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My best friends brother

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by MichaelB, Apr 6, 2013.

  1. MichaelB

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    Hey EC, was hoping I could have some help with an awkward situation.

    So on Thursday I went out drinking with my best friend, but our friend group has suddenly disintegrated leaving pretty much just us two. Since we didn't want it to be a boring night, we decided to meet up with her older brother and some of his friends.

    Long story short, I think (98% sure) I got with her older brother that night, and I'm pretty sure he initiated it. I don't remember it fondly either; I seem to remember him crying, pulling away and getting rather angry. And the taxi ride home was just pure awkward, he absolutely refused to acknowledge my existence. Now I'm wondering what to do;

    Firstly, the main problem I'm seeing is I broke the friend code, ergo don't get with your friends siblings. Let alone 'straight' siblings. I do honestly see my friend being rather angry about the incident. On top of that... I got with her cousin a few months ago. Who's also 'straight', and has a girlfriend (which I didn't know about), and she found out about that and was pretty angry at me. :/. So to me, this is a huge problem and without being dramatic I'm not sure our friendship could survive another huge falling out (and let's be honest, I can just tell she'd be like 'YOU TURNED MY BROTHER GAY' which will of course lead to another huge falling out lol)

    Secondly, him. I don't know why but I can't stop thinking about him. It's not like he's the first person I've ever got with, and ironically I used to consider his brother the best looking male of his family. So there's been no previous attraction what so ever.

    But I can actually see me in a relationship with him. Not only can I see it, I actually *want* it. I usually NEVER ever see me being with anyone, let alone wanting it (I kinda just thought it would happen one day, lol). But of course, it comes with a shit load of drama attached. And I wouldn't even know how to approach him about the whole thing. I would say we were friendly-ish, but we definitely never go out of our way to talk. It's the typical friends brother/sisters friend relationship; we're nice to each other, we talk when we see each other but we never initiate it.

    On top of that, for the most part I 100% thought he was straight. He had a girlfriend for 6 years, he's never inferred even the slightest that he was gay/bi or what ever. So I'm also doubting he's even gay/bi, and was simply very drunk. :/ (Although, my friend says he does talk about me alot. Asks loads of questions about my sexuality, asks if I'm gunna be out in town, what uni I'm going too etc which I always thought was a little weird >.>)

    So how would I go about the situation? I'm mostly wondering:

    - Should I tell my friend? We have a very honest relationship, and I feel shitty for not telling her. Really shitty. But if I tell her, it means possibly outing her brother before he's ready.

    - I'm also very aware that I look like a very shit friend. First her cousin and now her brother. So I'm genuinely worried that this is one step too far and she's gunna want nothing to do with me, and honestly I wouldn't blame her :/. So these two points make me feel like a hypocrite; I'm the one spoiling our very honest friendship because I'm an awful drunk :/ (I didn't tell her about the cousin incident yet she found out...)

    - Should I try and talk to him? How would I go about it? Every conversation starter I can think of is just awkward and thinly veiled intentions; if I start the conversation, it'll be obvious at what I'm gunna lead too...

    - Is this a pointless endeavor? I'm very much a person that tries to re-frame from emotionally engaging, and I feel like I've already done that (over something probably very stupid and insignificant). My brain tells me that this is a 100% no go situation (best friend brother, closet case (or maybe not even gay/bi at all), abit older (I'm 18 and he's 23, nearly finished with uni where as I'm just about to start). Plenty of reasons as to why it will never happen, and very little reason to hope otherwise. So it's pointless yeah? :/

    Cheers for any help guys :slight_smile:
     
    #1 MichaelB, Apr 6, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2013
  2. falsereading

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    Ouch, difficult one.

    Some say honesty is the best policy but what are the chances of her brother telling her? Very minimal I expect if he is in the closet/straight.

    When you say pretty angry the last time with her couisin are you talking one more chance angry or just a good telling off...
     
  3. Dublin Boy

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    Was it just a kiss?
     
