I still can't get over my first crush. It's been over three years but he still has a hold on me. I'm not even sure If I want to get over him... Really I just want him to love me; and I feel lightly that If I confessed how I feel maybe things would be different, but that is my only option left and what's conflicting is that it feels natural. It feels like the right thing to do, and I want to tell him. I really want to love him, but there are things in the way: I feel inferior to him, because I've become jealous of his intellect. It's hard trying to get over someone that seems to know everything, or is acclaimed by all your peers, or someone that you can plainly see will become valedictorian and is smarter than you in anyway. I think I'm still mad at him. He was the first person I came out to. He was also the first person I admitted to like, but he didn't take that so well. I don't think I can accept that I lost my friend, because I confessed to him. I don't want to believe that, because it can't be true. I chose not to believe it three years back, and I ended up following him only to be ignored, baited, and hurt over and over again. He got a girlfriend to and flaunted her in my face... that was worst thing he ever did to me... or I did to myself. I've tried many times to get over him in the past, but there was always something that drew me back to him. Some mechanation that I've crafted to make it harder on and daunting for myself. This time it's this inferiority complex, and I'm tired of it... of it all. I tired of suffering, and wondering if I should tell him that I love him or not. I just want a clear-cut answer. One that doesn't hurt as much this. How can I avoid someone that is ubiquitous? How do I survive under someone that is so overbearing? Or should I just give all up entirely and just go with my heart... to tell him and risk getting hurt again?
I wouldn't say you deserve better than him, but I would say you deserve someone who is going to at least reciprocate your feelings. And that's something you'll never get from this guy. You've told him once before - what is telling him again going to achieve? More heartache when he rejects you? Again. Move on, son. This ain't happening. Ever.
I hate to admit it, but the above posts are right. I'm going through the same thing that you are- I told him my feelings and he made it very clear that it wouldn't work like that from the start. I get sad whenever I think that, those apparent gestures that I had tried so hard to see and believe in, meant nothing more. That it could never be.. but that's the painful truth. It can never be. I believe however that it isn't the guy that we're attracted to, but rather the bond- the attention, the closeness, the emotional investment. Everything. You see, you have associated this particular person with not only pleasure, but a general feeling of happiness- your brain chemically responds to this person's presence, and thus reacts in a way that gives you a temporary high. You must then, find something to occupy yourself and your mind- something that also gives you that sense of fulfillment and happiness- something that makes you equally important. Try to de-emphasise this man and place the emphasis upon your self once more and you will find that it will hurt less and less... of course, I've been trying that for some weeks now and it doesn't appear to be working. BUt essentially, that is our only option- to find other things in our lives that give us the same sense of satisfaction as this person does.. I find writing it down to help tremendously...
Take it from me who's been through a similar experience: You need space from this guy. I promise you that in time those feelings will subside, but you'e going to have to create some distance with this guy no matter how bad it may hurt you. If you need to explain that to him, so be it, but you have to be a little selfish in this situation and not concern yourself too much about how he would feel about it. The sooner you can do this, the sooner you will be able to heal. Now keep in mind, that I'm only stating my opinion, but it was the only thing that worked for me. You were already honest with him about how you feel, but you're still lingering onto hope. That's why you need the space... Lean on your other friends to help you through this because it's probably going to feel like you're going through withdrawal, but you're going to have to stay strong. You'll know when your feelings have become more rational, and with any luck, you can have a friendship with this guy in the future. Good luck...
