So as some you guys will probably remember I've been having issues with my mom for a while now. We seem to fight a lot over stupid shit and being around her usually leaves me upset, yet I feel like I still need her approval and I want her to be proud of me. She walks all over me though and treats me like shit, if I don't agree with her she thinks I hate her or think she's stupid. I was standing up to her more for a while, but I've gotten more passive lately, I feel like my depression is relapsing (been looking for a new therapist for a few months and haven't found one I click with yet). When I came out she was upset, so that drove a wedge in our relationship and she doesn't know I have a boyfriend, which as caused some trouble with my boyfriend and I. I feel like I let her control my emotions too much also. Whenever she gets mad at me I get very upset and almost numb and will just lay in bed crying. I don't know why I want her approval so much, it's driving me crazy. She's down her visiting me at college right now and I generally just feel like shit, she's always picking fights whenever I don't agree with her or when I don't look 110% happy, which I'm not even close to, I'm trying to not let my depression run me, I'm having boyfriend issues, I feel incredibly alone right now and my mom feels the need to act like a bitch towards me whenever I don't fit her model of perfect. I'm so frustrated/upset/hurt right now and I don't know what to make of it, which for me is weird since I'm usually good at working through my emotions. Sorry if the was a bit incoherent, I'm relatively upset right now.
A possible solution would be to sit down with your mother and tell her about your emotions and wanting her approval, while avoiding subjects that may cause conflict. I'm not familiar with what kind of discussions or arguments you usually have so I can't really make any detailed suggestion, but I think that's at least where I would start.
I think it's some sort of natural, instinctive thing to want you mother's approval. My mother used to be kind of similar, nothing I ever did was good enough. She didn't seem too happy for me when I got into university, or when I would win academic achievement awards in school she would never show up to the ceremonies. But when my sister got a part-time waitressing job she practically threw a party, because that's real work. It used to drive me insane and I would lock myself into my room for hours on end. But about a year or two ago I confronted her about it, and while she was defensive at first, we spoke for hours and she apologised and our relationship became better than ever. It's become even stronger now that I've come out to her as well. I think you need to sit down with her and tell her how her behaviour is making you feel and how destructive it is to you. She probably doesn't even realise that it's affecting you so much and hopefully she'll change her ways. (*hug*)
It's nature that you want to please your mother, for the stupid, stupid reason that she's the woman that gave birth to you. My mother and I have gone through the same thing with my grandmother. If she's picking fights with you, or treating you like a doormat, then confront her when you can muster up the courage and control. But only then. (I've seen this pattern in parents that are like your mother before; in essence, the subject uses a self-taught psychologic war tactic to strike when someone they want to control, or are trying to control, is weakest.) First thing - explain the situation the best you can to your boyfriend; try and mend a relationship that's a little more supported first. I'm sure if you can explain it well enough to your boyfriend, he'll understand. Second - if she's in town, try and keep calm for as long as you can. Whatever you do, try your best to not provoke her. If it's affecting your depression that badly, then taking more shit like that can only hurt more. (Believe me when I say that issues like these that I've had with my family that affected my depression landed me in a psych ward. I don't want anyone experiencing that.) Having a therapist that you click with is huge. Keep looking; don't give up! If you're on meds, you may also want to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist in your area. It could be that your dose needs an increase, or that what you're taking doesn't have the right effects. If not, you may need to get a prescription. (While the psych appointment may be on the pricier side, from what I know, anti-Ds are inexpensive.) If you consider the above paragraph, then you should probably start a thread and ask in Phys/Sex Health. Someone HAS to know more than me on the subject of medication. Finally - just keep your head up and your feet on the ground, no matter what wind tries to knock you over. I have a gut feeling that you can overcome this. Also - if you can't find a therapist soon enough, LEAVE A MESSAGE ON MY WALL. I am more than willing to take a therapist's position! While I can't PM yet, I'm trying to get a Full Membership ASAP. Or start a thread and I'll gravitate to it. Good luck, good sir. ~Sunshine
wow, i have to say good for you!:eusa_clap thats actually quite interesting and I'm glad it worked out! OP, do you think it would make a difference if you tried doing what JPC suggested?
