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Having a gifted boyfriend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by marcos220000, Mar 29, 2013.

  1. marcos220000

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    Hi,

    I have a gifted boyfriend, who's more intelligent than I am. His IQ has been measured by tests, and he's way above the average.
    He's a wonderful and loving person, but sometimes I feel this fact is a problem in our relationship.
    He's bossy, he always tells me how things should be done because he's a perfectionist. I feel sad because everything I do, he comes and tells me how I am not doing it in the most efficient way, or in the right way. And I'm fine with someone giving me advice, but when it's all the time and about everything I do, then it becomes tiresome.
    However, when I look closely to the corrections he makes, I notice that they're valid.
    I don't know what to do...

    has anyone been through anything similar?
     
    #1 marcos220000, Mar 29, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2013
  2. Owen

    In Loving Memory Full Member

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    As a gifted person myself, I have to say, it sounds like your boyfriend is kinda being a jerk. It can be frustrating to see others not "perform" on the same level as oneself, but a nice gifted person will have the tact to not be bossy about it, even if their corrections are correct, unless they've been asked for their input.

    What kind of things does your boyfriend boss you around about or try to correct?
     
  3. greatwhale

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    Agree with Owen, my IQ is also above-average but I've learned the hard way that no one appreciates unsolicited advice (even if we're right-dammit!).

    This really shows the dichotomy between book-knowledge and street smarts, the latter is far more fuzzy and difficult to deal with...
     
  4. June Cleaver

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    Be carefull, he may be abusing you. Verbal and/or mental abuse. If it is constant like you do nothing right, it may be abuse. I wish you well and hope it is nothing like. Good luck, June
     
  5. Bent

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    I don't think your boyfriend having an IQ that is above average is an excuse for him to treat you like that. Half of all people have an IQ that is "above average;" however, very few of IQ scores alone lead to having problems with social interaction (which he appears to be having).
    Unless he's in the 135+ range (around the 98-99th percentile) he has no business thinking you are inferior to him in mental processing etc. Even if he happens to be in that range, there's no reason for acting upon those beliefs by making comments and such.

    IQ shouldn't have that big of an affect on a relationship unless it's a difference of several standard deviations (I can almost guarantee you it isn't) it sounds like an excuse to be kind of a jerk to me.

    Maybe you should have a chat with him about his comments and that they aren't much appreciated or something.
     
  6. INTJ

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    I'm also well above average too and very similar to your boyfriend as we are both INTJ's. You have to understand that we find a great deal of satisfaction when a task is done efficiently. So much that when it isn't done properly, we feel inclined to fix everything that isn't working.

    From what I'm reading I think you are simply misinterpreting the signals. From your perspective it may feel as if he is trying to make you feel stupid by telling you how to do things. I am willing to bet that he is telling you these things because he doesn't want to see you make any mistakes which is just his way of showing his affection.

    I do not think he is intentionally being mean to you as some others in this topic are suggesting. I simply do not see it from the way you are describing the situation. Being mean to you would involve raising his voice or saying harsh things.

    At any rate, the solution is to talk to him and tell him how you feel. If he is the type of person I think he is, he will take aboard what you are feeling VERY seriously - as it is a problem - and will rectify as best as he can.
     
  7. Gen

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    At first I wasnt going to, but I actually partially agree with INTJ. It reminds me of a situation I am going through now, in which a group of my friends and I have to write to 12 page papers for a class we share.

    I hate to call myself gifted, because I fear that it will come across as elitist, but I have done extremely well academically and especially in recent years I have started to get a lot of praise for my skills as a writer. So naturally, I have always been the one in my social circles, peers, etc that many people look to for academic help. However, a close friend of mine was struggling with this paper. It didnt help that he screwed himself with the topic that he chose. For the past month I had been on the verge of actually begging him to let me help him with it. Doing well on this paper was essential for passing the class, and he really cant afford not to. Anyway, the deadline was last week and he showed up with nothing. He later turned in a paper with half the required pages a week late. Long story short, he will obviously fail.

    The moral to this story is that you have to be able to take correction/suggestion when needed. With that being said, needed is definitely not all of the time. Sometimes I feel like. "Um.... Can I just...... Let me.......Just.......You could just.....Right there.......If we could just fix....that......". But I have to stop myself and remember that we are not robots. Everything doesnt have to be done in the most optimal way, as long as it gets done.

    I mean, I would hate to be with me. I never rub my accomplishments or skills in people's faces. Though it can definitely be hard to keep up with someone that might be outwardly talents/gifted in one way, and I would hate for him to feel inadequate. Advice should always be given in the suggestive. You are advising, not telling. Well you could do or I think you should do. Never, this way or that was is better. Definitely not amongst equals in a relationship. I would talk to him.
     
  8. Mysz

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    Plus, talking to him about it will show you to be less passive and more understanding, something that he lacks. If he is intelligent, he should accept it and listen to you :slight_smile: