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Woods Incident=why I build walls around me?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by BMC77, Apr 5, 2013.

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  1. BMC77

    BMC77
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    For some reason, I've been thinking about an incident involving a childhood friend the last few days. And this has raised some questions--some relevant to my life today, and others are just curiosity.

    Cliff's Notes of a long story: he was my longest lasting friend in elementary school. But it was not an idyllic friendship. One strong memory: he always seemed to dictate what we'd do. I have a strong sense that he was the one in 100% control. I think there may have been a slight fear of him at times. And that fear might not have been totally misplaced. A lot of details are lost in memory, but one incident does stand out.

    One day, we were walking through some woods. He knew them very well. That day was the first I set foot in them.

    At some point, well into the woods, we stopped. And basically he said the obvious: I had no way of getting out on my own. (Maybe not entirely true, but I sure believed it. I was a pretty imaginative kid, and being lost in the woods forever was something I could easily imagine.) Then, he told me that the only way I'd ever get out was if I proved I was a boy. There was not time to obtain a copy of my birth certificate, so I was forced to pull my penis out. I was so embarrassed I could only pull it part way. At least, he was satisfied, and showed me to civilization.

    And the friendship died not long after. I'm not sure the woods incident was to blame, but I have to think it played a part in the friendship getting killed.

    Now for the questions. On a curiosity level, I'm wondering if anyone ever had an experience like the one I had. I also wonder how far people think my "friend" stepped over the line. (I once told this story to a counselor, and he went through the roof.)

    On a practical level, I wonder...does this "friend" and this experience help explain why I tend to build walls around myself? I'm told I'm very hard to get to know in real life. (This is a concern, because I'm trying to work to be more open. Letting some friendships develop over 5 years can work, but I don't see that being practical with romantic relationships.)
     
    #1 BMC77, Apr 5, 2013
  2. lionel

    lionel
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    Sure I remember show me yours and I'll show you mine. Played lots of times before age 13
     
    #2 lionel, Apr 5, 2013
  3. Convoy

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    Was there a noticeable age gap here where power was exploited, or was it simply a power thing? This seems a bit controlling the way you describe it and you may have felt imposed because of his 'power' over you for a lack of a better way to describe it.

    You might just be over-thinking this because of your sexual orientation, doubting the validity of 'exploring' between males which is common yet most males remain heterosexual despite these moments of contact during youth.

    Regardless I was sexually abused/molested/raped in my youth and it did have a long term effect on myself. I don't know what exactly, but I'm sure it has substantially effected myself and my interactions/personality. This doesn't strike me as overly abusive, however it may have made you feel uncomfortable and doubt yourself and your sexuality (Which can be confusing in it's self).

    You could be afraid of being controlled again, however there is really nothing you can do if a partner decides to be manipulative in the future other than confrontation/or ending the relationship. It's difficult to take down walls, but make a consensus effort and they will come down eventually.
     
    #3 Convoy, Apr 5, 2013
  4. GayLibertarian

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    Yeah, as lionel said, the show me your and I'll show you mine happened a few times, mostly with two friends, one who lives in a glass closet and the other, well, I have my suspicions. We were really young kids at the times we did that, but I still remember them as clear as day.

    Your friend totally stepped over the line though. Although as kids we tend not to understand the sexual aspects of our lives, and that kid was either confused on sexual matters, gay, or just an asshole. That relationship crashing was probably the best for you, and I just would say continue trying to be more open. In fact, i've been doing the same thing (albeit for completely different reasons).

    I recommend just focusing on opening yourself up to the world, and if it keeps coming up in your mind, vent to someone you can trust. I've had pretty good success with counseling (although that was with my dad's death, not my sexuality), so if it gets bad, try that out. Hope at least some of this helps...
     
    #4 GayLibertarian, Apr 5, 2013
  5. Chip

    Chip
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    Childhood abuse is primarily about power and control. Add to that the shame/discomfort that people almost inherently have about exposing their private parts and it's pretty clear that this situation was designed to exert power and to humiliate, and very different than "you show me yours, I'll show you mine." So in that way, it was abusive, in that you did not have control, and you clearly felt powerless and humiliated. And, therefore, pretty far over the line.

    In her research on shame, Brené Brown found that many people have an experience -- sometimes many experiences, but often just a single powerful one, as this one was -- that they can point to that made an extremely strong impact on them in creating shame, and damaging the abillity to connect to others. So I think what you're describing could absolutely have that influence on you.

    That said, it's also little surprising that the counselor would "hit the roof" about something like this, as a good therapist should be able to empathize without showing emotion. Reason for that is... the emotion can, itself, be a judgment and particularly in the client-therapist environment, cause you to have a judgment about the experience. In other words, unintentionally further amplifying your own shame about the experience, even while attempting to empathize with it.

    Working to let yourself be more open is really important... and as you probably know, not the easiest. If you haven't already checked out Dr. Brown's TED talks on Youtube (The Power of Vulnerability, The Price of Invulnerability, Listening to Shame), I strongly recommend them, as well as her books "Gifts of Imperfection" and "Daring Greatly." Those resources will really help you in understanding what it is that keeps you from opening up, and learning ways to be better able to be authentic and open more easily.
     
    #5 Chip, Apr 5, 2013
  6. BMC77

    BMC77
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    Thanks for the answers so far!

    A few clarifications: I know it's not uncommon to play "Shoe Me Yours, and I'll Show You Mine." What I experienced was, of course, different. The name might be "Show Me Yours, or Else!"

    The friend was roughly my age. I think actually he might have been younger than me. But we were the same grade.

    I probably worded one thing too strongly: the counselor didn't quite go through the roof, but he did make it very clear that a line was crossed that shouldn't have been. And he was lot more outspoken than he was on a number of issues.

    Yes, I know that opening myself up is not the easiest thing!
     
    #6 BMC77, Apr 5, 2013
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