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My brother keeps hanging out with my friends. I don't like it.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Beachboi92, Mar 22, 2013.

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  1. Beachboi92

    Beachboi92
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    So my brother has recently taken it upon himself to befriend and hang out with all of my friends (literally all of them). I just moved out of my house 3 months ago to move in with some really close friends and I see him now more than I did when I lived at home because he is always texting my friends asking to come hang out etc.

    Sometime he just shows up and walks in the door without me or my other roommate having any knowledge that he is coming over (because my other one said he could come over) and despite my best efforts all I can seem to feel when he shows up is anxiety and aggravation.

    He has been the center of a lot of family dysfunction and while our relationship is good now (because we no longer get into screaming matches and fights every day and can interact civilly which never happened until a year ago) and him hanging out with my close friends and roommates (especially when I am not there) and being around all the time makes me really upset and I don't know what to do about it and I can't seem to get over it. I really try to ignore it but this is the kid that I hear about how he treats my mom like shit 3 times a week, fucked my ex the day after we broke up, lost his mind on me when i dated a kid who he used to be friends with, and at one point threw such a temper tantrum over something my mom said that when I tried to calm him down he came at me with a 7 inch serrated kitchen knife.

    One of the biggest reasons I decided to move out was so I cold get away from family dysfunction and be able to take care of and focus on myself and be happier. It was time for me to go and I needed the freedom and the independence. Now two of my roommates come from large families and understand but they don't do anything to dissuade him from being around, the other one is an only child and invites him over every time he so much as texts and says "hey."

    He doesn't have any friends who are not mine and as soon as he came into the college where I go he just started latching onto all of them. I had known most of them for about a year before he was introduced. And when he is around them he just is so fake, it is a totally different person from who I used to deal with on the day to day and who I see when he is just around my family.

    I really want it to stop because I feel it is effecting my happiness, ability to focus, my stress levels, and I can't seem to get any kind of handle on it despite trying very hard to realize if they are friends, they are friends and who am I to tell them not to be. Unfortunately logic is just not getting me out of this one and my emotions are really having a time with it all. It is driving me crazy and I don't know what to do to either feel better about it or get it to stop and I don't want it to come to a point where I blow up on someone about it.

    I have had little talks with my roomates/friends but to no avail. I think it is just the one who is an only child that is really responsible but I think they may really be friends. But this is also the roommate who invites people over all the time and often that gets on the nerves of the rest of us who sometimes just want a quiet night without a party and bitchy queens running around (her closest friend can be a real c*nt just cause he likes to be and my brother isn't much better).

    My brother is 16 months younger than me (the accident baby), gay, very prissy/sassy/bitchy, high strung, and very immature and rude and while I love him and I try to focus on what is best for him I just don't care all that much for who he is as a person and he aggravates me. He is very driven and I have a lot of faith in him to be successful and be a better person but it has been such a long road getting to where he is bearable (he has had all sorts of anger issues, holds grudges like a M*ther F*cker, and is just really mean to family). Also he just generally seems to love to do anything exactly like I do. I buy my cloths from somewhere he needs to get them from there, I do a school paper on a particular subject he has to, I color my hair he wants to color it the same way. It drives me crazy and I can't seem to figure out how to get it to stop or get around it.

    Rant over
    please help:bang::bang::bang::bang::bang::bang:
     
    #1 Beachboi92, Mar 22, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2013
  2. Toneth

    Toneth
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    sounds like he is jealous of you, maybe what he really wants is a better relationship with you, even if he doesn't know how to make that kind of healthy relationship with family happen. I know that it is frustrating, but all you can really do is live your life and change the way his behavior effects you. <3 from ohio
     
    #2 Toneth, Mar 22, 2013
  3. Exoskeleton

    Exoskeleton
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    I know it can be extremely obnoxious to have a younger sibling emulate you, especially when that sibling is obnoxious in their own right.

    It seems like your brother has some issues. Some serious ones. And those issues seem to be a large part of why it's hard for you to stand him being around. Sounds like you harbor some resentment for the way he's treated you in the past, and that resentment is being heaped upon how he behaves now.

