I have a friend who I have known for about a year. I would consider him to be one of my best friends. To make a very long story short, he knows I am bi, and about 3 months ago I told him I liked him. I thought that telling him this would put an end to what was becoming a “weird” friendship. I wasn’t sure if he was straight…gay….bi…or what so I thought that I should tell him, and I figured if he was straight and didn’t like me, we would just be good friends. Fast forward to today, and our friendship has become more weird and frustrating since I told him. It was always been kind of confusing, but now it’s really starting to get to me. When we first became friends he was very weird. He wouldn’t skype with me because he said he felt “weird”. Then he wouldn’t text me because it felt “weird. Any time I tried to get him to explain this, his answers made no sense. He’s also very passive aggressive - - some days he’s a very “close” friend and very talkative, and other days he’s very distant. One day he basically told me he didn’t think we should talk anymore…that we talked too much….and then a week later was all “close” again. Now we text and talk all the time. It’s been a pretty steady friendship for the past month or so. We also skype every night before going to bed until we both fall asleep talking. This is where things are now getting weird for me… This “pillow talk” (because there’s no other term to describe it) is just becoming weird. I mean quite honestly it feels as gay as you can get…. It’s not normal guy friend talk...it’s talking like you would talk to someone your dating. I really can’t explain it….it’s just us basically laying in bed staring at each other talking about nothing…with awkward smiles and stares and stuff in-between. But during the day – it’s like it never happened, until it happens again. He’s also starting to make weird jokes. We got into an argument and he said “you’re not dumping me are you?” – and this is the 3rd or 4th time he’s joked about our friendship as a “relationship”. He’s also started making sexual jokes at me – which is totally out of character for him since he’s very shy and reserved. He also hurt my feelings recently when this girl asked him on a date. He said to me – “you know this might be the last time we talk” – the gist of it was that if he started dating this girl hed have no time for me. Then a week later he flipped the complete opposite back to being a “close” friend and how he doesn’t like her and that he didn't mean it. It’s so confusing I really don’t get it. It’s one extreme or the other. I have no clue why I am writing all this. It has been on my mind all day. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I need to tlk to him about it, but my fear is if I bring it up he will get all defensive and I don’t want to ruin the friendship we have. Why would a straight guy who knows I like him act like this? That’s the other thing…he’s never told me he’s straight…but I assume he is? I mean is this some weird mental game where I am supposed to ask him if he is? I can’t ask him that…. It’s confusing…and it’s bothering me….and I don’t know WTF to do….
God, it feels so good to know that I wasn't the only one in this kind of situation. He would always tell me that it was "weird" talking to me, and that he didn't text other guys - just me. However, we would hug and tell each other that we both meant the world to the other? Like what the fuck. I eventually said fuck it with all of that weird bullshit myself, and told him look - you understand that I have feelings, and I don't understand what you're doing? Maybe we should just take a break from being friends, because I don't understand what's happening. Then he asked me what I didn't understand, and I explained to him that I didn't understand him, these tendencies to act like we're dating and that if he didn't like me to stop because he definitely wasn't hurting my feelings by being honest - but that if he thought he was doing some kind of good deed by making me feel good to cut it out. In the end, it turned out to be the SLOWEST moving relationship of my life - because I was turning him in a way. He was letting his curiosity get to him, and eventually we started dating and went for about 2 years. We only broke up because he was just too depressed for me to handle.
These are one of the things that can make being 'out' in a world full of people in the closet due to social concerns so frustrating. I have had similar experiences with people who are still very good friends, we actually refer to each other as family (not in the 'gay' sense). We used to lay in bed together and cuddle and were very close, but he had a girlfriend, and still does, in which he plans to marry. Although I did have some attractions to him, I always loved him regardless -- platonically. From what I am reading, and only assuming, I do get the impression that perhaps he is curious or in the closet and finds a comfort in know you and that you are comfortable with him. He may not be able to say it, or maybe he is not even fully conscious of it, but it sounds as if he has found a place to allow it to escape and gratify it with you. Me, personally? I would work with him and see if this is what is happening if this was something that was really bothering me. However, I also have the inclination that such a blunt confrontation could lead to a fight or tension in which the individual reverts and defends himself from himself, if that makes sense? These are tricky things, but we each must deal with them the way we see fit. Such an approach may not be your option or decision.
ummm straight guys do talk like that... we (straight mates and i) do joke around bout sexual stuff amongst eachother.. ie: "suck me" "you wanna f**k me" where's your boyfriend?" hurry up or i'll dump your ass"and other stuff... one thing we dont do is talk on the ph for more than 5 mins or let alone skype... so, i think he either swings or he's milking the fact that you like him... ---------- Post added 21st Mar 2013 at 06:25 PM ---------- and just to add to that... my mates dont know about me and they are anti gay... hence why the joke about it
He also pulls the "I don't remember" routine... The other night our conversation got a little weird and the next day he tells me "I don't even remember what happened the other night" - this isn't the first time he's done this. I call BS. Then after he tells me I look good and he likes my arms...WTF? I guess I am going to try and talk to him. I just want to wait for the right time (if that makes sense). I really also just want to watch out for myself...I mean I don't want to get roped in by his actions only to get hurt in the end, but I also don't want to loose a good friend. This sucks.... :bang:
Well, please know that you are NOT alone in having this experience. Just understand that he is probably deeply in denial and there are many psychological things in play that even I, you, nor him truly understand at this point. It's a process and very unfair to everyone involved sometimes. Although, ultimately, you can look out for him -- but never forget about your own well being in the process. All in time...
I spoke to my friend on last on Friday about it. It was very brief but I just mentioned the things he said to me, and he claimed "i don't remember saying them" but he laughed about it and said he was tired when he said it. I told him that it was a bit confusing for me, but we really didn't go further than that. We ended the conversation on a good note. We were both laughing. Not mad at each other. Things seemed fine between us. Then we spoke a little bit over the weekend and he started to seem a bit distant. I didn't think much of it just figured he was in a mood or something. Now all of a sudden he's avoiding/ignoring me and we haven't spoken for two days. I have been talking to him almost every night for the last year up until a few days ago so this is really weird on his part. I am at a loss....I really don't understand this. I don't understand his behavior. One day he's fine (seems fine?) and the next he does a 360. Tonight, I feel really hurt on a friend level. I was going to text him, but I decided not to. I think I just need to spend some time alone with other friends for a while. I have been nothing but a good friend to him, and I would be totally happy if all we stayed was just good friends, but to start doing crap like this is nuts.
I am sorry to hear that this guy is being so hot and cold. I have dealt with similarr. All I can say is that you should probably leave him be. He will come to you if this friendship is real to him. As far as the pillow talk type stuff it is not the most common male behavior but I think that him backing off is indication that he simply is nit into you like you feel for him. Then again he could have some inner need for emotional intimacy or attachment to someone else... it is more safe to express this with a guy who is not the stereotypical straight male. Clearly he is not expressing EVERYTHING but it seems like it is all indicating something along those lines.
@speedracing22 Brenny's advice is spot on. Do yourself a favor, though -- and do what will be best for you. Hanging on to this, while 'noble', is just going to hurt you emotionally in the long run. Love, Kenaz
if i were you, i dont bother to continue the friendship if he is not going to explain it when he "close" to you again, then just leave him alone maybe he is just lonely and need some affection which he knows he can get it from you. who knows he ignoring you because he has another date with another girl?
Sometimes guys hide the fact they're gay from everyone else. Sometimes they also hide it from themselves. I think you're friend hasn't fully realized or accepted he likes guys, so coming out to others is not going to happen for a while.
At the person who just posted above I think you're spot on. I think this guy the thread starter is talking about is in fact gay, does in fact like him but is too scared to admit it, even to himself. I'm in a VERY similar situation with the hot and cold aspect. We don't do pillow talk but the "hot" stuff he does screams gay and in to me, or at least bi. And the cold stuff is extremely cold. I don't think it is a coincidence this guy stopped talking to you for 2 days after the conversation. I think you made him look at himself and the only way he can handle it is avoidance. I go through this all the time with my friend. One day we are going to start a new life together and the next day I'm a complete stranger to him. One thing I am realizing though as you should to us, even though its highly likely in both our cases that our friends are in denial about themselves, at some point we need to back off. If we give them everything they want without having to accept their own sexuality, we aren't doing them any favors. Your friend has is great. You build him up, you give him pillow talk etc and at the end of the day he gets to keep on telling himself he's straight. Back off and see how he reacts. That's when if u truly do mean something to him, he will have to look in the mirror at himself finally. I'm stopping building my friend up, stopping telling him he's and amazing person, stopping texting him, stopping replying to him right away when he texts (it infuriates him if I don't respond within an hour but he can ignore for days. I used to feel like I'd be playing a game if I just stopped responding all the time, but in the end I'm not doing him any favors jumping to respond, and I'm not doing myself any favors either). He needs to know I can't be his comfort zone. He needs to deal with himself. I can't be used, and you shouldn't either.
Geesh he's flip flopping more than Mitt Romney He really sounds like he's in the closet and he's really confused about who and what he really wants. Also, and I may be interpreting this wrong, but it sounds like deep down you are willing to deal with him being distant one week because he's close with you the next and you really like it when he's close with you. If this is not true, what you need to do is tell him that you don't like your feelings being played with and this yo-yo effect needs to stop. He's either all in or he's not. Be nice and caring when you say it and be prepared to move on if he refuses to be all in.
Sorry that this is causing you so much frustration. A lot of members here gave you excellent advice and I couldn't agree more that he's very scared to open up about his sexuality. I am certain he is not hurting you on purpose but rather trying to understand and protect himself. He's not comfortable with the man to man action he's having with you therefore he always has to back off when it gets too hot to the point where he has to question himself. He obviously has feelings for you also but is too scared to approach them. My point is that you either wait around and help him out because it could be worth it in your end, or leave it alone. It's a risk you're going to have to take. Dealing with someone like his requires a lot of patiences and understanding. He is probably battling with himself. Wish you the best.
True,just give it some time,he will reveal it as soon as he is ok with his own self,because thats the most important step for a homosexual guy
The fact is -- he may not know, you don't know, and we certainly don't know. I have found that, while sad, we need to be with someone who adds to our life. Look for people who are comfortable in their skin, someone who is OK with being who they are. Find someone who makes you happy, and not depressed. Do not do this to yourself, if it is harming your well-being.
