I feel so hurt and broken. what do i do?

So this will be a long story and I'm so sorry, but i'm hurting sooo bad right now...so if you have a few minutes read it, please.

I'm a 34yo male and have been in relationships with women all of my life. I had always been curious about being with a guy, but didn't actually experiment with this until 6 years ago. I met a guy that was 8 years younger than me...he was 21 and I was 28. What started out as just experimenting sexually turned into so much more. We began hanging out and really began to fall in love with each other. He was in the same situation as me and in the closet. About two years ago, he wanted more. He came out to some close friends and family...all of whom were welcoming with open arms. After doing so, and gaining some comfort being out, he began to ask me when I was going to make the step so we could actually have a real life together. We never went out in public. With the amount of love I have for him, I knew it would happen eventually. However, it was way, way more difficult for me. I have no idea why, but I was so embarrassed about it. I felt as though my guy friends would shun me, my parents would be disappointed...etc. I know that it was more of a personal barrier and none of that would have actually happened. I knew in my heart that coming out was the right thing to do. I love him so deeply that it could have been the right thing to do.

The biggest mistake that I have ever made in my life was procrastinating for so long. Also, as this was a personal barrier for me, there were times that I would push him away by not answering texts and sometimes going three days at a time without contacting him. This hurt him so badly and deeply. I have no idea why I did this. I knew it hurt him and yet I knew I loved him so insanely much. Now, I guess it was just something that my mind was subconsciously making me do in order to not have to cope with being gay. I'm so confused about this. It was so wrong, why did I do it?? I'm sure he was asking himself why the person who says he loves him so much is so standoffish. I have no idea why. I love him and always have with every fiber of my being. I've been in love before, but this was different. It was stronger and way deeper than ever before. When I pictured the future at any point, he was by my side. It was so wrong of me. This pain that I have caused him along with the fact that I wasn't fully ready to come out had apparently eaten away at what we were and could have been. I promised him so many times that I would welcome him into my life and that eventually we'd move somewhere awesome. I took way too long.

About three weeks ago, I knew something was wrong with him. It was almost as though he was looking at me differently and acting mad. Well, he came to me and said that he's moving and he planed on doing so withing the next month. We both just held each other and cried. I couldn't believe it. We didn't talk for a few very, very rough days. I texted him and he just asked for some of his stuff that was left at my house. I begged him for another chance. That night, he was with one of his best friends (who I hadn't met because I was such an ass). The phone rang and saw it was him so I answered. It was his friend calling me asking why I would never meet her. I obviously had no excuse or reason because if you're with some for 6 years, you should meet their friends. She invited me over. I immediately went over. I think they were both surprised that I actually went over. She said, "see, i'm not a murderer or a scary person!" He used the bathroom and while she and I were alone, she told me that I was going to lose him and that I needed to do something big to keep him. She went to bed and he and I talked. He agreed to give me one last chance.

I promised him that there wasn't going to be any more messing around and that I would immediately change. I did. The past two weeks were great. I came out to one of my close friends at work. It felt absolutely AMAZING! It was like, why the hell didn't I do this sooner??? She was shocked (because apparently she says i'm very masculine and would have never known), but she was so happy that I told her. We had our first date. We went out to dinner. Again, amazing. It was all so liberating. In the past two weeks, I have been on cloud 9....thinking about the amazing adventure I was about to have with the person I love and have deeply loved for the past 6 years...in public without worry. I was so excited to introduce him to everyone. He's awesome and hands down the most amazing person I have ever met. I was so proud to finally be able to come to terms with my personal barriers to be able to do this. The thoughts I had were so exciting and amazing. The vacations we'd take (we both love to travel abroad). The friends we'd have together. The life that we both always wanted. The thoughs of living in Spain with him someday. It was all finally going to happen. It was going to be an amazing journey with an amazing person. He spent nearly every single night with me during those two weeks. It was amazing. I was finally ready to let it all happen and was planning to ask him to move in in the coming weeks. Although I didn't think it would have been possible, the love that I had for grew even more. He and our lives were the only thing on my mind. It felt so great. It was like, Finally!!! Life can begin!

Apparently he was feeling differently. What I have done to him had really taken it's tole. I think he tried to make it work for the past two weeks, but his feelings for me were tarnished. Again, I noticed something was off with him. I asked him if he was still in with 100% and he said that he wasn't. He said how great the past two weeks have been, but apparently it was too little too late. I asked him if was one of those situations where you only want what you can't have. He said it wasn't. I told how sorry I was and that partially shunning was sooo wrong of me. I am so regretful about that. He said he was ready to move on. He said that if I had taken this step about 6 months ago (when he began having ill feelings), this wouldn't have happened. He also feels like I have settled in the city in which I live. I told him we'd move someday...but right now, it's not financially feasible. He told me how much he loved me and as I sat there sobbing how bad he felt for making me feel this way. However, this is how I think I made him feel for 6 years, so maybe I had it coming. He said in the future, he imagines us running into each other and being together, but right now it has to end. We hugged and cried for about an hour. both of our shirts were soaked with tears and he left.

I am so broken right now. I did this to myself. I know. I just wish I could rewind time and do things the right way. The kind of love that we had is rare and doesn't happen everyday. We both felt this for each other. It hurts so bad that his feelings toward me have been tainted. He begged for me for so long and I procrastinated and procrastinated. Now i'm so ready to completely give myself to him and he doesn't want it. Now what could have been such an amazing thing, may never happen. I can't stop crying...and i'm not one to cry. I feel like part of my soul and life is missing. This is so damned hard.

What should I do? Should I just let him go? Should I fight? Do you think his feeling have already been ruined beyond repair? I mean, it was six years on profound, mutual love. A kidn of love that a lot of people spend their lives in search of. He is only 26, do you think he's just young and this was bound to happen anyway?

Sorry this was as long as War and Peace.

 

Thanks Todd. I know I really messed up. I made all this happen. I do think that he feels that he lost a chunk of his life. It's a chunk I'm willing to make up to him in spades. However, being together for ever was something that we've always talked about. It's just that he was in the closet for years with me so I thought he understood how I felt. At this point, I'm willing to be out to everyone..friends, family...fully. I know it took way, way too long. It was so wrong of me to let it get this far. You're correct. I have a better chance of keeping him (albeit slim) if I fight and reach out to him.

I know I probably sound like a total ass for treating him like that. However, I'm genuinely a nice person, so I can't explain my actions. I guess I was just rationalizing it in my head that I wasn't gay. It was almost a subconscious thing for which i have no explanation. It was like I was pushing him away to maybe avoid the love. So funny how it's totally different now that I'm willing to accept who i am. I want to love him. I want to be with him constantly. I want the life that we've always wanted. I really messed up.

 

Thanks again todd for the reassurance and support. I really appreciate it. I know I need to be yelled at for what I have done. It's correct in saying that most men would have walked out a long time ago. But he didn't. So I just hope that there's just some small part of him that will allow me to make up for what I've done. He's always been about moving away somewhere. Again, something that has been postponed. At this point, I'd be willing to do anything he wants me to. he says he never wanted to or meant to change me or for me to feel forced. I can't tell him enough how much i'd be willing to to do anything to keep him in my life....i'd move to china tomorrow if he wanted. wherever. I am going to fight with all that I have for him. And I do know him. I know for a fact that he loves me. That love was damaged, but I don't think it it's impossible for it to be found again...if he let's himself find it. He's tired off the bull. He's jaded. I've done it. A person can only take so much.

As for those of you that can identify with my story first hand, I hope you can see what can happen if you're in the same situation. Don't be foolish with love. If you have it, don't push it away. I pushed the most important person in my life away and it is as AWFUL as I've ever felt like this in my life. God, I wish I wouldn't have f'd this up.

 

And also, it's not just like i'm losing my boyfriend, I'm losing my best friend. I know. booo hoo hoo. i'm sorry.

---------- Post added 24th Mar 2013 at 07:52 PM ----------

I tried so hard today to contact him. I texted him. like 10 times and wrote him a very explicit email detailing what i'm willing to do to keep him. All the things that i'm willing to do immediately and not wait another year. Right now. I want the life we always talked and dreamed about so badly.

I hope he realized that this IS the NEW me....the me that he always wanted. The old me is gone forever.

but he hasn't replied to any of them...which hurts so bad.

I really appreciate this site being here, btw. It seems to be my only source to vent. And it's not even like I could talk w/ any of my friends about this because, so sadly and regrettably, no one knows about him....except the one who I came out to...who is out of town right now.