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On the importance of friends

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by greatwhale, Apr 7, 2013.

  1. greatwhale

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    Greetings folks,

    After noticing several threads here at EC containing variations on not yet being in a relationship to match our new-found selves (after coming out), I felt it necessary to bring up the subject of friendship. The more I thought about it, the more it seems...interesting...from the standpoint of same-sex orientations.

    It has been recommended in the following excellent post that one should seek friendships first, instead of a "relationship" first, and I could not agree more:

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/famil...king-relationship-simpler-than-you-think.html

    But I would also add that having friends makes one rather attractive and therefore it may make it easier to find that one friendship that could lead to something more...

    To wit, I strongly believe that no one person can meet all of another's needs, it is just too much to lay on one person's shoulders. Our romantic culture promotes the fallacy that there is only "the one" for you. That may be true on certain important dimensions on the scale of needs, but definitely not with respect to the totality of what we need in terms of relationships.

    I find people with friends attractive simply because they have won friendships. In other words, their having friends validates and proves their attractiveness. Other people find this person worth being friends with, so I feel safer pursuing a friendship, or more, with that person.

    Another aspect of this is that a person with friends probably has diverse interests and is multi-dimensional, which is another trait I find attractive. This very multi-dimentionality must necessarily promote a diversity of friendships, or at least communities of interest.

    This is where I find friends among people with same-sex orientations interesting. In my case, my male friendships, with either gay or non-gay friends become rather frought with possibilities...and traps. I'd like to hear more about your opinions on this...
     
  2. BudderMC

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    I'm a pretty strong proponent for having a friendship with a person before a relationship, despite never having been in a relationship. I think it allows people to develop a connection beyond just romance, which really is the "difference" between a friendship and a relationship. It also allows for a smooth transition into a relationship since you already know all the ins and outs of the other person.

    I think a person with lots of friends would be... I don't know if "attractive" is the right word, but a good quality because it indicates to me they have more networks in place than just me if I'm their significant other. While relying on your SO for support and other things is totally fine, I'm of the belief that people should have more resources in place than just one person. A sort of "don't put all your eggs in one basket" deal.

    Having friends also (likely) says to me that you're willing to communicate, willing to both give and receive in a relationship, are confident of yourself and your traits (to some degree), are willing to put yourself out there and take risks, and know how to have fun.

    That's just my two cents, for now. In reading over this thread, I've realized that while I'm a proponent for friendships before relationships, I'm not entirely sure why.