Opening My Arms and Letting Him Fly

Right now I feel like my life is LITERALLY a version of Mariah Carey's "Butterfly". Sigh.

I've been dating the man of my dreams now for the past year and a half. We live in separate countries and it's not been easy. We have had so many ups and downs but it's totally been worth it all. I have had a few visits from him and we have an amazing time together. I never get tired of spending every moment and second with him. I am deeply in love with him and want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him...

Recently he has changed his mindset from wanting to be super serious, thinking about the future together, him as my potential husband, etc to wanting to be in the moment and enjoying the "ride". The concept of marriage and thinking about it scares him/makes him feel smothered. For his sake, he was in a 5 year relationship with a girl he felt trapped with, miserable, and depressed and he is only 23 (I'm 27). This sudden change has left me feeling very distressed, hurt, heartbroken even... Plus, once you find "the one" it's kinda hard to disassociate those daydreams about them... it's just painful beyond belief.

So, to the main issue: I know he is bi and have always known he is more attracted to men than women. I don't know how I managed to catch his interest in me romantically other than he says he can tell I truly love him and that I "get him" and he doesn't feel lonely in the least around me. I expected to be the last person he would pick as a partner. I can tell he really does love me with all of his heart too, but, I believe his lack of experience with a man is getting to him a lot. Because of this I made the hardest decision of my life in allowing him to date men casually while we are together for him to get some experience. He says I deserve a "Girlfriend of the Year Award" because of it... I sure hope so at this point. It's not an easy decision to make, especially when you think about what your boyfriend could be doing with someone else.

Anyway, I guess I'm just feeling down and like this is going to pull us apart. He has a very brief stint chatting romantically with a guy which caused him to break up with his last ex then it kinda fell apart. She apparently was as thick as a brick and had no personality so I understand why. The guy was just some douchebag leading him on.

Sometimes with how he talks about it I don't feel like I can compare to how he has puts male/male relationships on a pedestal. He also says it "feels different" and "right" sexually with a man over a woman. With women he wants to please them and with men he can relax and enjoy it. I don't want to tell him I think this is going to jeopardize our relationship that because he needs this experience and if anything, maybe it will make him happier in the long run even if it does. He cried at even the thought of losing me. I did tell him if worse comes to worse I'd just be a fag hag (I'm good at being that).

My flow of tears when no one is around hasn't stopped. My heart is already broken for what I feel I know what going to come, the end of our relationship. For his happiness though, I don't feel like it's my right to stand in the way of his sexuality. No matter how much it hurts, I'm not right to interfere. I'm opening up my arms and letting go of the one true person I don't want to live without, knowing that I probably will because of it.

Can anyone offer me advice? Kind words? Anything please?

 

Thank you very much IrishEves<3 I found a situation with another user and I suspect with a lot of what he says to me he could possibly be gay. It hit too close to home for him and he just told me to stop copy/pasting him things and even hung up on me and one point and logged off Skype. He said he has worked too hard for this and I'm a constant in his life and he isn't letting me go. We do have an amazing connection and until we found each other, we both had that "empty" and "lonely" feeling at a constant, even when dating other people. We just "click" and feel so comfortable and happy around each other. I told him I suspect he feels completely different about men as he does with women (he has admitted to me several things to indicate this) and that he shouldn't deny himself true happiness just because he loves me and feels committed to me.

He also told me the Kinsey Scale was a bullshit scale (he says stuff like that when he's upset) and he looked at it and refused to give me a number he was at but I suspect he is between a 4-5, maybe even 5-6, I'm not completely sure. I know intimately, I do arouse him, I've given him some pretty intense orgasms, but how much if it is actually me? We do have passion, I can feel it when we kiss and make love, but is it real? I know a lot of older gay men who have been married to women says that was the same case with them but it faded over time till the sex was non-existent and they were miserable and ended up having to take Viagra and fake orgasms.

Granted, he DOES have a stronger female side but it meshes well because I'm a bit of a tom boy. Perhaps he just found a girl that has the innards of a gay man? (Many of my gay friends tell me I'm a gay man in a woman's body... and I'm someone inclined to agree.)

I have taken all steps to try to help the situation previously. I've bought toys, I've swapped gender roles, I've romanced him (sending him gifts, taken him to dinner and paid, I booked a bed and breakfast and did the whole candles on the floor, chocolate covered strawberries, champagne, and huge 2 people bathtub thing), I'm always the big spoon when we sleep, and I'm literally willing to do anything for him sexually to make him happy.

I guess there is a small provability he could be bi but I'm not entirely sure. I know he likes curvy girls... he is attracted to my curves and especially my breasts. He does get aggressive over me sometimes if we go too long without intercourse like I expect any straight man would that is sexually active. He has a fetish with food that is strictly women, otherwise I believe he just looks at gay porn, and he also likes the idea of a threesome with me, him, and another girl or watching me play with another girl.

I'm so confused at this point x.x either way, I just want him to be happy. I healed his heart a lot from his ex and the guy that led him on, I know I've molded and formed a lot of his personality, I've given him drive to do better in college and he's getting ready to go into an automotive engineering program. I've also called him out on a lot of his bullshit and made him grow up, helped him get over a lot of things, helped him feel better about himself and become "more alpha" instead of "beta" as he calls it. My family adores him, my friends adore him, my dogs adore him (everyone knows the dog is the most important, if the dog doesn't like you your a bad apple! lol) Everything he lacks, I fill, and everything I lack, he fills... it seems so perfect but, is it really? *sigh* Hopefully testing the waters will help him see if he is bisexual or gay.