You guys really need to help me…I’m starting to head back to that ‘bad place’… It’s just been a whole bunch of stuff lately that’s just snowballed to me sitting in my bedroom thinking ‘who would really miss me?’ Hence, ‘bad place.’ Do I want to feel like that? Hell, no. It just seems that no matter what I can’t just stay happy. Last time I forced myself out of the ‘bad place’ and I was doing great. Occasionally I would have little spurts here and there but overall it was good. Now…it’s changed. Let’s see, one of the reasons could be Alex (long story for those who don’t know, best friend possibly, really unsure on our friendship anymore). We never talk anymore, not true conversations really. I can’t remember the last time we’ve had a heartfelt conversation, which is sad considering we’re supposedly best friends. He’ll say ‘hi’ to me in the hallways to which I never reply. ‘Why?’ you ask. Because if he doesn’t have time for me, I don’t have time for him. He actually had the audacity to ask me the other day why I don’t say ‘hi’ to him anymore. If we weren’t sitting around other people, I would’ve said some pent up words, but I just kept my cool and lied saying that I did. It stems from that though. Him and his girlfriend kinda sicken me. She’s a freshman, he’s a sophomore. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t care about cross-grade relationships, it’s just theirs. She’s really pretty (I’m personally not attracted to her, but she is pretty) and Alex is well…a geek. No one understands why she would go for him. I always thought there was something fishy about it, and there is. There other week my friend Jess was with his girlfriend and she gave Jess advice on getting a boyfriend (which she doesn’t need help with considering one of the most good-looking guys in our grade likes her) and his girlfriend said, “Jess, you really just need to find a naïve, nerdy guy. They’ll do anything you want.” It pains me to seem together and knowing that he chooses her over me. Especially now, when I really need someone to talk to, someone who understands me, it hurts that he’s not here… Let’s see, then there’s every guy friend in my life. Matt understands me and we can have great conversation, but when it comes to times when I need him, he’s also not there. He’ll ignore my texts or even said just short replies. I would love to see his response to me admitting I’m back in my ‘bad place’ though.’ Then there’s Nate. I can’t really talk to him about anything. He’s a straight homophobe who just happens to know I’m bi. I haven’t talked to him since like two weeks ago and I don’t plan on it anytime soon. He’s just an ass to me. There’s Darren, but I’m confused on our entire friendship. I won’t go into him mostly because it’ll just be a long rant. Finally there’s Justin. He’s my cousin and therefore I can’t talk to him about anything going on with me. I’ve told him bits and pieces of stuff, but since a nice bunch of it’s about me being bi, I can’t. Now how about what’s going on…I just feel like absolute shit. The ‘thoughts’ are back. I feel insignificant, unimportant. I sit in classes where I’m ridiculed for having good grades. I go to a school where no actions against homophobia are taken (I’m not getting bullied but other people are). I feel like I could just leave and no one would miss me. I mean face it, I hardly have any friends as it is, and the ones I have, have a plethora of other friends. Would people miss me? Sure, but would I leave some major lasting impact? Doubt it. I have to hide me being bi just to not get bullied. Even when I go to college I can’t come out since the school I’m most likely going to is where my sister goes. I just don’t think I can really stand things anymore.
okay, well i dont know where or how to start, but i'll try. so i know exactly how you feel, there are times where i feel like that too, and honestly if your friends dont give you the time of day then you need to go find yourself some new friends. but there will always be someone who will notice that youre gone, or not the same as before, but just wont say anything until its too late, just remember that you are loved. just find something you like to preoccupy yourself with and make friends from that. and really, life will turn around, and things will turn out how they're supposed to be, they might not change today or tomorrow, but it will happen. just keep your head up and shine on.
You need an outlet. Try joining a club at school or outside of school (karate, etc). There was a time in high school (around sophomore year) that I hated my "friends". I begged my parents to switch schools (they didn't go for that) and eventually I started changing how I spent my time. I spent less time doing things that put me around the "friends" and more time doing things that gave me a fresh lease on high school. It worked out, albeit slowly at first, but by my senior year I had found two groups of true friends that I never dreamt of having during sophomore year. Always remember that high school is only four years of your life, college too is about four years. This too shall pass. Also, become the person that you want to be friends with, and if it's tough fake it until you make it!
