Hello, I am 25 and have been attracted to men for as long as I can remember. I've been dating someone for 4 months now, and have never been happier. The majority of my friends found out about my sexual orientation last summer, and accept me and treat me no differently. Recently, my sister and her husband found out, and support me. My sister began urging me to tell our mother. To give some back story. I was raised Pentecostal, and around the age of 18 began questioning certain things. If anyone in these forums is of that religion, please forgive my use of words. It's not meant to offend. Then, like magic, what tiny bit of logic present in my former religion fell apart. Since then, I have earned a bachelors in Physics, and don't really discuss religion much. It just makes me uncomfortable honestly. My mother, whom is still Pentecostal (along with 90% of my dad's family) has always been a very loving person. Especially when I stopped going to church, she loved me nonetheless. So this past Thursday, I decided it was time to tell her about my sexuality, and more importantly, my boyfriend. She pretty much knew already, and the coming out experience went as expected. There were tears. But there were the phrases "I worry for your soul" and "its an abomination" and the cliche "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve". Though I expected those arguments, they stung nonetheless. Towards the end of the meeting, mom's more caring side showed when she said "I just don't want people to look down upon you". I assured her that it's only the other persons problem if it were to happen. Now to my dilemma. I've studied up all weekend via LGBT supportive sites on Biblical references for homosexuality. I'm sure there will be debate in the coming months with my mother. But, my loving mother had a hurt grimace on her face when I told her. I've never seen that look on her. My sister told me that she still had the same look over the weekend. Though I'm not ashamed of who I am, it hurts that I hurt my mother. Though her mindset and opinions may be ill-informed, it doesn't stop the pain. Just now, via text message, I said "I hope you are doing okay", to which the reply was "no, I'm not", Where do I go from here? Everyone I've talked to thus far has said it will take time. Is there anything else I can do? I don't want to go tearing down her entire belief structure, since it doesn't really affect me. But it needs modifying. Please help. It hurts so badly that she is hurting like this. Will she be better in time? I want to provide her with literature for parents of LGBT children, but fear she will refuse to read it. (No offense) Pentecostals aren't the most open-minded of people. Taking her to a PFLAG meeting in the area is out of the question, for now at least. Pentecostals tend to seek counsel/only listen to other Pentecostals. Again, I did not mean to bash religion in this, since I believe a persons religious beliefs to be none of my business. My mother and I are best friends, and I don't want to lose that. Please help!
Sometimes being true to yourself means that your relationships will change. It's a cruel choice: being true to yourself or keeping things the way they were before. Most here will tell you that it takes time, maybe longer than you'd like, but it is probably true. Belief systems are a way of seeing the world, they literally dictate what you will see and what you won't. You are challenging that belief system, despite your wanting to avoid doing that. This will provoke a kind of grieving on your mother's part, and grieving takes tiime. The hope is that this process will lead to acceptance, all you can do is demonstrate that you haven't changed in any other respect and that you still love her, no matter what. Stand your ground, be proud of who you are, always. This attitude will, I believe, reinforce and perhaps accelerate her grieving. It would be a mistake for you to waver or present yourself to her as unsure as it will only give her the false hope that it is just a phase you are going through.
I wish I had some tips, but I don't, not really. It seems like your mother really loves you, and I think it just takes time. I would suggest not to stop talking about it with your mother. That's what I did, and it really didn't help. The problem doesn't disappear, you just don't talk about it. Just like Great Whale said, stand your ground and be proud. Tell you mother if you don't like what she is saying. For the rest it is just time.
Sometimes, you have to live your life for yourself and not for others. Even if they are your own parents. I don't want you to look down along the road thinking that coming out to your mother was the complete worse thing to do. Like you have mentioned, it will take time. It's 2013, and not 100 years ago where everyone killed gays or whatever. I know it hurts that she is replying with such sayings, but she will eventually have to get over the hill and accept it. For her to reply "it's an abomination" is not all that reassuring in a sense. She is 'hurt' because you are basically breaking her belief system. She seems like great mother for going out of her beliefs to still love you. All that matters is if you have her support. I wish the best for you, your mother, and your relationship!
