I guess I'm a sick, twisted, demented, asshole?

At least this is what a friend of mine has recently told me. I guess i'm just trying to see if it is true and if i really did something that terribly wrong.

I'll make a long story short. I've actually posted a thread or two about this guy in the past.

Part 1: Basically we became friends, I pick up on these vibes that he's somehow different, he seems to really really like me, other people think the same, I start to fall for him,I come out to him, I tell him i like him, he gets real defensive, everything about that subject was dropped. this was about 8 months ago.

Part 2: We started getting real close, we start texting each other a lot, we start talking on the phone daily and for long periods of time, i introduce him into my small group of friends and we start hanging out a lot more, I really fall head over heals for him, it becomes obvious that he is even more attached to me than i to him, my friends and family start to think that we are dating because of how much we talk on the phone, I end up very confused. Let's say this was like 3 months ago.

Part 3: Our friendship starts to feel like something more. He calls me something like 15 to 20 times a week. The text message count on my phone reaches over 1000(in something like 6 months). I start thinking of him as my best friend. I realize I've never been this close with someone before. I tell him this and things continue. I tell him he's one of the most important people in my life, he tells me that makes him uncomfortable. I try to explain why and how i feel and he refuses to talk about it, or let me talk about it. I get upset and don't talk to him for 3 days. after 2 days he gets very upset and angry. We start talking again and he basically tells me he was depressed and didn't do anything(for those 3 days) . I get even more confused. I reach my emotional breaking point and decide i need to do or say something. I spend 2 weeks writing and rewriting a simple letter explaining the confused state of my emotions. I give it to him two weeks ago right before I go out of town for two weeks.

Sorry that long story short still ended up being long XD. Well onto current events...

This letter i wrote, it was mostly just an explaining that I deeply care about him, that he is an important part of my life, and that i'm confused. I explain that the letter is to not make him uncomfortable. I made a point to be somewhat vague about my feelings not overload him. I never once used the "L" word, even though it's how i really feel. I explained that his actions (like calling me just to talk multiple times a day) make me feel like something else is going on and that it seems like he is confused about his own feelings. I end with telling him that I want him to feel like he can trust me completely, that he is my best friend, and that I look forward to seeing him when I get home. So that's the letter.

While I'm out of town seeing the country, he continues to call me like usual. every day before and after work. At this point i know he's read my letter because I sent him a text telling him where it was. He's the only person besides my parents that I talked to on vacation. My friend I was travelling with is then convinced that we are dating. After i show him the number of times he's called me recently he reaffirms my belief that hes madly in love with me. Everything seems great at this point.

I got home monday this week and my friend calls right away, just to talk to me. we made plans to hang out the next day (tuesday). So Tuesday he comes over and that's when he brings up the letter. This is when he told me I'm a sick twisted demented person. He told me he was furious when he read it and thought that i was insinuating that he was gay. So furious, in fact, that he tore it up and burned it. after telling me he doesn't understand what he's done that's confusing, and me trying to explain, it became obvious that he was just getting more angry and upset by the moment. This is when I give up explaining and just apologize for making him mad(though I still can't quite figure out why he was mad). He then told me that we should completely forget that we ever had that conversation.

Later that night is when shit really hit the fan. It really sank in, that he insulted me the way he did. I felt really really hurt and text him that he hurt my feelings. Well, he was apparently still upset himself and told me that the truth hurts when you don't want to hear it. This is when I kind of lost it and told hi that straight guys don't call their guy friend 18 times a day just to talk. I think I had also said that straight guys don't text other guys good morning (something he has done often) and that straight guys don't act like he does. I ended it saying "truth hurts doesn't it?" Instead of apologizing, or even trying to understand me, he just told me that we aren't friends anymore. Talk about serious denial...

Sorry again if this is way too long and incoherent, I'm stuck somewhere between hurt and pissed off. I just want to know if my writing a letter to him makes me a sick twisted person, and if telling him honestly why I'm confused makes me an asshole. I just didn't expect this sort of reaction at all. I mean, I have ample reason(I feel) to be confused by him. I never thought I would lose a great friend over this. It makes me a little sad knowing that me being gay ruined one of the greatest friendships i've ever known. Lucky for me I'm good at bottling up my feelings and have yet to feel anything more than a slight tingle of depression before I shove it down inside myself... I guess it would just help to hear other opinions, even if you do think i am a sick twisted person, it would just be good to know for sure...:help:

 

I can't thank you both enough for reassuring me that I'm not a terrible person. Nobody has ever called me that before and it had me starting to think that there's something seriously wrong with me. I guess I still don't know what I feel. At the moment I just feel lost. I do have a few close friends that mean the world to me, but words can't quite describe how close we were. Whats really hard is that a lot of the things I would do to distract myself just remind me of him. The book I'm reading, the games I'm playing, a few of my hobbies. They're all things that we both loved and quite often were the topics of our conversations. Damn him for having so many similar interests lol.

