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Not even welcome at my school's LGBTQ group anymore...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by totallyrealname, Mar 18, 2013.

  1. totallyrealname

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    So this is a bit of a long story, but here goes... I tried to get involved during my university's pride week, and met a whole bunch of nice people, especially this one guy (who happens to be the co-chair). I thought me and him really hit it off. We talked for like an hour and a half, and he seemed to be enjoying himself. I was super stoked, cause this guy was like the total package. As the event winded down, we exchanged numbers, and this (of course) is where the trouble starts.

    I really just wanted to get to know him better, because I really enjoyed talking to him. So the next day I sent him a text saying that I had fun at the event and thanking him for putting it together. I got no response. I saw him at the parade the next day, and he clearly didn't seem happy to see me. I know myself pretty well, so I'm almost positive I came on too strong (I do it every time, without fail...). One of my worst habits is talking way too much when I'm nervous or upset. So, at the first event I was nervous, and the second upset. Combine the two, and I've probably annoyed the whole group by now, even if the co-chair hadn't made it clear enough that I wasn't welcome in his group. Not that I think he could actively deny me without catching some serious flack from the university, but still, I can't get support from a hostile environment like that anyway... I mean, I'm absolutely 100% sure I didn't do or say anything that could be construed as innaproriate given the circumstance (a friendly gathering at the pub), but apparently I annoyed him enough, somehow, to provoke that kind of reaction. What mystifies me the most is that he gave every indication that he was enjoying our conversation, even sometimes getting close enough to trigger my (very lax) personal space alarm.

    So now I have nowhere to go. I went there to see if I could work things out after a very long streak of short, painful relationships (mostly going the same way as above), and I ended up screwing even that up... I was thinking, possibly, I could email the other co-chair and ask to meet confidentially to see if things can be sorted out, but I'm afraid it'll get back to him somehow. And if I see a councillor, they might feel obligated to inform the university that a so-called "support group" is turning people away, and he'll know who it was. And that still won't fix the fact that I've probably annoyed all the other people in the group I really wanted to make friends with.
     
  2. AKTodd

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    What - specifically - did he do, other than not returning your text, that leads you to think he was unhappy to see you or had a problem with you?

    Todd
     
  3. totallyrealname

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    I tried to talk to him the next day (not about the text, just general conversation) and he cut me off abruptly and went to talk to some other people. He didn't look overtly hostile, but not thrilled either.
     
  4. skiff

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    Why not flip this around? Ask him for five minutes and then ask him directly what you are doing that is putting people off.
     
  5. AKTodd

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    Ok, so basically here's what I'm hearing looking at both your original post and your response here:

    During a major event that he was at least half responsible for putting together and pulling off (meaning he was responsible for being sociable with lots of people, 'herding the cats', probably stressed, and possibly sleep deprived) he found 90 minutes to focus on you at an event where he was working (even if it was a social event, as a co-chair he was working). This means (IMHO) he is either a really nice guy, was wanting to welcome a new potential member of the group (and a new potential helping hand for future events), or was (maybe is) at least somewhat into you too. Possibly some combo of the above.

    The fact that he didn't return your text probably just means he was very busy (you know organizing a parade and otherwise doing stuff that would make an experienced event planner or project manager tear their hair out - and I'm sure he's not experienced at either of these things, nor was he working with experienced people) and the fact that he had to turn away in the middle of an event that he is (it bears repeating) responsible for making happen, doesn't really signify anything IMO and you shouldn't take it personally in any way. He had other things he had to do, and he had other people he had to deal with. I think he was just busy and probably stressed.

    I wouldn't take this personally and I certainly wouldn't feel you've somehow created any sort of situation where he never wants to see you again or where you wouldn't be welcome in the group or somesuch. Even if he doesn't like you, that doesn't preclude you being in the group. I flat guarantee there are going to be all sorts of likes and dislikes among the members of the group because that's what happens any time you get more than two people in a room together for any period of time. It's called being human.

    My suggestion is that you wait for things to calm down from this big event (if they haven't already) and then arrange to either visit the group's offices or go to their next meeting or otherwise arrange to speak to him again. When you do, take a moment to both thank him for making you feel so welcome at the social event and to apologize for taking up so much of his time when he was so stressed and busy. This will either 'reset' the relationship if he was annoyed by you taking up so much of his time or lead him to apologize right back to you for being so stressed and possibly being short with you during the event and/or not returning your text.

    And if you really want to get on his good side (and are so inclined) then you need to become active in the group and volunteer to help out. Because if he co-chairs it, then he's probably very active and passionate about it. So helping out (as opposed to being yet one more person he has to help out) will earn you brownie points, possibly on lots of levels, including romantically if he has any feelings for you in that area or might develop them. Even if he doesn't, if you like being in the group then do so. You don't need everyone there to like you, although that's nice. And you should try to get to know the other members as individuals as well and let them get to know you.

    My 2c worth,

    Todd
     
  6. totallyrealname

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    Thanks for the advice. I don't think he was annoyed at me for taking up too much of his time, because he was the one who kept extending the convesation by prompting me and such. I don't think I feel comfortable going to the next meeting, but maybe I'll go to the one after and try to get involved more if he seems to have changed his attitude a bit. And I really do want to turn this around, because I was totally floored by this guy...
     
  7. BudderMC

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    ^ well, it's up to you to skip out on this meeting, but I probably wouldn't. Think about it: you're saying it's not really all your fault, since he was talking to you as well. But the longer you wait to go back, the more awkward it gets. I'd wager since you're holding these feelings in the first place they aren't magically going to go away, and he probably isn't going to be chasing you down to come back either.

    If you want to go, then go, but go and treat it like it's not a big deal and nothing really happened. Head up high, be confident (i.e. avoid being nervous/upset) and "start fresh". If he brings it up or starts bringing attitude again, I think you 'd be in a position to politely ask him what his problem is.
     
  8. totallyrealname

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    Okay, that makes sense. I'll go to the meeting today and see how things go. I was thinking about going to his office hours and apologizing (tomorrow), and also offering my help (I was an exec for the LGBT* group at my old school, though it was a lot smaller). Would that be too much?
     
  9. BudderMC

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    Depends. What are you apologizing for?
     
  10. totallyrealname

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    Sorry, maybe apologizing was the wrong word. I was thinking of trying to smooth things over. But perhaps that's doomed to fail if I don't know what's wrong.
     
  11. BudderMC

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    I wouldn't say "doomed to fail". I would go more with "unnecessary". No point in apologizing for nothing, right? :slight_smile:
     
  12. totallyrealname

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    Just as an update, everything turned out okay in the end. He apologized to me right off the bat and we had another long, intense conversation about anything we could think of. It made me think that he just might actually be into me after all :slight_smile: I'm gonna have to play the long game here, though, because none of his friends are really sure what type he goes for and he apparently just got out of a bad relationship (I almost asked the person he was in said relationship with. Disaster avoided lol). But for once, I'm okay with that. That's a good sign, right?

    I do have an ace up my sleeve though, I think. There's this charity project he's really passionate about but hasn't had much luck with fundraising. I happen to know an MP who desperately needs some good PR (given the recent budget fiasco) and this is the perfect project for her. I can't wait to see his face :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 19th Mar 2013 at 06:49 PM ----------

    Oh, and I made his friend almost wet herself with laughter at one point :slight_smile: Man, i was on FIRE today!
     
    #12 totallyrealname, Mar 19, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2013
  13. AKTodd

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    All very good news:slight_smile: See! Things do work out all right in the end sometimes.

    Good luck with the whole reeling him in slowly process. Although don't forget *he* has a role to play in this game as well and may decide to accelerate things on his own schedule. Not that I get the sense you'd really be complaining much if that happened:wink:

    Todd:slight_smile:
     
  14. totallyrealname

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    Yes, I would be extremely happy if he decided to take initiative haha. But I have a feeling it won't be so easy.

    Thanks to all for the excellent advice. I'm glad I didn't do something stupid for once.