    June Cleaver
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    Don't distance yourself without being upfront what is going on. Because this will cause him to cling on harder and drive him crazy wondering what is wrong. You need to be upfront with him and let him know the relationship is not working. Maby you need some time apart like a cooling period. Or are you just not attracted anymore? Maby you are pulling back because it is moving too fast. You need to take some time to put your finger on it and either fix it or move on. Good luck, June
     
    #4 June Cleaver, Mar 15, 2013
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