The feelings that are still sticking with me are the things I felt when he told me he shredded the letter, burned it, and then flushed it down the toilet. The words written on that paper were literally a piece of my heart and soul. I wanted nothing more than for him to at least feel like someone truly cares about him. My thoughts while writing it; 'No matter what his sexuality is, he will, at the very least, be happy to know he is this important to another person.'. Instead he just shredded and burned my feelings...

I really don't know what the future may hold for us, and part of me doesn't really care. As it is, i have a real hard time trusting people in general, this whole experience is a definite setback there. I've never been in a serious relationship before and this is the closest I've been to one. He's honestly the first person that I really felt I loved. I got to know him for him. I learned all of his flaws and imperfections as a person and instead of holding them against him, I embraced them. I know that time heals, but I will have a real hard time loving anybody ever again.

Again, I can't thank either of you enough. It's just good to know that i'm not as big of an ass as I was starting to think i was. For some stupid reason, I was starting to believe him, that i really am a screwed up person. I'm happy to know that there are other people that think i'm not, even if they don't really know me.

 

At this point im basically trying to forget the entirety of the last 8 months. Part of me still wants to talk to him for some reason. I more so just want to ask him to apologize. I probably wont. Knowing him it wont be long before he realizes how miserable and lonely he is with no friends and want to talk to me again.

 

I still can't believe that he openly told me that he shredded and burned my letter. This is still the only thing i can think about when it comes to our broken friendship. Like, what kind of a reaction is that? It's not like I told him I wanted to rip off his clothes, bend him over, and f#ck him in the a##. I told him how important he is to me, how much I care about him, and that I am confused. He could have at least not told me that part and tried to spare me some pain. Instead it seemed like he was trying to maximize the emotional pain he inflicted upon me. After seeing his reaction I'm now 100% sure that he actually is gay, so i guess i got the info that i was looking for. I also now know that he's not really relationship material. I guess i'm still waiting for it to sink in that I've lost what was essentially my best friend. I really haven't let myself feel much of anything at all. i'm quite good at bottling up my emotions, hopefully they don't find their way to the surface at some point later on...

Sorry, I still need to vent a little...

 

Thanks again. It really is helpful to hear reassurance that I've done nothing wrong. I've only talked to 2 of my friends about all this and they both reassured me the same. My one friend is actually more angry about it than I am. A part of me is still trying to be understanding of my friend. He is likely angry at himself for who he is. Doesn't mean he has the right to take his anger out on me.

I guess I keep wondering if he is thinking about me at all, and has any remorse for his actions. I know, for my sake, I should just forget about him and be done with it, but that's easier said than done.

 

Well, you were right, at least to an extent. Several months ago I brought him into my very small, yet close, circle of friends. He's been playing Dungeons and Dragons with us every Tuesday night. (Yeah I'm a huge nerd lol.) So today, as has been normal for every Tuesday, he called me early on this morning. I, being a childish ass, ignored the call, and the subsequent 6 after. A few hours, and a few texts later, I found the will to say something to him. I sent him a text asking if he was okay playing with a sick and twisted person like myself. His response was simply "yeah, now answer your damn phone". Not quite what I was hoping for. At this point i simply spelled it out for him and told him he had to at least apologize. "For what?" was the response. Now, shouldn't it be obvious what he should apologize for. Well, either way I told him that if we are to continue to be friends, he has to know that his actions are not acceptable and that an apology would let me know that he at least has some remorse. His apology, a simple "sorry". I guess it was something but I expected something a little more serious and heartfelt. He's either just that despicably cold and insensitive, or is trying to pretend nothing ever happened. I suspect the latter.

Well, either way, I broke down and let him remain a part of my life. I know I should have told him to F off and not talk to me ever again, but some small part of me wouldn't let myself do that. I don't know why and i wish I did. Maybe some good will come of all this awfulness, I don't really know. What I do know is that I'm important enough to him, for him to retract his earlier statement about us not being friends. I mean, yeah I was blunt, I told him he was not straight. I get it why that would piss him off. I just hope that I made him think, and that eventually, he will come to understand and accept himself. I really only wanted to help. Living in denial is truly no fun, I did so for years.

So for now, I guess I know that this friendship isn't completely destroyed. Will it ever be the same? That's hard to say. It will take him a lot to gain back my trust, respect, and the level of which I cared about him. will I ever trust him again? For now my answer is probably not. If he really does work at it then maybe. I mean, if he were to come to me tomorrow and tell me he's sorry, and that he really does love me(which most people think he does, I mean it's obvious), I would tell him he ruined that chance and will need to do a whole lot for me to feel how i did. Do I expect that to ever happen? No. It's only been a week, and he wants to be my friend again. Maybe after a little more time I will start to see him as my best friend again. I really don't want to be angry at him anymore, but I really do still feel hurt. So heres to slowly mending a pretty wicked wound. After it heals, I know i'll be left with a scar that is just as wicked.

 

Well he's called me 6 times today so just 9 more for the week and he'll be at the normal count haha. Though I suppose I can't really count todays phones calls, I was intentionally ignoring them. I finally answered the 6th when he finally apologized, albeit a fairly cold, insincere apology. I really hope he got the point that his ridiculous number of calls are what had me confused. I will refrain from telling him that his absurd overreaction and unwarranted anger tells me, without a doubt, that he really is gay.

 

I'm really starting to question whether or not I can keep doing this. I know i can't stay angry. That will do me no good. i'm afraid, though, that if i let my anger subside, I will start feeling more along the lines of sadness. After a week without seeing him, I was starting to accept that he is lost, that we are done. That was until last night. Seeing him and being around him again has reminded me of all the things I really thought were special about him. I was also reminded of the very strange, yet very close relationship we had. The reasoning behind feeling that there was really something more going. The daily phone calls, the deep intellectual connection, the feeling that I wasn't so very alone in this world. It has all come flooding back to me. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to start picking up the pieces of our friendship and putting them back together. At least not until he can figure out what's going on inside of his own mind. In a way I feel as if he needs me to be there to hold him up, to support him, to be there for him. All while he is completely unwilling to try and support me.

I guess I should mention that he is somewhat younger than me. Just going on 20. In many ways I felt, despite our 5 year age difference, that we were very close to the same point in life. Obviously there is one area where we are quite far apart. Whats killing me now is that part of me wants to wait him out, until he can come to terms with, and accept himself for who he is. Ultimately i know that this may never happen.

I guess i'm torn right now. I can either A. completely cut all ties and totally move on with my life, or B. let him back into my life and risk being pulled back into a situation where I am waiting for him to accept himself before I can even begin to explain what's going on in my mind to him. It all seems like a game he's playing, where he keeps me just close enough to where I keep holding on for dear life. I mean, he's already shown me that I'm important enough to him to remain friends with me, even after telling me we aren't friends anymore. And then there's the fact that he did indeed make an attempt to apologize to me again last night without me having to ask him to. It seems to me like no matter what I decide, I'm going to end up with the short end of the stick. I wish I really was an asshole and could just blow him off altogether. This would all be so much easier if I just never saw him or spoke to him again. Damn me and my kindness...

 

Thank you Dakine. Yea I think Ido recall our conversation in the anon section. Its good to see that weve made some progress. I really needed to hear everything that you said as I was at a loss as to what I should do. So thank you again.

I guess all I can do is be there for him. I was beginning to feel like I shouldnt have saif anything to him at all. I guess what was bothering me is that, at least fo rt now, hes seemed to have closed himself off from me. He hasnt been calling me after work like he had been for months. I kind of miss that bonding even if it was sort of clingy behavior. I keep thinking that he probably really wants to contact me but wont let himself I just feel kind of pathetic when im sitting around holding onto my phone, just waiting for him to call, and he doesnt.

After thinking about it all, youre right. There is more positive than negative. I do know that he cares about me, and despite his fierce denial of it, im certain that he does habve deeper feelings for me. All I can do is be there for him and continue to show him that I care and that he can trust me. As far as turning down other potential relationships, that shouldnt be a problem. There really is nobody else. Hes the first person ive felt this way for in years. What sd a little more time?

So thank you again tou have really helped. I hope everything goes well for you.