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I'm scared of the gay community.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by sensorat, Mar 23, 2013.

  1. sensorat

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    My relationship with the entire gay community.

    This is going to be a bit hard to explain but bear with me here. I'll try not to be long winded and I'll break everything up into pieces. The mini life story is also just there so you can see a bit more into who I am, and why I'm at where I'm at.

    I've known that I'm gay since junior high. Yet even with knowing that I was still extremely nasty to this one kid, (Who will not be named) on the sole factor that he acts really really gay. I even spent a good year of school rallying other kids up to call him gay and basically just be mean to him. (I know this might hit close to home for some of you. if so, then I'm sorry.) Which, now I completely regret it and one of my goals is to find him and at least apologize sincerely. But still, I was really really mean to him and only him. Just because he "acted" gay.

    Fast foreward to years later, I was sure I worked the resentment out of my mind and headed off to my first gay date. And it went badly. For the first time in my life I was scared of someone. I put up a 10 mile high invisible wall and singlehandedly destroyed the date. I immediately stopped dating after that, with plans to visit with and get comfortable with the gay community.

    A few days ago (2 years after the date) I realized I hadn't made progress in the area whatsoever. But I figured maturity would make up for that. So I looked around and found a meetup. Which was tonight. It was fun, they had xbox, card games, food, etc. but when walked through the door I immediately wanted to leave. I got through a card game and I really loosened up once I made my way to the game console.

    All was good, however I felt a bit of anxiety whenever someone touched me (I couldn't look anyone in the eyes either). which is fine, even though gays are extremely social creatures and touch is social, I could deal with it. until one of them decided to pet my hair. (to my dismay I have a temporary beiber-esq thing going on) so he started petting, and then another guy pet my hair. and then they both pet my hair at the same time.

    anxiety extreme. even though I enjoyed it, my jaw locked, and I felt my chest tighten. (how lame is that) I didn't sort of like it. I loved it. I really, really, really, love it when people touch my head. They couldn't have know that but it totally made my night. but at the same time I just couldn't function while they were touching my head. The best I could do was force a smile, and a laugh.

    I don't know why I have these blockades up. I'm fine with being gay. But with gay people, even the entirety of the gay culture, I just push it away. I never feel fear when talking to another person, unless, I know they're gay. I have no clue why, and I can't seem break down these walls. (although personally, I don't even know where to start.)

    This fear is like a blockade in my life. At this stage I should be out dating. Nothing is strange about me, I'm not the "bully from school" or some "redneck backwater person" like this is kinda making me sound out to be. I'm just a normal person living in the city with temporary bieber-esq hair.

    What is this? I can't be the only gay with fears like this. So I came here seeking advice.
     
  2. confuzzled82

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    It sounds like a few things are going on here. As far as the other guys petting your hair making you uncomfortable, they may not have realized they were making you uncomfortable, and would have likely stopped if you said something. I know that in many situations I am uncomfortable with people touching me at all, it can send chills down my spine, or just plain feel weird. (I am an aspie, and some sensory issues come with that.) You may also have some internalized homophobia confusing things further. You may have also just been experiencing anxiety from being in an environment you aren't used to. This can always happen, and is only resolved by exposure to that environment.
     
  3. AKTodd

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    Hmm. First thing that comes to mind is a question:

    Do you only get this fear reaction with men you know are gay or with women as well?

    Second thing: How out are you?

    Is it possible that, given the reactions you had earlier in life (and actively stirred up in others as you describe) that at some level you are afraid that if you are out or act on your desires that you may appear 'gay' to others and trigger similar reactions in them? Meaning you may suddenly be on the receiving end of what you caused as a kid? Not from other gay people but from straights.

    Third: Just a hypothesis...

    How big of an issue is 'dominance' for you? Not in the BDSM sense of the word, but just in general dealings with other guys (of whatever orientation)? Are you a big guy who's not used to encountering men who are bigger than you? Are you an average or smaller guy who is concerned or bothered by the notion that a guy could 'take you in a fight' or force you to do something you didn't want to (sexually or otherwise)?

    I ask because back in college I had a housemate who admitted that when I first came out to him (I was practically announcing my orientation as part of introducing myself at that point) he was worried that I would (in his words) 'rape' him or force him to do stuff with me because I was bigger and stronger than he was. He was about my height but I was more muscular and working out heavily at that age and he also said that I was the first openly gay guy he'd encountered who didn't fit the stereotype of being small and fem. So I made him nervous.

    I've also read once that every guy goes through a moment when he meets another guy of evaluating him at some level with the notion of 'could I take him in a fight?'. No idea if there's any actual science behind that, but it's an interesting idea.

    Anyway, the point here is that in being a gay man dealing with gay men, might you (at some level) be associating sex with dominance and fearing that being with another guy will result in you being 'dominated' in some fashion? Even the idea of opening up to intimacy with another guy might trigger this if its an issue.

    Just a thought or three.

    Todd:slight_smile:
     
  4. sensorat

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    You, AKTodd, have hit so close to home, I'm absolutely amazed.


