Hi there, I was hoping to get some advice about how to walk through this current problem I have in my straight relationship. My sexuality is ambiguous and it's hurting us both. I'm a female, 2nd year uni, and I met my boyfriend, Rick (2 yrs my senior, heterosexual male), while I was in a transition. During that time I was becoming open to the idea that if I were to end up in any relationship, if my partner were also a woman I'd be happy with that. I was, however, very passive about exploring and questioning my possible queer sexuality, impart because I was trying to ease into it, get slowly involved with this concept, and second, it was really intimidating. I would be friendly with all genders, though, when I was single, just to assure anyone approaching me that I was available. I am attracted to and interested both men and women, but I never confirmed whether I want to be with a woman sexually while I was single. I am, primarily, drawn to personalities, though. I couldn't have a one-night stand with someone and wouldn't dream of it, it's too emotionally trying. I have considered the prospect of being pansexual. But, so far, I am unsure and unconfirmed whether I'm sexually attracted to women or the attraction would come with the relationship. Rick is having a hard time with this and in turn so am I. In his previous relationship his ex-girlfriend (Maria) identified as bi-sexual, though she also never confirmed whether she was or not, Rick was her first partner. They would fight about letting her explore her bisexuality within the relationship with which he had qualms. The idea of Maria sleeping with someone else, let alone with a female, while they were together was hurtful to him. He loved her and didn't want to lose her. It also didn't help that the passion between them was unequal, he often explains how she didn't have as much emotional fervor as he did, at least, she wouldn't show it as much. In addition, she made it clear that she sexually preferred women a lot of the time, which made the relationship very rocky and had to come to an end. The way Maria and Rick ended was so painful to him, it left him feeling really insecure about himself and satisfying his partner. Especially with the prospect of his female partner being attracted to women. Together, that problem has risen again. So, what sparked this was my comments on a woman's body that I unwittingly went on about for a full 20 minutes. I usually think nothing of it, I'm so used to looking at women's and men's bodies time and time again but it was completely inconsiderate of Rick's feelings. We talked for a long time about this and he was adamant about taking a break and letting me go and figure myself out. I fought this because it would mean I'd be losing him and also I had no desire in searching for another person, let alone a woman, under that context. If anything, that would make the experience sickening not exploratory. In addition, if it were to be a one night stand that wouldn't prove anything because I only entertain the idea of being with other women if it resulted in a relationship. Three way fantasies aside. As of late, we decided against a break, they never do work, as my good friend advised. Now we are both in this weird space. He feels so insecure right now because of a sexual preference I may or may not have towards women. I want him to feel safe and loved but who I am is having the opposite effect. Personally, when I entered this relationship, I delayed answering the question of my sexuality and labeling it, just as I had done before I met him. But he needs confirmation and affirmation that his effect on me sexually is legitimate and sufficient and my attraction to women would not compromise this. I want to reassure him but I don't know how to go about this. We've entertained the idea of a three way with another woman but we are still unsure whether the results would be legitimate. One solution would be for me to pursue a new relationship with a woman which he and I both don't want. It's essentially breaking up. We love each other, was say it to each other all the time and we hope to stay with one another for a long time. I love him fully, I never doubted that and I meant every syllable. We have great sex, he's a phenomenal lover, I couldn't ask for anyone better. Our relationship works but this unanswered question is fogging this beautiful thing we have and it hurts me, especially because I'm hurting him. Deep down inside, though, I do want to answer the question, figure myself out. But if that jeopardizes my feelings for him, then I don't know what I would do. It hurts too much thinking of losing him. I love him and he makes me happy, but if who I may be is hurting him, I don't know what I should do. Sorry for the long post. Please, help. Thanks.
