My fourteen-year-old son told me that he is panromantic (or rather I heard one of his friends refer to him that way, and I asked him about it). I told him that I love him no matter what, but he was still reluctant to talk about it. I certainly understand that--these things can be very difficult for a fourteen-year-old boy to talk about. But I also wanted to know if he in fact thought of himself as panromantic, and so I asked him about it. His answers were never very definitive, so I asked him directly if he is physically attracted to all genders. He asked me what I meant by that, and I said, "does thought of having sex with people of different genders appeal to you." This elicited the most emphatic response of our conversation; he answered, roughly, "I don't really want to have sex with anyone. It doesn't seem like something I would enjoy." I asked him if he ever thinks about kissing people, etc., and he said "sometimes." I'm not entirely sure what he is going through, but I worry that his friends might be trying a little too hard to define his sexuality for him. In addition, he is very hesitant to talk to his mother (still my wife), because of religion. I'm not religious, but she is and he goes to church with her. I told him that she will still love him, and that I would like for him to talk to her, but that I wasn't going to tell her. I'm conflicted about this. I think he needs time to sort this out, but I also feel like he needs support and people he can talk to. What do the folks here think?
He sounds like he may be a panromantic asexual, which means that he has the capacity to form romantic bonds with all genders, but is not sexually attracted to them. (romantic and sexual are different orientations controlled by different parts of the brain). However, he is the only one who knows his true orientation and can tell you for sure. That said... in my opinion, i think you need to give him a little space to figure things out. He doesn't seem comfortable with telling you just yet, possibly because he hasn't fully accepted it himself. You should definitely offer him your support and love... but, in the end, I think this is a road he must travel alone. Best of Luck and thanks for being an awesome dad
If you're worried about his friends pressing labels on him, tell him its totally ok to take the time to figure it out for himself. He doesn't need to form himself around the ideals his friends have of him. Then again, he is fourteen. He probably simply doesn't wanna discuss sex with his dad when he isn't even sure he wants sex. Make sure he knows that he can talk to you about anything he is thinking, and that you won't discuss anything he says to you without his permission. You sound like an awesome dad.
Labels are for clothes, and particularly for a 14 year old, he's likely still figuring himself out. I doubt he's asexual; in spite of the rampant way that label du jour is getting thrown around, I think it's a lot more likely that he just isn't comfortable acknowledging what he's feeling yet, and it may be particularly odd talking about that with his dad. I'd suggest you consider pointing him here. He can be open and talk about what he's feeling, the confusion he's got going on, and get some reliable information and affirmation and support. That's probably the best thing he can get right now.
It doesn't really matter what you label him. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, would it not? If your son doesn't want to talk about it, I wouldn't press him. He may not be sure about his orientation himself. Also, I totally agree with Chip. If your son needs a support group, EC is an excellent resource! And thanks for being a caring father. We need more dads like you in the world.
When I was fourteen the idea of sex was pretty freaky and didn't sound all that great. Even though almost all of us are raging balls of hormones at that age, that doesn't mean we actually find sex appealing.
I'm Panromantic as well. Just remember that labels are just a way for a person to have some way to identify, but it does not define a person. He may become more sexual or not who can say? However he is very welcome on here and you're a great dad! (*hug*)
He is very lucky to have someone like you as a Dad. With the amount of horror story's floating around out there about outing and disowning, it's good to know there's still acceptance out there. To me it's sounds like he's identifying as Panromantic Asexual, but sexuality is fluid. Give him some time and make sure he knows you're always going to be there for him. When he's ready to talk, im sure he'll come to you.
Give him time. Waiting can be a pain, but sometimes, waiting..is the only cure.. He may be confused as towards his sexuality. I was the same when I came to realise I was gay. Give it time.
Thanks for all the responses. As a parent it is hard to watch your children sort through these things from a distance, especially when the world can be such a cruel place. But I think you are all probably right that pestering won't help either. I'm kind of surprised at how scary this is for me. I can only imagine what he feels. Well imagine and read here, I guess.
