Hello, So last week I told my mum that I was gay, and today was the first time we sat down and spoke about it. Throughout the whole conversation she said she loved me, but she was crying, and the tears were pouring down her face... She is worried her mum and dad (my grandparents) won't speak to me if I come out, which will result in them not speaking to her, she is also worried about me, as she thinks at the age of 16, I'm rushing into this and should focus on a successful job ect. My dad doesn't know yet (my parents aren't split up or anything) and no one else knows, other than about 10 friends... I guess my reasons why writing this is, does anyone have any tips to make me feel less like a home wrecker? I feel like I should just stay a closet gay for life right now... I can't deal with seeing my mum so upset, and for once I don't blame her.
Dear Maffew, You did something brave and difficult, your mother's reaction is the difficult part. It would be a shame to lose this gain and go back in the closet. You cannot feel guilty for being true to who you are, and your home won't be wrecked by anything you do. I think your mother's reaction may or may not be justified, but I can only tell you that the closet is not the answer. I wish I were so brave at your age!
You might want to talk to her again. I didn't get the impression that she was suggesting you go back in the closet at all, from your words, but I don't know for sure. It may not be fair, but your situation can be construed as similar to mine. I'm out to everyone who asks except my grandparents and extended family, in general, at my mom and dad's sort of request. You don't have to go back in the closet, but you might not want to tell / hint anything to your extended family. Again, it's not fair, but... It may be for the best. You're not being a home-wrecker. Your mom just needs to get used to the idea and everything that it includes. Tons of people, no matter their orientation, date at your age, which may or may not be something you're interested in right now. If you do want to date, there's nothing wrong with that =)
I agree with Luthan, mostly because I'm in a similar situation. I'm out to both of my parents and all of my friends, however, I would NEVER tell my overly Orthodox Christian Grandmother. It's not really a bad thing and it doesn't hurt my feelings, I just know that it would break her heat because of what she believes in - and there's nothing wrong with that.
It is ok to not be out to everybody -- particularly someone like grandparents who are not a part of your daily life. And give your Mum time, too, to process. I printed out some PFLAG brochures for my parents which I think were helpful to them. And while they'll always love me, I know, I don't think they get me being gay completely, especially my Mom -- but its ok. At some point you need to ask yourself if not telling your grandparents comes between you being close to them. That probably won't happen until you have a boyfriend you want to bring to family events (and that you want everyone to see/know he's your boyfriend, not just a "friend"). I know for me, when there is a guy that I care enough about to introduce him to my 'rents -- I am certain that will help them accept me more, too - seeing that I'm happy and well with being gay. Your post about coming out to your Mum -- you felt so good afterwards. Keep that going -- think about who is in your life that you're going to come out next to. Live your life as an out gay man. Be who you are! Live from your heart, make smart choices, find friends and boyfriends who you make more and they make you more.
As said before, you have done nothing wrong, so don't blame yourself, but I would maybe also advise on maybe staying closeted for some people :/ I'm actually in the same situation (have told mum, not dad), so I know how you feel. For me the most difficult part is that my (hopefully) future partner can't make my close family happy, as a girl would do. But it sounds as if your mum actually is quite okay with you being gay, other than the family relationship-issues? I can relate to the part that it feels sooo bad seeing close family members so upset, and knowing there is nothing you really can do about it :/
She'll warm to it in time, Maffew I still haven't told my mum yet but I've been slowly trying to change her views on homosexuality before I come out to her (to make it easier). She's your mum and she'll always love you; you're not a homewrecker for being who you are.
I've let guilt control me for decades. trying to unlearn that. I'm really proud of you! As a woman in her 40's coming out its some of the stories from the younger EC folks like you that have really helped me. Sometimes Grandparents do the unexpected. Things they would not have done or be for thier children they are for their grandkids.