I need advice. Backstory: I'm straight and have fallen for my best friend. She means everything to me. At first I was confused and trying to figure out my sexuality, but I realized that it didn't really matter. I knew how I felt about her/how she made me feel and that's all I cared about. I'm 24 and she's 28. We have a very close friendship. We text each other every day from the moment we wake up until we go to bed. I see her almost every day of the week, and even after we spend a long weekend together, we will spend 3 hours talking on the phone later that night. I tell her everything, and she tells me everything. However, it's complicated because she has a boyfriend of 7 years. They live together, but he doesn't give her what she wants. He's cheated on her, and she continues to stay in the relationship because of all the history/them living together. I know that she is unhappy, and I've had serious conversations with her about him and know it's not what she wants but is scared. Anyway, she spends every weekend with me because we all go out with our friends on the weekend and have a good time. Most of the time when we are drunk, stuff happens between us. We've made out many times. We've made out in public, encouraged by people, and we've also made out when it's just the two of us together at my place lying in bed together. A lot of times we cuddle when we a drunk....and much more than "friend" cuddling. We hold hands and generally are pretty affectionate when we are drunk... but we never talk about it the next day. Everyone we know thinks we are dating. People we don't know have also asked if we are dating. I'm sure that there is a lot more I could go into, but that is the general overview. Anyway, last week I texted her and told her how I felt (I should have done it in person but I was too scared). In my message, I told her that I don't want to ruin our friendship and that is what is most important to me, but I had to tell her because it's been on my mind a lot lately. She told me that "she already knew" and that "she doesn't want to hurt my feelings but she doesn't feel the same way" and "its weird". None of that really would have bothered me, but at the end she said "she needs a break right now and to respect her decision." I'm just more upset that she wants a break because I can't imagine my life without her. I also feel stupid because I don't understand how I could be so off about her feelings. I really just anticipated that she would react differently, and I'm still surprised by her response. I can't believe I was so off-base. Also, the other weekend when we were out I said something about how someone thought I was in love with her and she responded that "it's okay if you are, everyone is!" in a joking way. And then she tells me she "already knew" but if she "knew" and said that last weekend, then why does she want space from me?
Welcome to EC! It sounds like she enjoyed the relationship as it was. A really good friend that included some kissing and maybe even some making out. But she wasn't interested in anything beyond that. And the now-spoken fact that you WERE interested in something beyond that has now unnerved her, and made her wonder if keeping you in the "friend-with-limited-benefits" zone has led you to believe it was more than that. Her comments aren't too surprising. I actually was talking to one guy who needed help coming out...to the guy he had been having sex with for the last five years. Because as long as it's just bodies doing things, you don't have to assign labels to it. What he did wasn't "gay" until he decided to say it was. And you're 100% straight with a same-sex friend you've fallen for and made out with numerous times...until somebody said something. And now maybe it isn't. What should you do? Accede to her wishes. Say you understand, and give her all the space she needs. Lex
Thank you for your response. I know I need to give her space in order for things to be right again eventually. It's just so hard to do that when someone is apart of your life every day. The worst part is that we do play a sport together, and I have to see her three times a week still. I know that she will be nice, but it's just going to be so hard to see her after all of this just happened. Part of me really thinks that she is in denial about her feelings for me, and that's the worse part of it all. I know I need to let go and get over her.
the most important thing here is that you stay true to yourself, and you need to figure out if you really want her, if you do then you will see the whole "i need space" thing as a cry for help, for you to really step up and tell her she will be miserable without you, and help her work through her feelings for you TOGETHER, she is playing hard to get, be the man and go get her, if she is really worth the time, and you believe that she isn't only just messing with your feelings.
