My son is 14, almost 15. He came out about a year ago. I have a gay aunt, gay brother, another gay son and a gay brother in law. No big deal to me. My sons father and I were never married. He was born out of wedlock and we have a visitation schedule we follow with me being the primary, residential parent. Anyway, his father is angry, embarrassed, disappointed and in denial. I had to call him this morning because our son was doing things on the internet I didn't approve of and I needed his dads help in monitoring him while over at his house. His father took the opportunity to tell me our sons sexual preference is MY fault, I encouraged him to be gay, he's going to Hell because the bible says so, and hold on to your hat, "being gay is a choice. Murderers have urges. Whether they act on those urges and choose to hurt someone is a choice. Our son has a choice to act on his urges or not act on them". I lost it. I regret losing it. I couldn't help it. Or I just wasn't strong enough to not scream and yell at him. Now I've probably made everything worse. And I still have to let my son go to his house this weekend. I got his dad riled up and he has to deal with it. But, what am I supposed to do? He's shoving the bible at my son everytime he's over there. He's telling him he's going to Hell, he's telling him he's not really gay. My son comes home crying on my shoulder because of all the things his dad has said to him. All I can do or all I try to do is counter balance his dads words with love and acceptance. But, this has to go on another 3 years? How can we make it through this?? Anyone else have an experience similar to this? My son cannot get away from the damage his dad is inflicting on him because the court demands I stick to the visitation schedule. Anybody?
Welcome to EC! A few thoughts. First off, I'm assuming there's somebody in charge of your visitation rights and what not. Have you brought this up to them? Secondly, you'll have to prepare your son for what he's walking into. Tell him you'd love to have him skip the visitation, but right now, he's going to have to stick with it. He has several options open to him when his dad starts the "you're going to hell for being gay" talk. He can try to talk sense to him, he can argue with him, he can clam up. My hunch is he might do better to simply not engage his father with him. If he simply says "OK, got it" to everything he says, his father won't have anything to respond to. "You can't be gay. You have to be straight." "OK." "Tell me you're not gay." "OK, I'm not gay." He can simply tell your father precisely what he wants to hear while he's there...and then come back and live his life openly when he gets home to you. I don't think this is an ideal solution, but then again, we're not looking at an ideal situation. His father has a hold of a bit of truth there. Your son may be gay, but he doesn't have to "live gay". But being gay isn't like being a murderer. It's like being left-handed. We can force left-handers to use their right hand, but y'know, why? Whatever goes down, definitely feel free to use us as a support network anytime you need it. Lex
Thank you. I've decided to hook my son up with a gay or gay friendly pastor or church mentor. It would be good for him to experience another point of view. I am also going to enroll him in therapy. He needs a neutral party in which he can communicate openly. As far as dealing with his dad, we will take it one day at a time and learn along the way. I will NEVER let his dad bring me down to his level like I did today. I want to be part of the answer, not part of the problem. I have to set aside my emotions and what I want to do or say and do what's right for my son. Maybe, just maybe, somewhere along the way, his father will educate himself and understand Max a little better. I'll never understand him fully because I'm not gay. I can only support and that's exactly what I intend to do! Thank you so much!
Lexington's advice like, usual, is very good. I would echo what Lexington said: it's worth looking into the question of revising the visitation if it's at all possible. I don't know if this can happen, but if you get your son into therapy, the therapist might be able to help by writing a letter to the court on the topic psychological abuse. As I say, this outside my range of knowledge (and laws would vary place to place, anyway), but it's something to consider. I also like the idea of getting your son with a gay friendly minister or mentor for another point of view. Finally, you might direct your son to this site. If I had a gay teenager in my family, I'd feel comfortable sending him or her here.
What BMC77 said is a good piece of advice. He could tell us how he's feeling and we would understand him. Or maybe he could talk to some of your gay relatives? Would that work? Also, Lexington's advice is, again, great. I hope this situation gets better! :goodluck:
I would definitely second the advice to look into whether the visitation can be changed. If your son is willing to say that he doesn't want to see his Dad, that would count for a lot. Courts usually take into account what kids' expressed wishes are, especially with a teenager.
One other point worth considering: is your son's dad at all physically abusive? If that happens, that could carry a lot of weight with the court.
Wow. I've never used a forum before. This is ridiculously helpful! I can't thank you enough. I have contacted my attorney. She says I need to log everything. She said psychological abuse is difficult to prove, but possible. We can curb the visitations or even eliminate them if it becomes necessary. He's never been physically violent and I don't think he ever would. I have brought in the troops...all gay fam members have messaged Max (that's his name-o) with words of encouragement. And, I have talked to Max about Lexington's advice concerning what to do during one of his dads rants. Last but not least, I'm going to refer him to this website and let him know, from my experience, you're all a buncha sweeties who genuinely care. If you go back and read my first post, you can tell I was a mess. Everything was all jumbled up in my head and I felt helpless to help Max. You people came on here with clear heads and calmed me right down. And..gave me some really great ideas. Really appreciate that.
I'm glad you found this website, and we're all glad we can help you. Introducing Max to this site would be an awesome idea, and it would be great to talk to him up front. For the time being, I hope thinks go well!
I will just throw my hat in with everything that's been said here as fantastic advice, and if your son is willing to come here, EC is wonderful.
And another thing to add is that you are a TOTALLY awesome mom! Going such lengths to help your son is just amazing! Just continue to shower your son with love and encouragement-- I'm sure he has a heart as strong as yours, it's just being stifled by his dad's verbal assaults. Please tell us when this mess gets cleaned up, m'kay? ^^
I am sure Max would fit right in here and if he has any issues then he sure could find help here =]. i have only found reasureing and helpful words on this site and i try my best to be as helpful as possable myself. =] Luke. =]
Wow, you're a super cool mom, yer kids are lucky. This may seem obvious, but if he's the father out of wedlock then it doesn't seem like he has too much of a position to do that "holier than thou" crap. I guess it's not a good idea to bring up now while your son has to stay with him for visitation, but I'd bring it up in the future. (I'm not condemning extramarital sex, far far from it, just the hypocrisy of demanding people live by his values when he doesn't even follow them.)
Fairlyfey....that's exactly one of the things I pointed out to him. He said it's ok because he's found God. Sigh. We are not dealing with a rational person at all. That's why it's so frustrating. But, interesting how you picked up on that one.
Wow, you are the most awesome mom ever! Lex's advice rings true - I just wish I would have had it during some difficult times with my Dad - "yep, you're right. Being gay is wrong, so I must not be" The problem is that thoughts like that were something that I actually believed up til very recently, which led me to being closeted for 34 years. But it seems that your son has moved WAY beyond that stage, and has an awesome mom. Maybe at some future point his dad could be enlightened, but until that time comes, he's got you, and hopefully the visitation can be adjusted. Him crying on your shoulder every Sunday night (or whenever he comes home) just doesn't sound like a good situation. Hopefully the therapist can help, mine has helped me tremendously with my issues.
I don't have much to add to the very good advice you already got. I just wanted to let you know you're an awesome mom and that your sons are very lucky to have you on their side. Take care, all of you (*hug*) Cécile
