Hello, first of all a little bit about me. I'm 15, Male and from the UK. I have not come out to anybody (as bisexual). Okay so there is this guy that I became best friends with pretty much at the start of secondary school, so we've been bestfriends for nearly 4 years. About 1 1/2 years ago, I started getting feelings for him, these came when our school started with big changes, and i started my GCSE options, this meant I would only be in one lesson with him, and this really upset me. From then on I have always been worried that i would lose him, and that thought really upset me. As time went on I came to terms with the fact I liked him. After about 6 months, I thought i would try and distance myself from him as my feelings for him were getting really strong. And i felt like i was trying more to be friends than him, it worked, i still liked him a lot, but I could integrate it as part of my life, then this leads up to the past few weeks, he started spending more time with me at school, we became close again, then in the past week or so, he's been messaging me on facebook most days, and we spent some time together, it kind of seems like he is trying to make something. But this has brought all these feelings back with it, i cannot stop thinking about him, about what it would be like to be together, part of me really wants to, and a small part of me thinks it would cause too much hurt. But this is what makes me think he might like me: After school I will be sat with my friends and when his bus comes, he wont have spoken to me but will come up behind be and give me a (behind) hug, and sometimes he kissed me on the head. Because im infront of my friends i shrug it off as if it was weird, but inside i have butterflies and go crazy. At a party we were all drunk, and we played spin the bottle (with girls) and he kept wanting it to land on me and him and saying that, we did kiss when we had too i loved it so much but made out i didn't. He says things like when he was having trouble with his girlfriend like "it might be easier to be gey" and little things like this, but when i confronted him one time that he thought he was gay (the day before 'the world was going to end' [21/12/12] a group of friends had an honesty session), he paused then got really defensive and turned the same thing on me. The other day we went out and we were walking and this guy walked past, then he looked at me and said that guy had perfect eyes, they were amazing and then said oh no not in a gay way, but our eyes locked for like 10 seconds. We sometimes make eye contact, it's like he is trying to tell me something? But yeah, sorry for the really really long post im just so confused, any advice on what i should do and whether you think he might be attracted to me would be great! thanks people! :3
It sounds to me that he's possibly into you. Straight guys don't kiss their mates, at least that I know of. He is probably trying to explore the possibility of his homosexuality without actually committing himself to it, thus all of his suggestive behavior. Does he know that you're interested at all? I'd suggest playing his own tricks back on him. If it's OK for him to kiss on you and hug you then you should be able to get away with reciprocating. If he is in fact romantically attracted to you, I imagine that it will escalate from there. Good luck to you!
I entirely agree with what Uchiha said- I think, at this stage, it's too early to know- but it's also too early to deny that he may be gay. If he is a perceptive person then you could play the same tricks on him- but above all you must allow him to come to you first and foremost. I had a best friend like this (I wrote a story about it in a different thread)... I was so...so sure that those looks, those gestures, those messages meant something... But they didn't. Usually, 9/10 these things don't turn out as you wish them to... If he says that he is not gay then you must take his word for it and leave it at that. Take it from me, a person who was in the exact same situation- and went through with the entire experience until the very end- it's not worth it. He must come to you- but you must do things as to not shut any door entirely. When my friend denied me, it broke my heart and made me question everything. It's difficult in a way to really care about someone when you are aware that they only care for you "up to an extent" and it really does make future encounters, future texting and talking painful. My friend and I occasionally do talk, and when we do, we fall back into how it was before I told him that I liked it- and I love it. But then, I am reminded that it all essentially means nothing- that he really does just see me as a friend- and then it hurts. It hurts and it hurts when you realize he isn't going to be coming around for you. It isn't always as this pessimistic, and sometimes if you're a strong peson you can just get over it simply. But for now, enjoy the fact that he is apparently reciprocating, and try, just try a bit to wash your feelings away. Things like this usually hurt both parties- it hurts you, knowing that he doesn't feel the same way that you do, and it may potentially hurt him- with the sneaking suspicion that you were only ever his friend because you liked him and you were trying to get something from him... When I did tell my friend I liked him however, I felt one of two things: 1) a heavy, heavy frustrating burden was lifted off my shoulders- I was in a way, free and free to move on, no longer being mislead 2) emptiness; the reality of what his rejection meant dawned upon me- and what was once a very caring and close relationship is almost strained and pained on both sides by an unrelenting, unforgiving truth. That he didn't like me. And that I liked him. You try to move youself pass this thing, and you try to move on, but it keeps hurting when you see a message from him, and in your mind plays your voice that tells you to distance yourself from his reaching out... I hope your story turns out better, and I hope, for your sake that he is just gay and that he is curious. But take it from me- don't put your heart into this. The risk, the hurt, the everything... it isn't worth it- and you find yourself always falling into the same patterns: when you're with him, you're over the moon- but when you're not and when he doesn't reciprocate, you are crushed and you search for a reason to be over the moon oncemore.
