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The importance of queer friends

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by catatonie, Apr 14, 2013.

  1. catatonie

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    I've had the realization before, but last night I really considered it, while hanging out with my roommates.
    I have no LGBT friends, anymore.
    Though to begin with, I don't have very many friends at all, so proportionately, I am "the queer one". Which wasn't always the case. I lost all my queer friends after the break-up with my ex. He got them and I got the houseplants. They were mostly his friends to begin with anyway. My own friends, are all almost certainly straight. Or at least they're all straight couples or have openly talked to me about straight escapades. Inherently there's nothing wrong with this. I like them because I have a lot in common with them, we get along, you know, how friends should.

    But there are still times when I feel a kind of disconnect. None of them are homophobic, but there have been those awkward silences a few too many times, particularly with my roommates, that aren't really indicative of anything significant, but I do self-censor. Last night I was talking about relationships with the male half of the roommates, and I got really nervous and kept trying to avoid pronouns when clearly I was talking about boys. I KNOW he doesn't care. But, he doesn't care almost to a fault. He gets this kind of look on his face like he's blank, as if he's making the effort not to seem anything besides accepting of me, and it's totally possible I'm imagining that or looking for it where it's not, because I'm so self-conscious.

    Anyway, long story short, I'm a socially awkward fairy.
    Does anyone else struggle with this?
    Censoring yourself around the heteros?
    Feeling like you're lacking something without any LGBTQ friends to talk to?
    Am I on some other shit tonight or is there a benefit to having at least another queer to hang out with?
     
  2. Zmajcek

    Zmajcek Guest

    Totally censoring myself when talking to my straight friends, especially the guys... And it's not even my idea that they put an effort to be able to listen to what I have to say, but there are also moments when they simply change the subject or tell me I am a pussy for not being able to find a boyfriend - a.k.a. they have no idea how hard it can be if you are not living in a very gay friendly environment, where you have options and places to go and meet other LGBT people.

    I am sure there is a benefit to it, but the problem with having LGBT friends is that sometimes the fact that you both are LGBT is what makes the friendship and not the mutual interests, chemistry etc. So some of those friendships are bound to break much easier than other ones. Still, having someone to talk to or go out with in a gay environment is really important and I totally get your point.
     
  3. catatonie

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    Oh right, I forgot about that. Definitely a response I've gotten before from friends. Probably one of the top three reasons I don't talk about my "crushes" with straight people. Especially the females. They're just like "Go get 'em, tigre." No. It doesn't work like that. Not for me, not in this reality.

    With other guys it's particularly difficult though. It's not like sexuality comes up every single time I have a conversation, but I feel like I'm hyper-aware of the minutia.
    To the point of referring to my partner as "she", stupidly sometimes but on reflex, in front of people who knew who he was, haha. Being single makes that part a lot simpler, anyway.

    Again, none of my friends even give a fuck, but I'm just not sure if I'm making up the subtleties or if they're actually there. It's not that I'm ashamed, I just don't want to burden them if they are truly uncomfortable with it. Naturally, no one I'm close to has ever said it makes them uncomfortable, to my face. Who really knows, though? I don't want to be resented and excluded. It's happened before. Not with my current friends, I feel like my risks are lower in that, but it still nags at me.
     
  4. TheEdend

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    I don't censor myself around straight friends, but I do think that having some LGBTQ friends is important. Heck, if it weren't important then this website wouldn't be as popular or as needed as it is!

    And the same thing goes about any other identity that you find important. People naturally like talking and interacting with people similar to them :slight_smile:
     
  5. ForgottenRose

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    Queer friends aren't all that great. From my experience they just want sex with you, and then bam over. Better off without them, like seriously.
     
  6. catatonie

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    even the lesbians ?
     
  7. June Cleaver

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    How do you get gay friends? Gay guys never want anything to do with me because I am a lady, and lesbians don't either due to this male body. It sucks is all I can say. So I live in the straight world with no problem most of the time. There are the curious guys who just want the experence and the occational jealous GF. June
     
  8. jeanie

    jeanie Guest

    I had one openly lesbian friend last year, but I didn't tell her I was gay (and even mentioned a guy to her) because I didn't want to seem...something.
    That's my only experience with that and it was interesting to me that she was so open with her sexuality, but I really don't think we had very much in common besides the class we were in (and our friendship ended when the class did).

    I do tend to sensor myself with everyone. I don't want other gay women to think I like them (which is weird I know), and that's def the case with straight women. My best friend is a gay male but I can't really talk about sex with him.
     
  9. catatonie

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    I don't think that's weird.
    I'm a lot more timid around very openly gay men, than I probably should be, on the sexuality topic.
    Mostly because I've had some less than stellar reactions to telling anyone I'm bi.
    Probably more likely because I feel strange having that be a factor in a friendship which I don't want to involve sexuality in? Also, "Hey I'm like you in this non heterosexual way" is just a strange thing to say haha.
    "Friends who are also queer" is probably a better term then, than "Queer friends".
    The LGBT people I knew when I was with my boyfriend were primarily gay men, I wouldn't say it was uncomfortable BECAUSE of that but because we weren't on the same plane at all, in any way, besides sexuality.

    Do you think you benefit something from your friendship with him, specifically because he is gay? Or is it completely non-consequential?
     
  10. theCHIVEguy21

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    for the people who know i'm gay i definitely censor myself. Which is exactly why I searched for a website like this. It just doesn't seem like they want to hear anything about it.
    I would love to be friends with another gay guy just to talk to. I think it would be almost freeing to talk shop about what I really want. LOL!
     
  11. greatwhale

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    I do self-censor with those few straight friends who know that I am gay, mostly because I don't want to bore them, but also because for some of them, talking about any relationships has never been what we've been about....it depends on the friend I guess...
     
  12. PeteNJ

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    Boy, I'd be lost without gay friends. Guys (and women), that I can totally be myself with. They're like brothers, mentors. Some have become really good friends. Some have become lovers.

    They're my strength, my support, and I'm there for them as well.

    Check out local LGBT centers, try Meetup (is that big in Canada?). Having gay friends is great -- and let's be honest, its going to be the best way to meet others guys for sex & relationships, too.
     
  13. greatwhale

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    Meetups do exist (in Montreal at least) but very few, it seems, for LGBT events. I see that I will probably have to put one together!
     
  14. Ettina

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    Given that my two closest friends I picked in large part because they're both disabled, I can relate to wanting friends who are part of the same minority as you. It's so much easier. I don't need to explain myself as much, because even if they're not autistic they know about having a disability. We can share experiences as disabled people, like commiserating about how confusing the procedures of getting university accommodations are. And I can ask for help without feeling awkward because I can also help my friend out sometimes as well. (For example, since I have no self-control, I rarely carry money around. But I don't feel awkward about my friend buying stuff for us both because she feels it's only fair given how often I open doors for her or pick up things she's dropped.)

    I guess the thing is to make sure being both LGTB isn't the only reason you're friends. You still need the getting along with each other, trusting each other and enjoying spending time together bits, just like any friendship.
     
  15. greatwhale

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    Well said!
     
  16. jeanie

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    I think I benefit from the friendship because he's gay. I would either way since we've known one another since elementary, and have almost always been close, but him being gay means I have someone who I can talk to about general stuff (feelings, doubts, experiences) and have him understand in a better way than my other friends.

    I still want a specifically lesbian friend though. Just to help me deal with topics he can't really speak on.
     
  17. sexyalex

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    I'm with him.
    Everything he said, and, I know where you are coming from with the ex took all friends? Yea. I had that kind of tragedy with the end of my relationship, too.

    Really, I don't crave gay friends and before my bf, i didn't have gay friends, so it didn't bother me. I don't have many friends already as it is, but most of my straight friends are females and their boyfriends.
     
  18. Anomander

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    I don't really censor simply because I am in the closet and therefore just avoid talking about those types of things all together. It does get awkward however when my friends ask me what kinda porn I like watching, am I a boob or ass man, ect ect I usually just have to make something up on the spot and hope they end it there haha. I do not have any gay friends though. All alone on that front. In fact I can only think of three openly gay people I know of in my whole campus.