Hurt

First of all, I appreciate that even though you seem to be having a lot of difficulty with the fact that your brother is gay that you came here to understand and ask for advice. The fact that you even sought out EmptyClosets is a good sign. I encourage you to continue to ask questions here at EmptyClosets and to read some threads to educate yourself. I felt like I needed to start with that because what I am going to write may be a bit blunt, however I do want to encourage you to continue learning and working to understand.

Do you realize your whole post revolved around how you are upset for yourself that your brother is gay? Have you stopped to consider how difficult this likely is for him? Have you thought about the fact that he probably fears rejection from the people he loves simply because of who he is?

Do you think he hasn't though about the fact that, while not impossible, it would be far more difficult for him to have biological children than if he was straight?

How awkward was Easter for him? It's a religious holiday celebrated by a religion that largely views him as an abomination, and he had to celebrate like that wasn't the case because he feels that he needs to hide who he really is from the people he loves most.

Mourning the loss of the life you expected/wished for your brother to have is a normal step toward acceptance (and I think especially common for parents of gay children), but you need to remember that the white picket fence, the wife, and the two children you pictured for him would not make him happy. He is gay. What would make him happy is a white picket fence, a husband, and two children. Now I know him having a wife would make you happier, but you don't get to ask someone else to sacrifice a life of love and happiness so you don't feel uncomfortable.

Your brother IS still the same person. He has always been gay. He has been gay since birth. The only thing that has changed is that now you know this.

You should definitely wait for him to come out to you. If you could relieve the burden of his secret by telling him you know, hugging him and accepting him 100% (no less) THEN you could speak to him first, but you do not sound like you are in a place where you can be supportive of him right now. And what he needs is support and acceptance. You do not sound like you can give him support without some more time to process this combined with some education.


You seem to have some misinformation about homosexuality. Let's start there. Getting your facts straight will go a long way toward getting you to understand your brother.

• You seem to think your brother chose to be gay. That is not true. He was born gay. He can not change it. It is who he is.
  
• You referred to a "homosexual lifestyle" that you do not approve of. There is no more a homosexual lifestyle than there is a heterosexual lifestyle. People and their lifestyles differ by individual. The ONLY difference for gay individuals is that they date people of the same sex. That's it.

Do you have any questions about being gay? Or what your brother is going through? Or anything else? Please ask anything that is on your mind. I think what you need most is information, and you're in luck! We have LOTS of information here at EmptyClosets.

 

Well not much more I can add after Parsleys fantastic post. Bravo for that BTW, really well done.


I was in a similar situation as your brother. I am 21 My brother is almost 24 ,so its a similar age difference. I was very worried about telling my brother because we had a good relationship before I came out. I knew my brother would be uncomfortable, with the news.

I was right in knowing he would be uncomfortable and what has mattered the most to be is that he is trying to become more comfortable. I am being mindful of him, for example I am not telling him about my crushes or anything like that, but I am not hiding myself from him either. If/When I get a boyfriend in the future I will want my brother to meet him.

Its great they you came onto EC to get some info. That is a big step, I would recommend sticking around a bit if you can and learning about the LGBT community and becoming more comfortable with it. Your brother is gay and he will be gay for the rest of his life. That is not going to change, but your comfort level with it can.

As for your initial question, You should wait until he tells you. It allows him to become okay with it first, don't force him to be out to you.

Once again its great you came here, and if you have any questions ask away. There is always someone who is willing to help.

 

Welcome to EC! You've most definitely come to the right place, and like, Parsley said stick around for more support/advice. I have would to say that Parsley summed it up perfectly. I also think you're making this about you when in fact, it isn't. All I read was how your brother being gay will affect you. It seems a bit selfish, don't cha think? What about what he wants? I'm sure he's been struggling with this for a while. And now, that he's in the process of coming out, I think you should keep how you feel to yourself. This step is very crucial for LGBT individuals. It determines who really loves us unconditionally. Would you prefer for him to lie, hiding who he is while being afraid of what people like you will think of him.

He can still have biological children, maybe not the traditional way, but that's for him to deal with. And being gay isn't a choice, it's a choice to accept who you are. When did you choose to be straight? I'm not trying to be mean, because I'm the nicest person in the world. My sister treated me differently when I came out and it hurt me so much. So, please do not do the same thing that my sister did to me to your brother. After all, he is still the same person.