This is deep, and very well thought out. I can really tell this guy has experienced heartbreak. Whatever you do, please guard your heart. At this point it seems like you're on a precipice. You can choose to take the plunge and fall further into love, an option that is immediately satisfying and full of addicting passion. Or you can slowly, and most painfully, make your way down from that cliff, saving yourself the anguish should he not reciprocate. This is a tough situation. If I was in your shoes I'd detach myself emotionally while discovering more about his sexuality. Keep us posted!
Firstly, I would like to say thank you for the really good advice, this has really given me insight into this situation, this is really valuable. Mystory i am sorry for what happened in your situation, it sounded really hurtful and i imagine you must be a very strong person to cope with that, but thank you for sharing that with me, to help me, i'm very grateful. But with the advice you have given me i think i will metaphorically stand taller, i won't drop everything to spend time with him, if i find the courage i may reciprocate, but most importantly i'm not going to let him take over my life, and try to distance myself from him. I have never really thought about telling him i'm bisexual, I've never really thought of telling anyone, i guess this maybe because i have not fully accepted myself yet? i don't know if anyone has felt that before? In a month there is a party, well more of a get together of about 7 of us, we will be drinking, is it a good idea to tell him when i'm 'drunk' so that if he reacts to it badly, the next day i can say i don't remember it? Anyway he spoke to me again yesterday and it was really weird, he really seemed to be trying to just talk to me, and really poor attempts at small talk, i did not know how to read this? or am i just reading more into it then what it actually is? But thanks again for reading, and if you do want to hear it i will keep you updated :3
Yes! Please keep us updated! I want to hear a good ending (hopefully!!) as for telling someone that you're bisexual- I sort of did feel the same thing. I am still unable to identify myself as being "gay"- I mean, I'm sure that I am "gay" but just saying it, the label of it (like the label of bisexual) sounds wrong on me in a sense. A way to avoid that is to de-emphasise, I guess, the label, and perhaps come out in a way such as saying that you feel like you could "go either way"... say it in a way that is clear upon your orientation, but perhaps avoids the label if it makes you feel uncomfortable, and if above all, you think it will make your friend feel uncomfortable. It works sort of like a euphemism- using a "nicer" saying to suggest something blunt. As for your "drunk" thing... well, in the event that he does react badly from it, from what you have been saying, he seems to nonetheless really enjoy having you as a friend. That said, he could possibly deny and suppress the night and attribute it to drunkeness just to keep you as a friend if you being gay is some how unconscionable. TO be frank however, I'm more so worried about its effects upon you. I think that it will feel rather frustrating and that it will feel hopeless in a way- but remember this, if you two are really strong friends, he will accept you for whoever you are, regardless of your orientation. And from the sounds of things, you two sound like you are very close with each other already... so maybe being drunk isn't even needed? Nevertheless, it does sound like a good fall-back plan. And finally, as for the small talk... Look, maybe I am not the best person for this- seeing as how pessimistic my outlook is, but from my personal experience... it could be just you overinterpreting, and on his part, his simple desire to really maintain conversation and chit-chat with you... Usually when you really enjoy someone's company (and it is possible, entirely within the realms of platonic friendship), you try to maintain that link just because it provides you with a sense of companionship, and they feel comfortable enough around you to chatter etc. I could be wrong however, and it could potentially be something deeper which is pushing him to reaffirm and converse with you. And eh, I think that I've really killed off the affection that I had for him after constantly reminding myself here and there... our conversations flow a little less painfully now haha- and it does feel like more of a friendship thing now that I look at it from the perspective of a friend. Thinking back, there really was no indicator of affection on his side- and it takes the removal of oneself from the distortion of "love" to realise that.
