How to deal with being in love with a guy in a straight relationship...

Hi EC

First of all, I would like to say a short word about this website, because I just LOVE it here! I know I am not very active at the forum and everything, but I visit here regularly to see the stories and struggles of others, which all resonates so much to me. It has helped me a lot to get in terms with me being gay, and I consider myself (almost fully) out, so that is really great!

So now here’s my problem. I will try to keep it as short and clear as possible

Well, I am friends with this guy, who is seemingly straight considering he has a girlfriend for 2 years. We don’t know each other that long, but we do the same study and I see him at uni all the time. The thing is, I am HEAD OVER HEELS with this guy, which almost never happens to me. I have not told him this (obviously…), and not planning to either. He knows I am gay btw. And my gaydar is not that good, but I really do think he is straight.

Anyway, we click a lot as friends out of uni as well. We like each other, we share a lot of the same humour. However, often the contact has to come from my side; and that’s what bugs me a lot (but since I am officially out, he has contacted me more and more too, interestingly!). What I am really having troubles with, is that I would love to contact him about almost everything what happens to me (you know, what you do with your best friends, for example when something happens in the train, in the library, funny fb statuses etc.). Because I know this will lead to a good / funny conversation with him. But then... I also do not want to come too close to him, knowing that that will hurt. By hurt I mean the fact that I am gay and he will never be, he has a girlfriend, he can't give me the love I would like to have between us etc. Does anyone of you recognize this feeling? I so wanna get in touch with him all the time, but I do not do it out of selfprotection (also because he might feel I am into him or something, haha).

What I have done so far to get over him:
- Doing the rational thing, like ‘he is just a friend and he is straight, stop being so attracted to him, it will never work’ etc. This works until I see him again in real life and I have to start all over again :tears:
- Pointing out heavily his shortcomings etc, the things that do not make him perfect (does not work either, because his flaws make him even more desirable, since nobody is perfect...).
- Just thinking: Ok, it is ok, don't worry too much about this, I have to get through this, it is part of my life… Blabla (hurts sooo much though)
- Talking about it with my (mostly straight) friends. Although I am really happy and grateful I can talk about this to them, they cannot really give me ‘THE’ answer or resolution either (but then, maybe there is not such thing at all!)

What should I do now? I feel like there are 3 options:
- Keep the contact as it is now, so an ok friendship. Not too much from both sides, but me in pain, still.
- Cut the contact as far as my side is concerned, totally. This will give me a lot of rest but I would lose a great great friend which you do not find easily
- Or get in touch with him a lot more than I do now, which might turn our friendship even into a larger stage (I am meaning becoming like bffs, not relationshipwise). However, this will lead to even more pain probably, too.

So yeah, I am obviously worrying a lot about it, and it's keeping me busy all day. I just.. can't.

By the way, this is not necessarily such a topic as ‘he seems to be straight but he might be into me as well’ (although haha, I would love this to happen!... and while I am writing this I am thinking, maybe its my actual problem?), but more that I am trying how to deal with this, since it is such a good contact but whoring me out emotionally on the other hand too. I want to be realy good friends with him, but it is hurting me too. Also, when I would let him go, I would lose a good friendship.

Wow, it has become quite a long story after all. I think I am looking for any opinions, similar stories, tricks etc from you guys. Anything helps! Thanks for reading!

 

Hey thanks for your answer! Yeah it is very painful indeed... Btw, I am curious how it did work out for you after all?

And Naomilly, thanks for your response too. I am afraid I will not be able to tell him, I think I am not that kinda person… Do you have experience with it?

 

Up

3 months later. Still the same, actually worse. It HURTS as hell. It's making me sad and it keeps me busy all day, all night...

I actually spend the last months more time with him than I did when I wrote my opening post. And it made me even fall in love even more. So unfortunately, this didn't help me either.

I am afraid the only option is to let him go for my own good. The time / distance / hanging out with other people thing.

Anyone? Maybe I just someone to push me in the right direction. I'm clueless... But so ready to get rid of this awful feeling!

Thanks

 

Thank you! That is a very good suggestion, in case I get somehow over him in the future ... I hate impossible love