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Partners kids keep me a secret

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by JennaRenee, Mar 19, 2013.

?

What should my response be to this debacle?

  1. Be patient and don't take it personally

    15 vote(s)
    88.2%
  2. Leave the relationship and find someone without kids

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  3. Refuse to play along with any charades such as being the "aunt"

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  4. Something else......

    2 vote(s)
    11.8%
  1. JennaRenee

    Regular Member

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    I am in my late 30s in a relationship with a woman the same age. She has two girls, 12 and 16. We have been together for 2 years, living together for just over 1 year. When we got together, she was not out but is now to all of her family. Her kids had a hard time with it as is expected.

    We have since moved states (last August) and the kids do not want to let their friends know about their mom being in a relationship with a woman. The older girl says she doesn't want to tell people because she doesn't want to be teased as does the younger one. I have suggested that they should only tell their closest friends. Neither have told anyone and I don't feel like they have any intentions of doing so. The mom is supportive of their decision due to being teased when she was little being teased because her dad ended up having a sex reassignment surgery.

    I do not like being a secret and it makes me feel bad. The kids don't seem to care much, especially the older one. My partner is not supportive of my feelings about this and says she will not make her kids tell their friends which I understand. However, I feel like she could perhaps encourage them to be honest with their closest friends and she responds by saying friends come and go and they may not be friends down the road so why should they tell them?

    Is there ANYONE OUT THERE who has had a similar experience? We are having issues and I don't think I can stomach staying in this relationship as a secret for the duration of the kids being in school.
    :bang:
    Thanks
     
  2. June Cleaver

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    This is no big deal really. My husband has 3 kids. A 16 yo boy, 9yo girl and 5 yo girl and I am their dad's roomate as far as their friends know. I love them and don't want them to have any problems in school because of it. So I know they have a hard enough time seeing me as a stepmother. I know in time they will completely accept me. I don't push it and am as good to them as they were mine. It can be hard at times though. So give it time (years I am afraid). June
     
  3. Sayu

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    As much as I can understand why you're feeling so miserable, I can understand your partner's opinion, too. I don't know where you live, but I, for example, live in a country where the bullying problem isn't at slightest as big as in America (in case you live there). Kids can be very cruel and the girls' decision is reasonable, in my opinion. I'd say they will eventually tell their best friends about you :slight_smile: Only you can know if being with your partner is worth the struggles, if you love her enough to wait a little longer. But you should understand that she only wants the best for her kids and that she can't force them not to keep you a secret. Also, what about that "aunt" thing? Doesn't sound so bad to me :slight_smile:
     
    #3 Sayu, Mar 19, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2013
  4. in strategically tackling this problem, my two cents is a mix of two options that were provided:

    Be patient and don't take it personally

    and

    Refuse to play along with any charades such as being the "aunt"

    The first so her kids can be prevented from dealing with bullying because kids say dumb things. The second is a mix. If in the event you ever come across this situation where you have to play charades, I'd say to provide white lies.


    However the decision is ultimately up to you.
     
  5. Monocle

    Regular Member

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    I definitely understand why you feel frustrated, but at the same time I understand what your partner means by "friends come and go". Especially at that age, this is so true. Your closest buddy can become your worst enemy overnight in high school, and they have all the secrets you've ever told them in their arsenal... teenage girls can be especially venemous!

    That doesn't mean you can't be proud of who you are, and of your relationship. It just means it's the girls' choice to decide when they're ready to tell their friends. It would be different if y'all were together since the girls were small children, but as it is, I would leave it in their hands for now. But I wouldn't play along with being a relative or roommate or something like that. Just be who you are, and people can interpret that however they want when they're at your house.
     
  6. 341

    341
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    I can almost relate to this story from a 'one of their close friends' kind of view. My best friend at the time (female) I thought had a single mother, because I was around their house all of the time and I did not see a man, ever. Once I came out to my friend she opened up about her mother's sexuality(Bisexual). I then actually felt bad, because I hate the fact they tried to hide it all the time I was over there. Which was pretty much every single day.

    I think what makes it worse is how my friend also had two small brothers, who also had to try and keep it hidden. That's just horrible. They were very young.

    I picked 'Something else'. I think you just need to be open with them all how it makes you feel. I think communication is key in situations like this.
     
  7. Kyubi

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    i used to refer to my mother's partner as the 'aunt' but i grew up and just told people the truth lol...i honestly just grew tired of people asking 'who is she?' lol and just started saying 'it's my mom's gf now piss off' lol