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How can I approach this complicated crush?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by pgame311, Mar 15, 2013.

  1. pgame311

    pgame311 Guest

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    So I have this pretty good friend and I want to know how I should approach our relationship. We've only known each other for a few months, but already, many of our conversations have involved sharing some pretty intimate details about our hopes, fears, etc. I swing about 70/30 (male/female) when it comes to attraction, and this guy is, on a one-on-one level, great. He's really cute, artistic, sensitive, smart, and he listens more than he talks. I took a class with him and am pretty sure he's gay (maybe bi, but only for some reasons I'll talk about later), but really deep in the closet. On a social level, he's quite effeminate—he loves clothing and art like it's nobody's business, but I know that means absolutely nothing. That said, I'm 99% sure he was also trying to hide a boner during class when we he read ahead in our text about two male characters getting it on.

    What tipped me off in conversation, however, was that he is conservative and Catholic, but constantly making excuses for why the Church and the party should get over their respective beefs with homosexuality/non-heteronormative sexualities, he assured me that our gay teacher was a top, and knows words like "twink" and "bear.” On a physical level, however, he sways his hips quite a bit, has the finger ration/hair whorl thing, makes expressions traditionally associated with gay men. He has extreme anxiety/OCD, and once joked (but was like half-serious) that my outline for a test was not organized/aesthetically pleasing enough. Go figure.

    His Facebook doesn't leave much to the imagination either; he's obsessed with Katy Perry and called her a "bad bitch." The most telling moments were, one, when he got defensive about someone saying there was a correlation between the number of gay men in city cupcake shops and baking being "immasculine," and two, when he made a comment about the college's attitude of all white, rich, straight men are bad—throwing in straight with some noticeable hesitance. I replied, "yeah, we're all awful" (I was closeted then). He smiled and said "yeah, us," quite distantly and knowingly (not directed at me; he was genuinely surprised when I came out as a 4 on the spectrum).

    What throws me off, though, is that he's a player with women when we go out on the weekends. He's a serial dater and will get a little aggressive when he's not getting what he wants. I know this points to bi, or more likely, straight; however, according to his roommate (and I've seen it once or twice), he constantly has crying fits and breakdowns after these many of these encounters (which are always when he’s blackout drunk, never sober), and he has once contemplated suicide (he's in therapy for it). Also, I seems like casual hetero sex doesn't always mean somebody's straight (I know a few gay former-“players” from high school—they met expectations, not desires). This roommate (very masculine straight guy who just happens to be attuned/open-minded) is constantly saying "he'd be a much better, happier guy if he just came out."

    So, I guess the purpose of this essay is that I'm torn. When I initially met the kid and felt some kind of spark—even if it's just friendship (he asked me to lunch, puts his hand on my shoulder to drive home emotional points, and gets excited to share things with me)—but the more I hear the more I think he's either a straight douchebag or a psychologically messed-up closet case. There are times when I tell myself I'm just reading what I want to read, but there also some moments where his latent sexuality seems so apparent that I just want to say “come on out, the water’s nice.”

    I don’t need a project. I don’t want a project, and the more I find out about his anxiety and aggression, the more I think I’m in love with the idea of him, not him—but I’m obsessed. I get anxiety trying to interpret every move or post, and I need to move on. He’s currently away for the semester in Spain, but the distance hasn’t helped. I’ve been trying to fall in love with other people, but no one, male or female, is quite taking the way he has. I just need some advice as to how I should approach my relationship with him, and, if you guys think he might have a thing fore men or if it’s just wishful thinking on my part. Thanks in advance, and sorry for the length.
     
  2. Travis

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    I think whether he likes guys or not, he's not out, and there's nothing you can really do to "push" him out of the closet. That's what it comes down to. He might deep down be gay or bi, but even if he is do you want to be with a "pychologically messed up closet-case"? You said yourself you don't want a project, but you can't help but think about him this way. I think you just need to force yourself not to. When you're trying to interpret what these signals mean, you need to stop yourself and remind yourself that it doesn't matter. You might think he's perfect for you, but if he were then he'd also be out of the closet, he wouldn't be a serial dater, he wouldn't be sending mixed signals. You've idealized him, but the reality is that he has so many flaws and red flags that are obvious to even you, but you're ignoring them.

    I know what it's like. The second I start liking someone I start picturing our future together. I think of what I'm going to say the next time I see him, or how I'll act if this random scenario happens, or where we'll go on our third date. But all of that is a fantasy, and you have to see what's actually right in front of you. It sucks because it's SO NICE to like someone and to fantasize about someone. I know it makes me happy, but it also sets you up for a TON of disappointment when they eventually don't live up to the ideal you've created for them in your head.

    So what you really need to do is focus on yourself, and force thoughts about this guy our of your mind. Literally tell yourself you're not going to think about him. When you find yourself cycling through those thoughts again, find something to do that will completely distract you.
     
  3. Seraph

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    Holy crab I thought you were my crush until the third paragraph (...disappointment).

    Anyways, for your love confession, if he is a listener like you said above, the best thing that I suggest you to do is try to get to know him a little more, I mean like become a little bit more than friend like best friend and such, then one day you can just ask him out for a talk, share the stuffs that you've been thinking ( I assume this is normal for both of you, he will probably get your point and it wouldn't be a big deal for a person like him - by your description your friend sounds a lot like me except the "serial dater" part, so I guess he will be pretty calm about that ).

    BUT! if you notice anything that makes you feel like you two can't be together, please stop, turn back and just be friend, I know it seems to be impossible to do that because I'm experiencing this situation right now, but our story is complicated. Anyhow, the best thing you can do is to have a serious talk with this guy, just don't be too serious :grin:. Good luck dude !
     
  4. luvanmusiq

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    Your 4th paragraph should be enough for you to turn yourself away to another person. He's not ready for that lifestyle. Especially being a conservative Catholic. He's probably going thru some self loathing. Which, even if you magically got him to become comfortable with going out with you. He still would hate himself for going against his beliefs. And who has time for that?

    What I also noticed is that you said something about no one seems to be able to be like this guy. Just an fyi...no one will ever be able to. We're humans, everyone's different. So it would be hard to find someone with all the good qualities he possesses. Dont settle for nothing but the best in your partner, but dont set your standards at a guy who's not ready mentally and has some other issues on the side. Just look for another person that gives you a WoW factor just like the first guy did.