    Option one is to just deal with it, as you've tried. Perhaps being around you so much and trying to do everything as you do will steer him in the right direction, behaviorally. He might start learning to control himself better, to be less nasty and mean, etc. I hate to say it, but to an extent, you are your brother's keeper. It seems like he looks up to you, and that sort of settles you with a responsibility (at least in my opinion).

    Now, I do suggest that you talk to your roommates again (option two). There's an unspoken contract when you share a living space with other people that you will each respect the others' wishes, that you will do your best to keep the peace and create a space that you can all feel happy and comfortable to stay in. Sometimes when this unspoken contract is broken, it might be a good idea to convert it to an spoken one. All of your roommates might need to get together and explicitly lay down ground rules. Maybe something like "We all live here; we all share this space. Therefore it is not the right of one person to treat this as their own personal home. Anybody who wishes to enter our space needs the permission of all of us. If any one of us objects to the presence of a certain person, the others must respect this, and spend time with that person in a neutral space. Whenever one of us wishes for this space to be quiet or devoid of people who do not live here, the others must respect this, and find another place to be noisy or to be with their friends."

    Whatever you guys can agree on to try to preserve the peace and happiness. You might even want to make that contract a written one. It will drive home the idea of mutual respect and you'll have a reference for when somebody does something that the others don't like. Get everybody's wishes out and in the open, and create a plan for how those wishes will be respected.

    I never think it's healthy to let one person utterly rain on your parade. I don't think very many people do. That said, I completely understand that you can't just turn your feelings off. You feel the way you do, and no amount of people chanting "get over it" is going to change that. I know. But I think it might benefit you to find ways to cope with your stress and your other feelings. At the end of the day, you can't change your brother. Even if you succeed in reducing the amount that he's around, there very well may be other people and situations that make you feel stressed. Likely, you'll encounter such a person and won't be able to get away from them. You've got to find some strategy that works for you, so that you can maintain your happiness no matter what other people are doing around you.

    I hope that helped. I can imagine how hard this is for you, and I wish you the best of luck. Remember that you're loved. (&&&)
     
    #3 Exoskeleton, Mar 22, 2013
  4. Beachboi92

    Beachboi92
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    thank you for the responses we have talked about doing a meeting to set house rules from each of us so hopefully that will help. I've debated going to my brother and trying to find a way to communicate "hey you don't have any friends who aren't mine and I don't like you showing up at my house all the time with and especially without warning." How to communicate that in a different way so it won't piss him off is the question. That is, if trying to talk to him is a good idea at all.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Mar 2013 at 04:19 PM ----------

    and the responses do make me feel better because sometimes when I get mad about it I feel like an asshole (a mad asshole) and it is nice to see that maybe this isn't such a gross over-reaction.
     
    #4 Beachboi92, Mar 23, 2013
  5. Joey4

    Joey4
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    I know your little brother came out recently. I would imagine a lot of his shadowing you has to do with him not knowing who he-himself is. Even now that I'm older, I'll watch and listen to my older brothers to help figure out who I am or, what they say and do helps explain some of the things I say and do. He's probably scared and feels comfortable when big brother is around...even if you guys don't always get along.

    His "fakeness" is just an attempt to fit in. You know that. All the more evidence that proves he doesn't know who he is.

    I'll tell you from experience in the roommate situation. You're at the age when you're gonna party the most. People don't start settling down until about 24. Roommate life is going to be miserable for awhile until you either find a good enough paying job to where you don't have to live with anyone or until to go through enough roommates until you realize that it's best not to live with friends, rather find people who enjoy and treat a private space the same way you do.

    I don't think talking to your brother is going to help because he's unreasonable. The roommate conference almost never works. You can lock yourself away in your room or find a way not to be in the house during visiting hours.

    Truth is, he's not going away. Nothing is cooler than older brother living on his own with his friends. Your place is the hip happening spot.

    Start looking for older, mature roommates and learn to separate your social life from your private life.
     
    #5 Joey4, Apr 24, 2013
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