Thank you for your fantastic advice once again, i am so happy that you found this post! and i will keep you updated then! :3 The whole paragraph about labeling is exactly what i have been feeling i just didn't know how to put it into words, you did however But that idea of saying that "i go both ways" really to me puts it into perspective, and i am comfortable with that, i think that if i told him that it might hint that i like him, without telling him and maybe he could make a decision from there? The small talk, the reason i spoke about that is that he never, like ever, used to speak to my by facebook/text, but in the past week and a half its been everyday, and he has been sending picture to me by snapchat, although the stuff he is saying is light hearted and doesn't suggest anything, he is always posing and trying to look his best, i don't know if this is him trying to make himself look more desirable? (it works), but then i reply with a gormless face, because i cant take photos of myself and feel silly if i do. But like you and your friend seem to be doing, if it did all blow up in my face, i think we could work through it. A couple of things i forgot to mention in the original post is that once we were walking there were about 4 of us, and we were talking about the stat that most teenage boys despite there orientation, have a 'crush' on another boy, he told me previously that he did, and then infront of everyone he said "i want Adam to have his, because it will be me", does this mean anything? And once in lesson he said to me, can i tell you something, obviously i said yes, then he said that he was gay, i kind of stared at him (i was not aware of my orientation then, or my liking for him) then there was a few minutes pause with spoke briefly of it, then he said no im not really it was a joke, he did this a few times but this one i did not look like he was lieing. Anyway thanks again for reading my essay, it means a lot
As a general rule of thumb- whenever someone does something infront of a crowd or a group of people- I would say disregard it- it is only a moment of jest and fun for laughs. In general, people wouldn't normally spill their most intimate desires out in a general crowd where it might be picked up upon and dissected by other observers... that said, the fact that your friend went up to you in private, and has "confessed" to being gay in private more than a couple of times- that, I would say is definitely interesting and may be something to pay keep at the very back of your mind. I say this because straight people, in this hetero-normative society of ours, can be very deceiving and even sexually comfortable because it is assumed by default that everyone is straight... I have to be honest though, your reaction to this apparent confession may infact make it harder for him to come out to you in the future(if he does), because it now appears like you are the one who is potentially homophobic or straight. I know that I keep stressing caution, but these things, particularly if the guy is straight- AND he is your best friend- it is hard to tell. Best friends already innately share a connection, a very intimate one at that where you know the ins and outs of each other- and you both feel like you can tell each other anything. At least that was how it was with my friend- and if you do a search on this forum, you can find some very interesting threads from the other perspective where the person has this strong desire to hang out with the friend despite having no sexual attraction. That said, I'm not telling you to deny what seems to be a potential attraction (I say this because he has said, as you said, that he is "gay" on numerous occasions- to all of which you have shown a cold manner of indifference or "weirded-outness"- straight people do not tell their best friends in private that they are gay- at least they usually don't) I think you should return these little hints, maybe a wink or two, play it subtly... but I don't want you to put your heart out onto this only to be bitterly hurt and disappointed- because from personal experience- it will and does hurt if you read too much into something that could be just some jesting... And you're not writing essays- haha thanks for reading *my* essays though. I'm really really interested to see if he does in fact have feelings for you and is gay- cause I can tell you now, such occurences, judging from the number of threads on this forum, are very rare, and chances are very slim
