I've got a housemate, R. About 2 years ago, he dated a girl J for about a month. When summer rolled around and everyone left school, she called him up to say she met someone (read: was already involved with someone else) else and didn't want to have a LDR, so she wanted to break up. He was pretty upset by this and didn't want anything to do with her. A few months ago, I guess they've been hanging out again (as friends) and he feels they've been getting to know each other. It seems as though he's been sleeping with her a couple of times too, because "she keeps making moves on him". He keeps asking me for advice on what to do because he doesn't think getting into a relationship with her before the summer again is a good idea, but he wants to stay friends. I told him I'm biased in what I'd be comfortable with in a relationship, but if the only difference between a friendship and a relationship is closeness and sex, you're already in a relationship, and if you're not comfortable with that you need to set boundaries on what is and isn't a relationship. He agrees that it's probably best that he doesn't sleep with her, but he evidently lacks the willpower to do so (as he keeps telling me). Anyways, he says these issues as if trying to not sleep with this girl is a major burden and that he's the only horndogged male on this goddamn planet. Am I in the wrong for not feeling sympathetic for his lack of willpower? It's almost to a point I don't actually want to listen to his problems or give him advice on it anymore. :dry:
You're probably right to give up on the advice, he isn't taking it anyway. Conflicted people are hard to like sometimes: one day it's this way and the next day it's the other, no matter what you say to him. It gets tiresome not to be listened to even though you were asked!
Agreed. In situations like that, I usually say, when the person asks me for advice, "I feel like we've been over this topic before, I've given you the best advice I have to offer, and it isn't working for you. So you would probably be best asking someone else for advice." And then stick to *your* guns and don't discuss it further. Clearly he has boundary problems and/or a wishy-washy sense of what he wants, but you can set clear boundaries so you don't get dragged into his drama. And she sounds like a piece of work as well.
Well, they're both very nice people. He's just perpetually lonely, so he has a habit of getting into bad relationships (or rather, they go badly because he gives faaaaaar more than his girlfriends do). After his last breakup though a few months ago, he realizes this now (we really sat him down and talked him through it). Sounds like it's time for me to plant my foot and hold it there, assuming he comes to me with more woes. Thanks guys.
First, I am NOT used to your new avie... Now, back on topic. Sounds like me and my friend, I offered advice and she ignored. She still dating her guy, but oh wells. You are not wrong at all.
I am in this exact same situation with one of my guy friends. He's having a secret thing with his closeted roommate, X, and constantly bitches about how the guy doesn't want to be in a relationship, that he only wants sex and even tells my friend to stop having feelings with him, yet my friend continues to have relations with the guy. Our conversations usually go like this: Friend: "I want a relationship and X just doesn't want to do that, so I'm like why bother you know?" Me: "So you're going to end the sexual arrangement?" Friend: "Yeah, I have to, it's just not going anywhere and I deserve better." Me: "Agreed. " Next day... Friend: "So X made me mad today. He came in the room and started feeling me up, flirting with me, telling me to give him head." Me: "And you refused?" Friend: "No, I did it and then we had sex. I'm just hurt because it's like he knows I want to be in a relationship, not just have sex, but whenever I bring it up he gets mad and brings up his girlfriend." Yup--girlfriend. :eusa_doh: Me: " :eusa_thin Perhaps you should stop having sex with him since it's hurting you that all he wants is sex. Time to move on." Friend: "Yeah, Imma have to. I shouldn't have to put up with this you know?" Me: "Agreed. " Next day... Friend: "X and I got into a fight last night. He was asking me where I was last night and when I told him I was with J, he acted all mad. I think he was jealous." Me: "So you two aren't talking?" Friend: "No, we made up. He apologized and I appreciated that. Then we had sex." Oh for fuck's sake mate...:rolle: Me: "So he has reconsidered being in a relationship with you?" Friend: "No, he left just a few minutes ago to be with his girlfriend and Imma let him know that hurt me. It's like how can you do that to me knowing I have feelings for you. I think I deserve better, you know?" Me: "...:dry:...Sure." For hours he goes on like this about the same boy and the same situation. I feel physically tired talking to him about this again and again, it's exhausting. Isn't there some kind of saying about insanity being doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? Well, I don't know if this makes him a nutter, but he's driving me up the fucking wall. I sigh heavily when I see his name flash on my phone screen. Sometimes I don't even answer the phone. I feel like a dick for ignoring him, but every time I think "okay, it'll be nice to catch up. Surely he's got other stuff going on by now," he proves me wrong. It's always the same shite. He goes on about this problem as if he's so powerless against it when really it's a problem that he's creating for himself. He's in charge of this issue, an issue mind you with the simplest solution (keep your fucking knickers on!) and allows it to continue. So even if it makes me come off like an asshole, I can no longer gather enough fucks to listen to him about it anymore. I'm all outta fucks. :eusa_snoo
You have displayed so much sympathy already to your male house mate, and I think some people in life, no matter how fantastic the advice is that they receive; they just like to live their lives aimlessly. :lol: You are are great person to be helping him out, by listening to him and supporting him as a great friend does. I think as long as you maintain a balance with how much you want to commit yourself, as far as being a sounding board for him and a guider for him; then you won't become unduly frustrated. ---------- Post added 8th Apr 2013 at 02:32 PM ---------- Everything Chip stated above, sums it up to a tee.
For what it's worth, I'm not used to it either. I might need to change it to something else - it doesn't seem fitting. :lol: Amen. I think this is a really good point too; I need to be less concerned about his problems... they aren't my problems, after all.
Yeah. And another thing I will add too...does he help you out in the same way, with listening to you, and advising you, and is he always there when you need him to be? I mean, there a lot of people who are masters of taking, but never give back; sometimes without you even realizing it. There is more happiness in giving, than there is in receiving anyway; but my point is...does he appreciate you for your friendship, or are you just a means to an end to him?
Well considering that you say your friend is "perpetually lonely" and puts more into his relationships, he seems like he may have some self-esteem issues. If that's the case, he may not want to let go of the companionship he has with this girl, although he doesn't want a relationship, and feels like having sex with her will keep her around. Or.... He could just be a :***: that complains about being forced to have consensual sex..:lol:
