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Homophobic parents and an extremely anti(?)-gay brother?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by StormySea, Mar 19, 2013.

  1. StormySea

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    NOTE: OKAY- So this was way longer then I intended it to be- if you want to skip over the details, this is the short version: I'm surrounded by a religious mother (homophobic- believes gay people can be changed), a unpredictable father (homophobic- don't know his views specifically, but he was going to be a Catholic missionary or something before he married my mother and hit me as a kid for being too tomboyish) and an ass of a brother (extremely homophobic, openly anti-gay).
    I'm really worried my brother has caught onto me and is going to out me to my parents if he finds hard evidence.
    Is there any way to come out to these people yourself without being disowned or in constant fear for your safety? Can these people coexist peacefully with a gay family member? If so, please post! ;~;


    (Also, I didn't know if this should be in 'Coming out Advice' or the 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' forum, but I guess I'm really looking for more advice on how to deal with my family then coming out, but they come hand in hand in this situation.)

    Hey, I'll try to make the events of the last 24 hours as condensed as possible so I don't waste too much of anyones time, but here's the lowdown:
    I'm not out to my family at all- they think I'm as strait as a pole. My mom is fairly religious and believes LGBT people are 'confused', dad is from a line of right wing, former aristocrats who shows obvious favoritism towards me (but he's pretty homophobic), and my brother is a pompous ass (I'm sorry, I love him, but there's no other way to put it.) who is extremely homophobic and openly anti-gay.

    Yesterday, my brother (he's younger then me by a few years) and I were playing Skyrim and goofing off, and at some point I put on this hat and tucked my hair underneath it to give it a 'cropped cut' effect. My brother began to flip out because I 'looked like a lesbian' (Ohhh the irony of it all) and he demanded that I take the hat off because it made me look gay. When I told him it was ridiculous to order someone around like that for that reason alone (and it was just wrong), he told me to leave the room because he didn't want to look at me. I asked him why and he replied with 'Because I'm anti-gay. I can't deal with that in the same room as me- and right now you look lesbian.' (I kid you not, this is how he speaks everyday. At least he knows how to make his wants clear. :/)
    So I replied semi-sarcastically with 'Well, good. I wouldn't want to give the wrong impression.'
    And that's when he really started flipping out, because he started screaming 'SO, WHAT- ARE YOU SAYING YOU'RE LESBIAN? HUH? YOU'RE SAYING YOU'RE LESBIAN?!' just over and over again, and I was trying to dodge the question (Christ, my ears are bleeding here under the suspicion of being anything but heterosexual- is there a protocol for this?) and it all ended with my dad coming in and slapping some sense into my brother because he couldn't work.

    I figured the whole thing would blow over (but noooo. >.>), when today my brother brings the subject up again with my mother in the room, pointing out I hadn't denied his screeching accusations. My mother answered before I could and assured him I was not a lesbian and that no one else in our house was 'confused' in their life. (I. Was. Standing. RIGHT next to them while this conversation was going on. Needless to say, I didn't get a say in any of it. :/ To be quite frank, I don't know what I would've said without lying.)
    My brother then went on to jokingly pretend make a post on his school website that his sister was gay, and my mother got angry and told him he'd be severely punished if he actually did. (I actually wouldn't have minded if he had. .-. Saves me the trouble of coming out to more people individually...)

    And now my brother's been threatening me to use homosexuality as a way to 'ruin' my reputation to everyone we know. :/ Although I'm not as worried about that as I am about the physical approach he'd take to the situation if he found out I legitimately wasn't strait. He all but gutted me when I implied it...

    So I guess this means I'm never going to come out to my immediate family? I don't know if anyone's ever been in a situation like this and has had members of their immediate family turn around or been disowned by the whole fiasco. I mean, how do you begin to deal with these type of people?

    This isn't the first time this has happened- just the most recent. My brother has done things similar to this before at home and at school.
    My mother has often made comments about there being two types of people in this world: Nice, strait, people and then 'confused' ones, and often says that gay people shouldn't be hated, but we shouldn't necessarily accept their ways (and essentially implying that they should be taken into the church and prayed change). WHERE. THE. FLUFF am I supposed to go with that?
    "Oh, heh, you see, funny thing mom-" NOPE. I would be sat down and told to forgive my self to God and be put on the right path/'get over it'.
    My dad may seem like the most logical choice of the lot of them if there were anyone in my family I could come out to, but he has some sort of issue with anger management. I've forgotten most of this, but my grandma was telling me that sometimes as a kid I would wear my brothers clothing and my dad would hit me for it. Sometimes he just snaps as well- and I have a feeling that he'd just be disappointed and not speak to me anyone if I did tell him the truth.
    I was hoping my brother might make me the exception to his anti-gay brigade if I came out to him, but he made it painfully clear that's never going to happen.
    And now I'm actually scared of what he would do if he did discover and get evidence that I wasn't strait. It wouldn't be impossible to rule out the chances of someone getting seriously hurt.

    Anyway, theres my little drama bomb for the day. Again, it would be nice to hear from someone if it is possible for even semi-extremist people to come around to new ideas or concepts, or if it would be a terrible idea to even imply anything and take all my rainbows and shove them into the back of the closet with me. .-.
     
  2. Aeriestars

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    Coming out is really supposed to be a good, POSITIVE, experience and develop bonds between you and those who you trust. If it's not going to bring anything but negativity, then don't do it - even if you really want to.
     
  3. StormySea

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    Agreed. ^.^ Thanks again Aeriestars. ;3

    ---------- Post added 19th Mar 2013 at 04:30 PM ----------

    Something else I'm adding on here (if it's possible to make this monstrosity of a post any longer):

    I put the question mark in brackets next to anti-gay describing my brother in the title because I've suspected for a while that he might be gay as well. He's not exactly the most masculine guy, we both dressed in each others clothes as kids, he's never shown an interest in girls other then as friends, he's nit-pickey, overly concerned with self-appearance, and at about the same age I was when I was questioning (end of middle school/beginning of high school) and is going through what looks like a similar coming out process. I used to make the occasional anti-gay comment as well when the subject came up in the high school I used to go to (and transferred out of- also the one he's currently enrolling in) because people were just like that, and if you weren't, you were out. (In one of the most recent anti-LGBT incident there, the president of the ASB was bullied by the rest of ASB for being gay. :/)
    But it looks like my brother is making all the same mistakes I did and I really want to help steer him in the right direction, but at the moment he wants absolutely nothing to do with me.
    On top of this, me parents have said repeatedly that they want me and my brother to be good people and good parents, and that's really all they care about. Although as I said before, to my parents think homosexuals are 'bad' people, and that pretty much shuts the window for having children.
    My brother and I are also the last surviving children of my family's line, so if we are both gay and end up not having children (biologically), then that'll end an entire branch in the ancestral tree.
    Whoops. :/
     
  4. Iowan1976

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    I have to agree with Aeriestars... Coming out needs to be a positive experience and not cause you more angst.


    I can totally relate to you StormySea. My family is very conservative and very closed minded, and like your parents, have a similar belief that homosexuals are bad people. I also have a father who will try to use what he perceives as a weakness and use it against you as a way, in his mind, to make you stronger. This is the reason why I have distanced myself from my family over the last several years since I have left college, and not needed to rely on them for financial support anymore. I see them on big holidays, but I try to stay out of their way.

    For that reason, I may never come out to them. I don't need that negativity in my life, and you don't need that negativity either. It is difficult to continue to hide who you are, it really is, but if it is going to make your family situation more tense and difficult for you, then wait.
     
  5. Aeriestars

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    Not exactly true, surrogacy is really becoming popular!
     
  6. fairlyfey

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    Okay, I've been lurking for a while, and I've decided I like this place better than some of the other forums. This thread clinched it though.

    First off, DON'T come out to your parents unless you are dead certain you have a place to stay or whatever in case there's backlash.

    Second, before I even finished reading your first post, I was convinced your brother is either gay/bi or whatever. I hate the argument that's often put forward that most homophobes are actually self-hating gays deep in the closet when they're usually just straight jerks or insecure kids who haven't matured yet. That being said, there are some self-haters out there. I know, I used to be one during middle and high school. The fact that he's both in the middle of puberty and obsessed with homosexuality is a giveaway. If he keeps bringing it up over and over with out prompting and goes so far as to identify as "anti-gay", then it sounds like he's in deep denial. I was exactly like that at that age (religious conservative parents and upbringing too). I was attracted to girls, but as I began to realize I was into boys too I was devastated. I only wanted to be a good little christian son and what little I knew about GLBT people came from a misinformed family. I became viscerally homophobic and probably joked and said more bigoted crap about my own people than any of my straight friends. Here's the kicker, most of them were ambivalent about the subject-- with a couple of notable exceptions of course. It didn't help when the only openly gay kid in my old school (that's right, just one) was accused of molesting a little kid. It wasn't true, but it was one of those nasty rumors high schoolers spread. The whole school practically crucified him; the bullying got so bad he had to switch schools. I was grateful I didn't directly hurt him, but I contributed to that general atmosphere of hate like the rest and I felt horrible. I never tried to help him. Coming out in that place at that time simply was not an option. So, what happened was I gradually stopped lashing out at the world; all that homophobic rage slowly turned inward and I became suicidal for most of high school. I had other problems too and I lost most of my friends, but kept a couple of loyal ones, and just basically drifted around the halls. I desperately wanted and needed someone I could confide in, but it didn't happen. I was completely alone and afraid. By some miracle I survived. It wasn't until college when I genuinely became self-critical; I needed to get away from my hometown and most of my family before I was able to accept myself. I recognize that I was a horrible person when I was younger and I feel burdened to atone for it.

    I'm sorry if I went on for a while, but your description of your brother fits my younger self to a T. This is all speculation, but if he is indeed gay, then right now he's probably trying, as I desperately tried, to be straight. If he continues like this, then eventually he's going to realize it's futile. When that time comes, he's going to need his big sis. Those years in my life were very dark and painful, I don't want the same thing to happen to anyone else. I'm not excusing his behavior, but he's young and immature. You need to be patient with him. It may seem odd now, but in a couple of years the two of you may become each others' best support. Furthermore, don't repeat my mistakes either. You're not alone even if it feels that way. A forum like this is a good start but a face-to-face friend is the best. There are kids like you in your school; you will find someone if you look, just be careful.

    You need to show your brother that the two of you can trust each other. Don't try to hurt him back or you'll push him away, but don't let him push you around either. You need to let him know he can come to you and trust you if something is bothering him, whatever it may be. He'll mellow eventually, and even if he turns out to be straight after all you will be closer.

    As for the homophobic religious parents, that's a little trickier. My father has expressed views about gay people similar to your mother's, but he'll randomly surprise me from time to time. People don't fit into boxes, and it may not be as dramatic as you think it's going to be. I'm essentially out to everyone but my family now, but I'm pretty sure my father knows. I've started to tell him a couple of times, but he just shoots me this look like he knows what I'm going to say and doesn't want to hear it. It's not ideal, and he doesn't accept me for who I really am, but he didn't really reject me either. He might come around, he might not. But I no longer worry about it. I am proud for the first time in my life and no longer feel bounded by the beliefs of my parents. It's a big world, and your family is only a small part of it; it's a little scary at first, but one day you are going to wake up in bed and just feel at ease. It probably won't be until you're under your own roof, but it's the best feeling in the world. Your mother clearly loves you as she came to your defense, even if it was misguided. If your father was possibly physically abusive, then coming out to him may not be such a hot idea while you live with him. But hey, your parents could always surprise you and accept you completely.

    I hope everything works out for the best (*hug*)
    -fey

    ---------- Post added 19th Mar 2013 at 11:25 PM ----------

    In vitro bio-babies or adopted are family, but that still doesn't mean parents will agree...
     
  7. Unknown5

    Unknown5 Guest

    I have a similar problem with my mom, honestly if they are gonna be all homophobic.Then they don't deserve to know. Like with my situation, that's how I feel about my mom, that I'm never gonna tell her, but I still love her.
     
  8. worriedWardrobe

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    I'm more of the confrontational type, but the most sensible advice I can think of is to move out as soon as possible
     
  9. CountessAbby

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    When you are only 16 you must do whatever works for you right now. You are stuck in the house...you must do what keeps your life sane for now. Just get thru the next few years. Then do what you want and get away from anyone who doesnt love and accept you for who you are. There is no rule saying you need to keep people in your life forever just because your related. Seriously, this is not about them..its about you. Be proud of who you are and the way you are. If you can't share it right now then just wait until later. Your sexual preferences does not affect them in any way at all...so its none of their business until you say it is,.
     
  10. Exoskeleton

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    I'd just like to say that I relate to this. My mom is extremely homophobic and it's hard for me to sit and listen to her rants about how gay people can't be trusted and how society was so much better when they all just stayed in the closet, knowing that she's unwittingly talking about me.

    I want to come out to her, but I'm terrified of her reaction and how extreme it may be. The same stands for my brother, who frequently expresses disgust at gays and once flew into a rage at the idea of gay people being on children's shows ("They'll indoctrinate all of the children into being gay!").
     
  11. StormySea

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    Oh my gosh- this is why I love EC. :icon_bigg Huge thank you's to everyone that read though all of that, and especially to those who took the time out of their day to comment! You guys are amazing! (&&&)

    I'm sorry your dad thinks that's a viable teaching method! D: That really is awful. :frowning2:
    From what I'm reading, the until-after-college/independence route is the safest option here, and it's comforting to know people have made it though marginally unscathed.
    I guess there'd be nothing stopping me from telling them after college, but like you, it might be better not to risk forming that interfamily tension (except in the case of my brother, but he's quickly becoming a different situation entirely).
    Thanks for your help! :grin:

    (Hitting two birds with one stone here-) While all of those are practical options, (and I don't know about my brother here, but) I've never really liked young children, and I can't stand babies. It might seem harsh and possibly cruel, but although I'm a girl, I've never had any of those 'motherly' qualities that come with being a chick. xD I guess adoption is still a possibility, although it doesn't solve the situation from a biological standpoint...


    ((I feel as though I should be apologizing in regard to your first few sentences because to be completely honest, I don't know what clinched means in that context. D: I'm sorry~ :icon_redf))

    I think the safest option in my current situation is to just let things be between me and my parents- at least until I'm out of the house and not dependent on them as much as I currently am.

    Actually, I've been suspecting my brother for a while now (I meant to add that in before ^.^')- and typing up that first post, I realized that his outward defiance to homosexuality was probably an indicator of deeper emotional conflicts.
    Thank you for posting what you went though as well; That actually sounds a lot like what it seems my brother is doing, and it really helps paint a picture of at least a possibility of what he's going through.
    It’s horrible that your classmates weren't very accepting of LGBT people :frowning2: And unfortunately, your high school sounds a lot like the high school I transferred out of (also due to bullying), and the one my brother is currently enrolling in. Instances like what the gay guy in your school went through are definitely not uncommon at my old high school...
    Sorry you feel that way about your past self! ;~; I don’t think it was your fault for being defiant at the time- heck, we’ve all got to do what we have to do to survive. And hey, it was high school. The cliques, chicks, and hormones make people do strange things.
    (Dude, you’ve got a lot of respect in my book for getting through all that crud intact!)

    I’ll definitely be trying to play a bigger role as a guide and confident in my brother’s life ^.^ (Wish I could’ve been there for you too! (*hug*))

    Maybe one day I’ll tell my parents. I know people can change and hopefully the idea will grow on them that not all things that are related to homosexuality are bad, and who knows? Maybe they’ll surprise me as well. But given the most recent events, I think I can stay closeted from them for a little while longer. :3
    Thank you so much dude! This was amazingly helpful! (*hug*)

    ---------- Post added 21st Mar 2013 at 10:29 PM ----------

    I know what you're sayin'. ;D I've actually never thought about telling people my sexual orientation as a privilege rather then some deep dark secret. xD It's a good way to look at it! :grin:

    ---------- Post added 21st Mar 2013 at 10:32 PM ----------

    I'm getting there, I'm getting there! xD Just one more year of high school to go! (I tend to be the confrontational type as well, although I don't think it's going to help me much here.) >~<

    ---------- Post added 21st Mar 2013 at 10:41 PM ----------

    Reading this gave me a total confidence booster! >ヮ< Thank you- you definitely just made my day! ⌒▽⌒
    I think I can survive the next few years without telling them, and that's probably the best course of action at the moment- Then I can be around people who can accept me for, well, me. :3
    Thanks for the advice! :grin:
    (Gahhh- I feel so happy and proud about myself right now XD Dankeee! ^~^)
     
  12. StormySea

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    I know the feeling! xD I guess we can always place a few cards down for a friendly debate, but there's always the risk that mothers will catch on... They're good with that sort of thing. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
    I'm personally going with the 'keeping-my-trap-shut-or-maybe-saying-something-in-the-far-far-future' route... xD

    You can always keep up friendly debates with your brother however. ;D (The sexual orientation of an adult figure in an individuals childhood has been shown to have little to no effect on the child's orientation as an adult. ^.^ There have been quite a few studies on that argument. :3)
    The thing that bugs me most though is how my parents support my brothers outbursts of homophobia... :/
     
  13. CountessAbby

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    When you are older you can move to another place, another town, another state. You can choose to see them only at holidays or even never...or rarely. You can continue to live your life YOUR way and they never have to know. Or you can tell them but either way, you may need to keep this secret for awhile. You are still relying on them for your daily living. Later on you will be free....and remember, 2 years goes by in a flash! I am very glad my son told me he is gay but he distinctly also told me that his father is NOT to know. And that is his secret to tell or decide if and when to tell, not mine. He says he wont feel comfortable livin in this house once his dad knows, and I respect that. So his obvious choice is to wait until he leaves for college in a few years. I think in many cases, to maintain your own sanity and comfort level that is perfectly acceptable..and in many cases, probably a very smart choice.