  4. MichaelB

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    Hmm. Well I don't really know myself truthfully.

    I think she was so angry for two reasons; he had a girlfriend, and I didn't tell her. This guy doesn't have a girlfriend, so that's why I'm debating about telling her or not. But then I don't wanna cause drama for him.

    But the actual falling out was pretty bad. We didn't talk for a while, and we've only recently (last few weeks) started talking again... so... >.>

    Yes, it was. :slight_smile:
     
  5. AKTodd

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    Boiling this down, it sounds like you need to consider the two main issues of:

    a) Not outing him (whether he's closted, questioning, bi-curious, whatever)

    b) Being honest with your friend, preferably in a fashion that maintains the friendship

    Assuming that (a) is the higher priority then you need to have a talk with him before you talk to your friend. He's probably in some mix of terrified/embarrassed/disgusted/wanting to do it again/wondering why the hell he did it in the first place right now so this isn't necessarily going to be easy. But it probably has to be done.

    From an initiating the conversation pov, I'd say the direct approach "Hey, I think we need to talk" is probably the best one followed by assuring him you're not going to tell anyone else or out him, that you won't speak of it again if he doesn't want to, but if he ever wants to talk you're happy to listen and provide support. You do this in private, of course. Some of it you might be able to do via text (at least initially), but I leave that as a decision for you to make (I almost never text and don't know the etiquette).

    If he does want to talk, one of the things that needs to be discussed is your friend and your desire not to lie or hide the truth from her. But you need to assure him, you won't out him above all else or tell her (really, this isn't any of her business, it's his sexuality).

    If/when he decides to come out to her (assuming that eventually happens) then he should intervene if she turns on you for not telling her. Not sure you can get that sort of commitment from him, or if he's even going to want to talk to you, but there it is.

    If he doesn't want to talk or doesn't want you to tell her, then you need to keep it quiet. If she finds out and is mad, that is very unfortunate, but you would then need to explain to her that it is not your place to out her brother.

    Oh, and if he should try to do any more with you while remaining closeted, you really need to resist that. Be a friend and someone to talk to. Being his secret lover/FWB is just going to lead to disaster for one or both of you in this situation. If he ultimately comes out and then wants things to go beyond the just friends stage with you, then see how you feel about him and the situation then and move forward in the way that feels right to you.

    My 2c worth,

    Todd
     
  6. MichaelB

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    I think this is a problem for me. From a purely selfish point of view, I can't determine whether it is more important or not. Like I said, I think a huge part of her anger stemmed from me not telling her about me and her cousin. From past experiences, it's made me feel like I HAVE to tell her even more.

    But then the more moderate and selfless part of me comes into play; it would be incredibly dickish of me to out him, and to his sister no less. So I definitely feel like I'm stuck inbetween a rock and a hard place; tell my friend, not lose her but out him. Or not tell her, and have her find out some other way (she has a knack of finding out everything ngl. I still don't know how she found out about me and her cousin, haha) and face the consequences (possibly losing her, and I'm not in a situation that's viable to lose any more friends. D: )

    Yeah, I thought that too. But I don't know, I guess it's just weird. We never go out of our way to talk, but when we do talk we get on really well.

    I guess I just thought it was socially weird to randomly be like 'hey!', especially after what happened. But then again, it's a weird situation so I guess the only approach to have is, in its nature, to be out of the ordinary? :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:


    Yeah, I think you're right. I mean, if someone asked me to advise them on an identical situation as this, I would say the same thing. Stay away from closeted guys, drama and all the other malarky that comes with it. It's just so much harder when it's happening to you! ._. haha.

    Thank you for your help though, really is much appreciated :slight_smile:.