    To answer your first question, the fear only seems to set in when talking to gay men. I don't get this fear reaction when I'm with women.

    To your second question, I'm not very out. People in the know are few and far between. the reason I've been giving it was, "I don't want people to treat me like I'm gay". However I never really thought about people treating me the same way I treated him. But now that you've put into words, that's exactly what I fear from other people.

    But the biggest thing that took it all home for me, was that you mentioned dominance.

    You are one hundred percent correct. Dominance is a big issue for me. It's very rare that I meet a person bigger then me. Not only that, but social dominance is a massive thing for me too. I'm always more worried of whether or not I can out talk, out posture, and just out be, the person, rather then if I can fight them.

    I'm always on the struggle for dominance, not because I'm afraid of anyone forcing me to do things. But because I truly fear of being the center of ridicule. I guess, in a sense, vulnerable.

    Holy cow, thank you. My thoughts would have never wandered down this road if had not mentioned the things you did. I'm not sure how you got so deep in just one post. this is putting words to my fear.

    Taking care of this seems much more do-able now that I can see it.

    Thank you.
     
  5. Lewis

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    The 'gay community' is really an abstract idea. It doesn't really exist unless you believe it does.

    There's no organised group that decides who is in and who is out based on their sexual orientation. Yes, there are gay individuals that all congregate in certain places, but they're still just apart of the human race - they're no more special than everyone else.

    I really despise the idea of a 'community', we may as well just have our own country. I mean we already have a ridiculous flag.

    There's no reason to be scared of the 'gay community/culture' because it doesn't exist. They're people just like anybody else. But if there was one, I wouldn't want to be apart of it either.
     
  6. Revan

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    I think aside from what AKTodd said the other reason could be even now, the media still has a skewed perception of gay life. I realize sure often if we look at straight-acting men, etc we'd just think "boring" because it's how the media is but let's face it...Kurt and Blaine on Glee, the couples on Modern Family and The New Normal, hell now we have this new series Golden Gays, they all show often overly effeminate (I love Chris Colfer and Darren Criss and the others outside of the show but it's like they just make gays look bad), flirting with straight guys (Kurt with Finn, Blaine with Sam) the list goes on and it might have also given you a bad look at the gay community. I think the more exposed you become to it the more you might get use to it but I think I can understand why you're scared of the community.
     
  7. AKTodd

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    And for my next trick... Seriously, always happy to help:slight_smile:


    Just a random thought - These two issues (fear of being treated as you treated and needing to dominate a situation) might also be potentially connected. If you're dominating the situation or 'out being' everyone else, they are far less likely to attempt to humiliate or otherwise hurt you. Or so some part of you might be thinking.

    Also, what you're describing is really modern day combat (dueling can be a fun way to kill a slow afternoon but eventually someone loses an eye and then what do we do? Joke).

    I wish I could say it was just my vast stores of experience and intelligence but the truth of the matter is it was just a combo of past experience (the college housemate I mentioned) and the fact that we share some similarities in this area.

    In certain situations (some would say most) I become an anal-retentive control freak (fortunately this generally works well in the job I'm in). I'm a terrible loser and tend to avoid playing games (although I've cultivated a very zen approach to that over the years so I usually do a great job at hiding that fact that I'm fantasizing about burning the winners house down as I shake their hand), and I absolutely hate being made to feel silly or foolish in particular ways. All of which could be said to be forms of vulnerability.

    The good news is that I used to be much much worse and have gotten much much better (it used to be I hated being made to feel silly in every possible way). So there is more than cause for hope in this sort of thing.

    A few final thoughts:

    First, I'd suggest continuing to go to the LGBT group you mentioned. It's a way to build some relationships (friendships and maybe eventually even more with the right someone) with other gay people which should eventually reduce your anxiety to some degree just by process of 'familiarity breeds contentment'.

    Second, speaking from experience (and trying at bit of positive incentive here) - being 'large and in charge' all the time burns a lot of energy. This is neither good nor bad, it's simply a fact. While I'm not suggesting you change your whole personality and 'self', gaining the ability to just relax, breath, and let someone else 'drive' for a while (in any way you care to interpret that word) can actually be very restful/relaxing sometimes. Liking putting down a heavy weight you've been carrying around (maybe at the gym?) and taking a breather before getting back to your workout or the like.

    Finally, the benefits of being able to relax with someone are oh so many. Cuddling on the couch while watching a movie (cuddling is Serious Business (tm) in my world), getting a back rub (you mentioned you like your head being touched - so maybe a scalp massage in your case - if you don't know what a good back rub or scalp massage are like, I would suggest finding a good licensed massage therapist (no, not the sexual kind - because everyone seems to get these confused) and dropping the money for an hour long session - it is SO worth it), just sort of ...being...while holding someone close and/or being held. All of these are a wonderful break from bending the universe to your will. Maybe something to aim for as you work through this.

    Anyway, glad I could help and best of luck as you work through this. Speaking from experience it can be done and the results are definitely worth the effort.

    Todd:slight_smile: