Hi there, I'm currently in my first romantic relationship ever with a guy 14 years my junior. We have been hanging out about seven months and have been physical (kissing, sex, sleeping in the same bed) for about four months. It has been great, and I have surprised myself about how natural sensuality has felt for me, as a very late bloomer (I'm 35). One thing though, when we first starting hanging out, I said I had been with one women and messed around with a guy and a girl and that's it. So I was open about being very inexperienced in sex in general and pretty much a newbie with guys. He didn't care and said that he felt relatively inexperienced too. So, fast forward to now. I've really fallen for him and I'm beginning to feel the urge to be completely honest with him. I kinda want to tell him the truth: that I briefly messed around with two girls as a kid (rubbing/playing and I'll show you mine, vice versa) and messed around with two guys around middle school. And that is it. No sex with anyone and not even kissing. He is young and not the most emotional guy and I don't want to overwhelm him. I'm also worried he will be weirded out by my confession and/or pissed that I misrepresented myself to him. I think I lied to protect myself from possible rejection and shame due to my lack of experience. So, on one hand, I want to be honest with my guy and not have secrets. I also want to "own" my past in order to lessen my shame about it and move towards deeper self-acceptance. On the other hand I'm afraid to weird him out or that he will be angry that I lied in the first place. So, help! Any thoughts would be awesome!
Well, I'm going to take the sound of crickets as a sign that I already have my answer. I will take the path of vulnerability and just be honest. No matter what happens, that is what I need to do. I need to be known and seen in order to love and be loved. So, thanks!
First off, people don't always respond in a timely fashion around here. Usually people respond to threads that interest them - it's possible the traffic tonight just hasn't been in your direction for some reason. That said, honesty in a relationship is important, as you seem to know. I personally don't think omitting that part of your past is a big deal, but I'm not in your shoes. If it's eating at you somehow and you think it would make you feel better to share with him, then by all means be honest. Communication is paramount in relationships, and that goes for "not dealing with things by yourself" as well. I will say that part of the reason he may not be so emotional is because you're in different stages of life. Presumably, he's still in or just finishing college whereas you've likely been out for quite some time. Being honest, most guys at 21 have not even seriously considered a long-term relationship or the idea of "settling down". That's not to discourage you from a relationship, but I think some serious thought should be given (on both your parts) to make sure you guys are really as compatible as you think beyond the superficial details.
You might be right. I feel very young and inexperienced at this point in my life in comparison to my actual age. I'm also just coming into my own in terms of jobs and figuring out who I am and what I want. And as I said this is my first real romantic and sexual relationship. So, in a way I feel as young if not younger than him. But yeah, the 14 year age gap might be a problem nonetheless. Something to keep in mind.
I'll echo Budder's comments. Telling him the truth is important, and I think you can frame it easily enough just as you did here: You are newly out, uncomfortable with your lack of experience, so you embellished it a little because you were afraid you'd be rejected. I can't imagine he would be terribly upset by this. (On the other hand, if you'd slept with 3 dozen people and claimed no experience, *that* would be a completely different story, because it has other implications.) I've suggested this a lot, but I think it's applicable here as well: If you haven't already read about her elsewhere, I strongly recommend checking out "The Power of Vulnerability" TED talk by Brené Brown. It's a funny, powerful, engaging 18 minute presentation on shame, authenticity, and vulnerabilty by a researcher who has studied this field for 12+ years. Her work is really valuable to anyone, but particularly to LGBT people in the early coming out stages.
I told him everything the other night and it was great. It was freeing and I think telling the truth has helped me with my feelings of shame about my past. I think simply the honesty and act of vulnerability has brought us closer together. His reaction was very sweet....he grabbed both my hands, kissed and embraced me tightly! Glad I was honest. Thanks for the perspectives!
I would be honest with your partner on that fact that you did experiment at an early age. I would assume that it doesn't even matter to him, in fact, it shouldn't matter at all. You were young back then and also if you had sex with him he shouldn't even care. He knows that you love him, and he loves you.
