Hey guys so here is my problem: Back this fall I met this guy during orientation for college and we hit it off. We did everything together from going to events, to exploring the city. I came out to him and he took it well saying it didn't bother him. We got closer as the weeks passed. We'd go to the gym and work out and swim, well more like goof off in the pool. So he was definitely comfortable with me, also adding once when we were out and it began to rain and we pressed against each other trying to fit under my small umbrella. But that began to change after 2 months. I met a guy I liked and began to talk about him a lot to my friends, including him. I also did admit later that I liked one of his friends (long story)and he did seem a bit annoyed about it. He then one night told me that he was used to, and preferred to hang out with girls. After that he stopped responding to my texts and knowing him, I stopped bothering him. I tried once back in November to talk to him and we ate together. He basically said it wasn't like we had been that close anyways and that hurt me to the point that I did not contact him again. Then a few weeks ago I texted him again and we began talking again. We hung out a lot for 3 days, just like we used to back in the fall but then one day he just did not respond to my text again. My friends told me to just text him again, and I did but he did not respond. My friends tell me I should stop chasing after this friend as he's a jerk but I miss hanging out with him. We had gotten close but then clammed up basically.
Hmm. I can see some possibilities here: a) He started to have feelings for you. Or what he thinks might be feelings for you. This could range from having had a dream about you to just starting to feel really close to you as a friend with nothing sexual about it. To actually finding himself being attracted to you and/or starting to question his sexuality. Being a young straight guy (as far as he's ever been concerned) his reaction is confusion and upset and wanting to distance himself from the 'source' of his confusion and feelings (the part of 'the source of his confusion and feelings' will be played by you this evening ). He may then either tamp down on the feelings or they fade or whatnot, so he decides to get back in contact with you. Followed by the feelings maybe coming back or he's reminded of them. And then the cycle repeats. b) He really liked you as a friend and was totally not bothered by your orientation. But somewhere along the line he mentioned you to someone else and they gave him grief about hanging out with a gay guy and what that might mean about him or what others would think or somesuch. Being at an age when the opinions of others (or at least these others) matter a whole lot to him, he distances himself from you. Then he starts to miss you and tries to reconnect. At which point he either gets more grief or is reminded of it and distances himself again. Just some thoughts, Todd
AKTodd, first of all thank you for your insight. It did cross at one point in my mind that he might like me since he seamed to show no interest in girls like other guys I know. However, I am almost certain that is not the case for two reasons: a) When I met him, I was just coming out to everyone and for once I could be open about who I liked. I met a guy that I liked a lot and now I could tell people about my feelings instead of holding them. I spoke a lot about my crush to him and one of my other friends stated that perhaps this is what distanced us. My friend probably got fed up hearing about me talk about my crush so much especially because he might be straight. Then I started to realize I liked this other guy in my class, who happened to be friends with my friend. He told me that he knew the guy I liked was straight. b) Coming to college, I wanted to start fresh and be more sincere and honest. So I basically told him after some point that I initially spoke to him that night we met because I had found him to be attractive. Some other time I also told him I really liked him/ loved him but clarified that I meant that as a friend. I was not lying about that as I had really grown used to him. He said he knew what I meant and to stop clarifying that it was not that other "like". The only problem with these two is that when we got together again a few weeks ago, I did not bring up my past crushes nor acted "gay" towards him. This is why I am confused as to why he suddenly stopped talking to me again. I did not make the same mistakes.
I concur with AKTodd. I think his "a" scenario is most likely. It's very possible that either he is coming to the awareness that he might be gay or bi, and starting to think about that, and all that it means... and so not talking to you allows him to stay in denial. The problem is, there really isn't much you can do about it. If he is in denial, the last thing he'll want to do is talk to you about it. And it may be really uncomfortable for him to be around you, because, if he is in denial... being around you reminds him of that. Of course, there are other possible explanations, but that one seems most plausible to me. You've done everything you should do, and you've acted correctly. it sucks when someone else isn't prepared to be authentic with themselves, but if this is the first time he's becoming aware of those feelings... it can be pretty overwhelming, as you probably know. I'd say give it time, hang out with other people, and maybe check in with him every now and then.
It's true that that could be the case. However, given the fact that I never saw any signs that showed me that he was interested in my that way, I wonder if maybe he was just tired of me? On one site, someone else posted a similar problem and one response stood out for me. One person said that they personally did that to someone because they had gotten tired of being friends with them and they thought it was more polite to just begin distancing themselves rather than tell the person the truth. He is drawn to "interesting people"-as he puts it and that is why he spoke to me. He told me that he found me to be different and interesting. He loves talking about politics but I don't. If it's about foreign languages though, then yes. The reason I'm dismissing the possibly attraction is because of my two failed crushes here. Most of the guys here are straight or in the closet, but it's unlikely that my two crushes were closeted and the same goes for my friend. Maybe he did just get tired of me and wanted to spare me the truth so he just ignored my texts, removed me from from Facebook, and ignored me the last time we ran into each other in the dining hall. I was walking out and he was coming in. He stopped for a bit as though he was about to say something but then just went in. :icon_sad:
You should just tell him that you like him, and in "that" way. He's already not talking to you, it can't really get worse from there.
I should have clarified one part as now I read it and it is incorrect. I mentioned that I met a guy and started talking about him to my friend. I met this guy that I had a crush on the same night I met my friend, just minutes before. I started speaking about my crush to him about 2 weeks after we started hanging out. And then around a month or close to 2 months after we met, I asked him about someone who happened to live on his floor and with whom he was friends with if that person was straight. He responded in what sounded as an annoyed voice that yeah the guy was straight. A few weeks later, he began to stop communicating with me. I don't know if this makes a big difference but there it is.
