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Boyfriend and sex

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Random3, Mar 17, 2013.

  1. Random3

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    Hi, I just need a little relationship advice. My boyfriend and I have been going out for over a year now, and we both really love each other. However, sometimes I don't feel very sexually attracted to him when we're together. I also wish to have anal sex, but he keeps pushing it off. He seems scared of it, and it's been really bothering me. Other than sexual issues I feel like he is perfect for me, but I'm scared that this may hurt our relationship later on in the future.. It's been getting so bad that I get dreams of cheating on him with my ex and other random guys which I would never do in real life.. :/
     
  2. photoguy93

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    You've been together a year? I think that if you haven't really had sex yet, then it's probably why you're thinking over other things. If you haven't done anal, what else goes on? Anal is a big thing for guys. If it's a year and he isn't comfortable yet, then something is up that you need to address. You matter, too.
     
  3. Random3

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    I've mentioned it several times, and he says that he is willing to do anal just for me, but then it just stops there.. I know he has hemorrhoids, and is scared of the pain which I can be understanding of. I even told him I would bottom though and that was the end of that convo. i'm sure we will have sex soon maybe if I keep bugging him. He told me that not all gays are into anal, but the oral/masturbation stuff just gets old and boring.. He masturbates quite frequently too... way more than I do.
     
  4. photoguy93

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    The hemorrhoid thing makes some sense, but is he seeking treatment? I mean, how long has he had them?

    I understand the whole "some people don't like it thing" but there has to be some give and take. Why won't he do it to you? I really smell something fishy here. But, it seems like something that could be worked on. Has he had some bad experiences? Or do you really just think he doesn't like it?

    The masturbation thing really gets me because. It makes me think that there's some major disconnect going on....
     
  5. Random3

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    He's had it for awhile now, and all he does for it is take extra fiber supplements. Well I guess a big thing I left out is that we're both still virgins... I'm just much more willing than he is.. It seems he just doesn't like it, but I don't know if that'll be how he feels about it forever.. I feel disconnected when he just masturbates by himself too.. especially when he sometimes does it 2 times a day..
     
  6. photoguy93

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    :eusa_naug

    You need more than just fiber pills. You have to do creams or even other things (my friend had to insert a pill form of a cream up...there)

    It isn't fun but it's something that actually needs to be done. Is he willing or is this a "no money/insurance" situation?

    How old are you, if you don't mind me asking.
    Because if you're really young (say, not even 16/17) then I really can see some of his issues. But if you're older, then something has to give. Masturbation is very important - but when you have someone who loves you and wants to be with you, it's important to find a balance. I know someone will get mad at me, but a year is a long time. How long into your relationship did you start having sexual contact?
     
  7. Random3

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    Hm.. do you know if the pills/creams are expensive? I'm pretty sure they're not too pricey, seeing how I can just pick them up at any drug store.
    And I'm almost 22... kind of embarassing.. but I only came out recently so... ya :3
    I believe a year is a long time too... I mean we started messing around really quick, like after a week.. I kind of thought the sex would just come up whenever we both felt comfortable. I didn't imagine it to drag out this long though.
     
  8. photoguy93

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    Well, I'm not sure but I think the needed ones are for prescription only. I'm not sure, though. I'd think so because he's had them for do long.

    Well, that's not embarassing - it is your life. Im a virgin at 20 and i came out when I was 15. What's troublesome is how long you both have been together. You need to talk to him about this, and make it clear you want this. You have a say in this relationship, too. If he truly has a problem, then it needs to be worked on (and I'm sure you would try.)
     
  9. Random3

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    Ya I agree, I should talk to him. I'll probably bring up the subject again to him soon. I just feel so bad about pushing it on him all the time, but I have needs too... anyways, thanks for the advice! :slight_smile:
     
  10. Ianthe

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    Anal sex is not the only sex that is "real." No, not even for gay guys.

    If it's what you want, and it's a dealbreaker issue for you, then you should make that clear. But always remember that the thing about deal breakers is that they sometimes break the deal.

    How out is he? Is he still having self-acceptance issues?

    What do you believe is the reason he doesn't want to have anal sex?

    Also, you said you sometimes don't feel very attracted to him. What's that about?
     
  11. luvanmusiq

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    One of my ex-s had a hemorrhoid whem I first month. He went to a doctor after noticing it wasnt going away. The doctor gave him a cream to apply. The fiber supplements are just to get the pain down when your daily "passing" comes through. It only took a month to heal. I do not think it should be used as an excuse. Maybe your right about him not liking anal. But he can't hate something he hasn't tried. I think that you should get the hemorrhoids taken care of, then set a ultimatum.
     
  12. Dalmatian

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    Well, the hemorrhoids issue needs to be dealt with in any case. You are both young and his condition is obviously not very serious, otherwise he would have more problems and he would have probably already gone to see a doctor. So, I'd say, based on what you wrote, that he's just an uninterested guy who doesn't take care of himself enough. Tell him to wash (with a mild soap) and then thoroughly dry (with toilet paper) himself after each bowel movement. If he feels dryness or friction, he can apply some simple herbal-based cream, something very mild. After a couple of weeks he should be fine.

    When it comes to it being embarrassing to be 22 and an anal virgin.. well.. stop with that :slight_smile: It's your life, what do you have to be embarrassed about? And anyway, sex is sex even when you don't have anal (at least I think so).

    Regarding masturbation, I wouldn't look too deeply into it. I mean, would you actually have time to have sex twice a day, most days? :slight_smile: Let him have fun. As long as he's not pushing you away because of it, it's apples and oranges.

    And yeah, why do you think you don't find him attractive anymore?
     
  13. Aldrick

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    Ianthe said part of what I wanted to say already...

    I want to attack the notion that anal sex is the "real" sex. If you've been sexually intimate with another person then you aren't a virgin. There is no such thing as "real" sex - just sexual activity and non-sexual activity. You've had sex, you just haven't had anal sex.

    So, if being a "virgin" bothers you - you can scratch that label off. Although, I should point out that there is nothing sacred about being a virgin, and nothing miraculous about losing ones virginity. Virginity is pretty much a made-up cultural concept that is given way too much weight. Personally, I mentally group people into two categories those who are "sexually experienced" and those who are "sexually inexperienced". Having sex just one time doesn't somehow magically make someone "sexually experienced" - the same way you lose virginity after just one time.

    Now, let's look at the issue. There could be any number of reasons why your boyfriend isn't having anal sex with you. They could range from "I think anal sex is gross" to "I was raped and anal sex makes me uncomfortable as a result." It could be either of those things and anything in between. What seems to be clear is that he doesn't appear very interested, and you know what? That's okay. There are some gay men who just aren't into anal sex. That's perfectly natural and normal.

    I'm a big believer in that we should respect other peoples sexual boundaries. If he isn't comfortable with something, the goal isn't to find a way to twist his arm and manipulate or force him into doing it anyway. It's to accept that fact and find a way to solve the issue for yourself.

    I would start with asking yourself two important questions:

    Why do you feel anal sex is important to your relationship?

    What do you hope to get out of having anal sex?


    If you can answer both of those questions honestly and truthfully, I think some solutions might start to appear.

    For example, let's say you decide that the thought of being penetrated turns you on so much that it just needs to happen, and that you feel something in your relationship would be fundamentally missing without anal sex. Okay, well now that's on the table. This doesn't necessarily make his unwillingness to engage in anal sex a deal breaker. A potential solution could be for you to simply get a dildo and some other anal toys to use on yourself, and maybe talk to him about using them on you if he's willing. If he's not willing, that's okay. The reality is that you don't really need him. There are even some toys - such as vibrating prostate massagers - that you can insert and use on yourself while he's giving you oral.

    On the other hand, let's say you decide that it isn't as important as you thought. The real issue that you're having is that sex has just gotten boring as hell. It feels rehearsed and routine, and it's really impacting your ability to feel sexual desire toward him. If this is the case, then first of all - it's normal. It happens in a lot of relationships, just read any relationship advice column and you're guaranteed to see this issue popup frequently. The problem is that anal sex really is only a temporary solution to the issue. At first it'd be exciting because it's "new", but eventually the "newness" wears off and you're back to the same issue you've had before... sex will feel rehearsed, routine, and as a result boring.

    So, how do you solve this issue? You need to get creative and start mixing things up in the bedroom. This is one of the reasons I'm a big believer in sex toys. It gives us the ability to add something new into the mix - an additional (or different) way of being stimulated physically or mentally. I like to think of sex as roughly 75% mental and 25% physical. What you're thinking and feeling matters a lot during sex. Finding different things that turn you on, and being open minded and creative could help a lot in that department. This is one of the reasons that sensory deprivation - such as being blind folded, or some types of light bondage is often appealing. Then there are various forms of role playing or other sex games that could spice things up a bit.

    When sex gets boring you have to be creative and change things up. The more you do the same thing over and over again the more it's going to feel rehearsed (because it is) and routine (because it is).

    Finally, I think you need to have a conversation with him. Chances are that he may share some of your feelings - especially if you're bored with things. Even if he doesn't share your feelings, talking about what you're feeling will help you feel better about the situation because it's on the table. Ideally, you'd both work together to solve the problem. That being said, I think being tactful is important. Sex is a two way street. The issues that you're facing isn't "his fault" - blaming someone like that never helps. The issues also aren't "your fault" - they're "our fault" - the fault of both of you, and it's an issue that both of you need to work together to solve. That can only happen if you're both on the same page, and understand what the other person is feeling and thinking.
     
  14. Random3

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    Thanks for all the input guys!
    It seems the general consensus is that I should get the hemorrhoids taken care of first by a cream of some sort.
    In regards to why I'm starting to not find him sexually attracted, I think it's because sometimes he acts like a baby, and looks really young. Sometimes I feel like I just need a man, I don't always like being the one to take care of him. Maybe it could be his sloppy kissing as well.. lol I think the major thing is that he's super ticklish... Whenever I tried to touch him anywhere from the neck down to his pelvic region he would squirm and push me off. I know he's tried to work on it, but it's been a year now and ya.. I feel like there's so much that I have to give on my end, to meet his needs. :/
    Anyways, I've talked to him about the sex, and we've decided to finally do it soon :slight_smile:. Hopefully this will take our passion to the next level!

    ---------- Post added 18th Mar 2013 at 08:02 AM ----------

    I think the main reason I want to have anal sex is because I've gotten bored of the cuddling/oral. I see him almost everyday, and that's about all we do, so I guess it does feel rehearsed to me by now. I'm hoping anal sex will make things more interesting again and help me get sexually attracted to him again. I've also considered sex toys, I'm supposed to borrow my friends toys soon :3. I don't think my partner is interested in the toys however. I think we both understand how each other feels by now, because its been a topic that has come up several times within the past year. But I feel like things are started to be resolved after my last chat with him. He seems willing to try it just because he knows I really want to. Hopefully this will help things along. Thanks for the input :slight_smile:!
     
  15. photoguy93

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    Oh, don't borrow toys! I don't think that sounds like a great idea.....

    Just talk with him.

    And now - I'm going to step on toes and create a scene. (Ok, hopefully the scene is actually more of a friendly discussion.)

    Can we all work on trying to not make people out to be bad guys? I do believe anal sex,for guys, is a big deal. It is kind of the big sexual "hoorah." It's the "final frontier." I've noticed on this site that people become very opinionated and very in-your-face if something isn't exactly how some People think it should be. I read comments on this thread about how wrong it was to think anal sex was "real sex." So now I'm just going to have to sit back and tell myself that it actually doesn't matter and that I don't actually need to think of it as virginity? I'll do that - because it's not like I've waited 5 fucking years and ended up saving that moment for someone special.

    I'm sorry if some of you are offended but I'm just trying to voice my own opinions,too. I do not want people to think they are being bad because they want something that might not be "perfect" to certain individuals.
     
  16. AKTodd

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    I would tend to agree. Toys are not that expensive (actually they range all over the place price-wise and you can get something that works perfectly fine in the middle to low price range). Amazon sells practically everything and includes customer reviews. Always read the reviews because every product is going to try to make itself out to be the best thing ever, while the reviews tell you the real story based on user experience.

    Beyond that and looking at some of the other issues you raise:

    1) If your BF is ticklish, perhaps he could wear a t-shirt during sex? Cloth will usually dull that sort of issue. Or don't touch him with fingertips but just your full open hand.

    2) Have you asked your BF *why* he's not into anal? I can think of probably a half dozen reasons he might not be including:

    a) Fear of getting dirty - some guys are grossed out by this possibility - with proper preparation and lube and condoms it needn't be an issue.

    b) Fear of disease - again, condoms deal with this

    c) Fear of pain or causing you pain - for some odd reason a lot of gay porn (written anyway, visual doesn't seem to deal with it as much) treats a guys introduction to anal as this terribly painful thing (ripping searing, tearing agony is not too strong a set of terms used in some stories) that then turns into mindblowing pleasure. In practice, with proper preparation and care there is no reason it need to hurt much or at all. One thing you could potentially do to meet in the middle on this (if it is an issue for him) is the use of either fingers or toys, which can provide some very nice stimulation while being small enough to not cause pain. This could also get you used to being penetrated if you haven't done that yet. It could work the same for him and start associating pleasure with the act in his mind.

    Ultimately I think communication is key here and taking both of your feelings into consideration.

    3) Re his masturbating - Unless he's not interested in you because he's already taken care of himself, I would say let him do it as much as he wants. Everybody wants a bit of alone time to just focus on themselves now and again and the idea that one should stop masturbating because one is in a relationship is just silly.

    Speaking just for myself, I don't have much of a strong opinion either way (and I'm certainly not offended). Personally, I don't think anal sex is that big of a deal but don't think you're 'wrong' in any way for feeling that it is and wanting it to be special for you or with someone you consider special. Part of this is probably 'generational' in my case (the idea that it's special in some way really wasn't around that I recall when I was coming out) and part of it because when I learned to do it it wasn't presented as being all that big of a deal, it was just something I hadn't done yet. It's also not something that I find overwhelmingly pleasurable compared to other things. But again, that's just me.

    Different strokes for different folks and all that is what I generally say:slight_smile:

    Todd