Um, so I saw this cute nice (but a little crazy) guy today and went to his house, I won't be able to see him again (but that's another story I might have to cry about later), but he's done drag before so we had some fun putting make-up, eyeshadow, eyeliner, lipstick, and wigs on...we had a lot of fun dressing up and complimenting each other on what beautiful women we were lol. I have very few activities in my life that get me out of my seemingly permanent depression, but I actually was having a good time, I felt like I was actually being comfortable with being a proud gay boy for once instead of a messed-up closet case; it was sunny out, I thought it would be a nice day for once. Now I got home, my parents were home, I had used makeup remover and washed my face and got most of the stuff off, but just a little eyeliner was left that wouldn't come off. I thought it wouldn't be a big deal. But it was, my parents and I had an epic fight about it. My mother was all crying as if I had beaten her or something; I told her that she wears eyeliner, so what, and she's like "but you're a man" and "if you wanna go act like some freak in The Village, you better get the hell out of my house!" My stepfather was like "if you're a homosexual, that's fine, I don't care if you're into boys, girls, cats, cows, but not while you're living in my house." (And btw I HATE HATE HATE the word "homosexual", it just makes me feel so inferior and awful, I'd rather be called a faggot than a "homosexual".) Now I'm really beginning to hate these people, I thought I loved them, but I just can't handle being torn down and hurt by them day after day after day. I just don't even feel they love me, certainly not for who I am, as opposed to what they want me to be. I hate living with them, I want to move the hell out of here, but I can't cause I still haven't found a job or figured out what I want to do with my life, though I've been finally making progress with my therapist on moving forward, but that's another story. But I can't motivate myself to find a job, overcome external obstacles like interviews and stuff until I can overcome my internal obstacles of social anxiety and depression. I feel like I'm just trapped in this vicious cycle that's not going to end well. I tried taking Zoloft again for depression, but all it did was make me feel sick and increase suicidal thoughts and yet I'm still having them. :help: I'm 22 years old, all through my teenage years I tried to be who my parents wanted me to be and was a depressed and miserable loser, and yet even at this advanced age I still don't feel like I ever will be able to be who I am...:icon_sad: And now I'm in my room crying, all alone, the eyeliner now mixed with my tears, and it burns....and the this whole state of existence for me right now really burns, right through to my heart. :tears: ---------- Post added 10th Apr 2013 at 08:26 PM ---------- Um, hey if a mod sees this, could you please move this thread to the Family, Friends, and Relationships section? I was in a rush to post my feelings right after this happened, I'm still confused a bit by all the new sections, but I think this would belong there better than here.
Get a job and move out ASAP. Getting a job requires leaving the house ALL day going store to store (on foot if necessary) and filling out applications, asking to speak to managers, and calling them back in 24 hours.
Idk man i feel for you, i can't offer any advice. God, what the fuck is wrong with some people i hate homophones.
Ya I know, I've heard that a thousand times, I'd love to do that, but it's easier said than done. My resume is weak, my interviewing skills are piss-poor, and all I've gotten is rejection every time I've tried to get even the most basic retail job at the mall. But that was already a problem I've been working on for a while, I've been talking with my counselor about going back to school so I can actually have a long-term career plan, finding a job here would only be a temporary band-aid to my bigger issues. My issue here is specifically how to deal with this backward mindset of scared suburban white Republicans who live in paranoid fear of "freaks in The Village", such as my parents.
Do you have a friend you can stay with? I know you said you won't be able to see that guy again, but is the reason because your parents told you not to? If so, I mean, you're 22 years old; get your stuff and ask if maybe you can stay with him for a bit (if not then ask a friend). I know you probably love your parents (even when mine get on my nerves and upset me I'll always love them), but at 22 you should be your own man. I think you should be allowed to do what you want at that age. And get a job for sure. You say it's hard but if you want to get anywhere you have to keep trying I was so scared to do my first interview when I applied for a job but if I never did it I wouldn't have a job, I wouldn't be making money, and I wouldn't be able to go out with friends. Even if you say your resume is bad and you're not good in interviews you should still try. I know this probably all sounds REALLY awkward coming from a 15 year old (and to be honest I feel like it's not even my place to be saying all of this), but this is what I would do. Best of luck! xxoo