    I think my plan of action is -

    1) Not tell her and try to risk it. If she finds out, simply tell her what I said on here that I felt trapped between being a shitty friend or a shitty human being

    2) Approach him and ask if he's alright/what happened etc, and try and offer support. I think the thing that shocked me the most was, I really remember him crying. So I definitely think I'm gunna go the support route. (Although again, is socially that weird? Offering support to someone you never normally would? Plus he's a fairly typical macho bloke; I can tell he's gunna be like 'that's so gay' if I say something like 'well, here if you need to talk' ._. haha)
     
    #6 MichaelB, Apr 7, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2013
  7. MichaelB

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    I messaged him on facebook saying shit along the lines of 'yo, just wanted to make sure you're alright after the other night. You seemed upset, is there anything I can help you with?' - trying to be discreet and stuff.

    And then my best friend texted me today. She basically said I need to stop harassing her brother. She said he told her that I tried to get with him, he rejected me and then I got angry. When I said it didn't happen like that, she said I had form and then said 'I need to accept that not everyone is gay' - she also mentioned her cousin and how I tried to turn him gay. :frowning2:

    Not gunna lie, pretty angry. It's one thing to deny it happening/change the circumstances, I might've understood that. But why exactly did he tell her, and lie to make me look like an ass? There's fuck all point in that. :angry:

    Edit:

    Plus this is going to make everything SO much more awkward, for all parties.

    When ever I see him, it's going to be awkward. When ever I see her, it's going to be awkward. When ever they see me, it's going to be awkward. Why the fuck has he chosen the most awkward route? He could've told me, and me alone, to back off and I probably would've understood (probably would've been a little pissed, but certainly more understanding than this).

    There was just fuck all reason to involve her! And once again it looks like I'm keeping secrets from her! Ughhhh
     
    #7 MichaelB, Apr 8, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2013
  8. AKTodd

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    Not to be harsh, but your friend sounds more than a bit ignorant. You don't 'turn' anyone gay and that she apparently keeps coming back to this point tells me she either doesn't know much about LGBT people (even though she knows you) or is choosing 'not to know' aka 'using this tactic as a way to shut down discussions or thoughts she doesn't want to have'.

    As to why her brother did what he did: He was probably afraid that you'd talk to her and wanted to get in with his version of events first. Given that she seems to be the sort of person who is 'fine with gays as long as it isn't anyone too close to her' (a sort of person I've both encountered before and seen accounts of several times on EC), he probably figured this would prevent you from outing him (his fear, not your actual course of action). Or she's of the 'blood relations mean that they always tell the truth' school of thought. Which just makes me laugh given my family.

    Frankly, I'd suggest both taking a break from their company and looking to expand your circle of friends to some other people who are both more mature and better educated.

    Todd
     
  9. MichaelB

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    I know, but usually she is incredibly supportive/not homophobic at all/has actually revealed that she considers herself bi-curious.

    I think she's just saying these things because it is a rather odd coincidence that in the space of 2 months, two male relatives have both done (public) gay things, but with the same guy. Although only kissing, I suppose I can sort of see her point... in a weird way... but I'm likely skewed by feeling guilty over the whole thing. :/

    But yeah, usually she's lovely and I think it's just circumstances that have made her say these things, and circumstances I caused so. :frowning2:

    I still don't agree with it though, and I'm shocked he's done it. I messaged him on Monday (? I think, my time judgement has turned awful lol), and the event occurred on Thursday. Does he not think, if I was going to tell her, I would've done it sooner? >_>

    Again, I'm trying to be open minded, and I suppose I can see why he did it in a very weird way. But there was no need. And he exaggerated it to make me look like an ass; she's acting like I tried to rape him or something, and it's just fueling the whole situation. :angry:

    Easier said than done :frowning2:. I don't come from a very large town, and in a non-hyperbolic way, I pretty much know everyone my age. I don't not get on with anyone, but my original group (which included her) was the only group I properly 'clicked' with. And they've slowly disbanded, and it's pretty much just me/her/one other girl/another bloke left.

    I'll try though; the fact that I pretty much know everyone my age means there must be SOME people that I'll get along with, right?! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:. But I think I'm gunna hold out for abit and see if she calms down first :/