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Help! WTF is wrong with me.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by wizzerfizzer, Mar 22, 2013.

  1. wizzerfizzer

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    Hey if anyone is reading this I just wanna say thanks.

    I'm 31 and have only had one serious relationship my whole life which lasted for two years until my brother (who is also gay) and his partner at the time, decided it would be fun to sleep with my partner while we were still together. My brothers partner and my ex eventually got together and had a LTR and whenever they had fights this ex of my brothers would email me saying how much of an ass my ex is etc. I ignored him every time.

    My self esteem, confidence and trust completely disappeared and I developed a major depressive disorder and severe social anxiety because of this and the fact that I was bullied intensely during school for being gay (during that time I didn't even know if I was gay or not). I'm not what you would consider feminine in any way people automatically assume I am straight when they see/talk/meet me. I think because I am normally shy I made for an easy target for the bullying.

    I used to think about suicide all the time during school and I got to a point where it wasn't a case of IF I would kill myself, but WHEN.

    Only a few of my family members know I am gay. I am terrified of telling anyone because I think I've been programmed (from the bullying etc) so I have an immense fear of human rejection. Not even my closest friends know. I have 3 people who are my friends who I see regularly and I am very close to. All 3 are straight.

    So it's been 7 years since my ex. I haven't had a relationship since because as much as I try, I just can't trust people even just as friends. I've been on anti depressant meds for the whole time since. I've had talk therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy, been to several psychiatrists and it just doesn't seem to help. I feel so completely mentally broken.

    I know there are so many people out in the world with much more on their plate than me and I shouldn't be asking for anyone to give me any attention but sometimes this just helps me get my thoughts out there.

    Years ago there was a guy that worked at our local store and he always seemed "happy" to see me when I went into the store. I didn't see him for about 4 years or so. But now he works right next door to me and he and I have become friends. He is exceptionally attractive and I guess I get a "vibe" from him sometimes that he may be interested and then he tells me how he's got this hot date with this girl coming up etc. He met my friends recently and told them how me and him have been great mates for years and my friends thought this was really weird as they had never seen him before. I only went to the store occasionally to buy a few things and I really didn't talk to him apart from customer related stuff. Since he started working near me and talking to me now at work and stuff he always makes a bee line to me to have his break with me etc and invites me to places where he is gonna be. Asks if he can come to my house to play Playstation etc. He always talks about sexual stuff (masturbation) in text messages and stuff with me and I get a little weirded out by this. He knows I'm socially awkward and I guess he feels sorry for me maybe and knows I don't have many friends so maybe he feels that he should make an effort with me. The trouble is I'm developing feelings for him and I am terrified to tell him I like him. I know it sounds stupid, but I just cant.

    If you have read all of this then thanks for being patient and showing interest in my story. I have this dream that one day I could take all the sadness and problems away from gay people because I don't give a f**k what people say, it's not a choice and everyone in this world deserves to be happy regardless of their sexual orientation.
     
  2. nikom87

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    Thanks for sharing your story wizzerfizzer. I don't think there is anything wrong with you at all. Being depressed and afraid to come out due to rejection are common, and I am right there with you.

    I agree with this :slight_smile: We all deserve happiness.

    I hope you get the support you need here at EC!
     
  3. wizzerfizzer

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    Thanks man it makes me feel better. I feel like I shouldn't voice my problems and stuff cos there are other people way worse off than me. I guess we are all in this weird world together. Thanks for your reply mate :slight_smile:
     
  4. wizzerfizzer

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    So today I took a massive risk and told this friend that I'm into guys and he said that I shouldnt feel bad and he would always be there for me as a friend. He said he had questioned his own sexuality before and it messed him up too. He said when he ended up figuring out he was straight but he said he would never ditch me as a friend because of my orientation. I've only been talking to him for around a month and for him to say that to me shows he is a really caring decent human being. Is rather keep him as a friend than risk losing him altogether with sexual stuff now.
     
  5. wizzerfizzer

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    Just thought I'd add, since I last wrote on here I haven't heard from the guy. Apparently, I'm not good enough to be in his social circle anymore now that I came out to him :S he said he wouldn't out me to everyone but I'm beginning to think differently now and I've sent him one or two texts saying "hi, how was your date with the girl your interested in?, how have you been?" and no reply. Maybe he's been running his mouth off and feels guilty about it or something. I guess going from 3 friends to 2 is better than from 3 to 0.
     
  6. Winfield

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    Dang dude,

    what happened with your ex and bro and his ex etc... thats really low... i wouldve knocked them all out out once i found... rearranged their face here and there sorta thing....

    anyways, nah dude there's nothing wrong with you... i was in your boat few years back... i accpted it and life just takes a toll now... i just sit back and see where it takes me. and mean Respect to that mate of yours for accepting you bud. takes a true man to have another's man back no matter what....

    hang in there man. things happen for a reason and try and get to get out more... who knows who you might bump into....

    Peace Bro
     
  7. wizzerfizzer

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    Thanks for your reply man. i told a couple other people now. It does get easier, just gotta pick from comfort levels with certain people. One guy who I've known for a few years (who I don't see regularly) has stopped talking to me. He was always slow with text replies beforehand anyway and would only call me when he was drunk. But the last few messages I got from him before I told him were "I miss you man" "we need to catch up" "Ive been so busy with work (new job) im sorry im a c*nt of a friend" and that could be nothing but once or twice I have been at his place and we have been both drunk just us two there. He takes his shirt off and starts dancing and being crazy. but then i was in the doorway and he waked over stood about a metre away from me and he had the "im going to kiss you" look and slowly started coming closer to me. I got freaked out and looked away. This is before he knew I was bi. Another time me and him were in his car and we were driving at night and he all off a sudden stopped the car leaned back in his seat and had this look on his face of complete frustration like he so badly wanted to say or do something but couldn't. It was so out of the blue. Also i drove him home from the pub one night and he was wasted drunk. He was sitting in the passenger seat but rubbing his head on my shoulder to the point i thought he was gonna start kissing my neck while i was driving and telling me how badly he wanted me to move into his house with him and how much fun it would be. He hasn't had many relationships and I know of heaps of girls who want him bad. Also I know a girl that slept in bed with him and wanted to have sex with him and he said "no, im not experienced with sex" and he has had about 2 girlfriends in the 6 years ive known him they last for 1-2 weeks and thats it. But when his friends ask him if he has a gf he says "i do?" "i thought we got divorced?" as a standard answer. Anyway i told the guy by text that i think I'm bi. He never replied. I thought he was a friend and i though he at least cared about me as a person cos he would tell other friends of mine that he loved me as a mate. I think he might be a little bit put off by me telling him but might come around to it later. The thing is his gay uncle stayed at his place for a while and my mate would say "hes gay but he's actually a really good bloke" etc. So i don't think he would be against differences in sexuality. I'm just gonna leave it with him though until i hear from him cos I don't want to push the issue and make him feel awkward. I guess I like the guy long story short lol. anyway thanks for listening to a bunch of babble. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  8. ganley

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    Don't fret! It's good to vent & places like this are the best to do so!! I'm Bi & no matter how comfortable I feel with myself & with others it's always scary to talk about been Bi, as for dating well I give up in that front!! Good luck honey! Remember we are never the same people we were in high school & to b honest u sound like an awesome dude!!