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Where to go from here for a super shy guy

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by luvlontime, Apr 16, 2013.

  1. luvlontime

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    So I came out to my best friend Jan 17th. He is so supportive and such a great guy. He is the only one that knows so I feel super comfortable around him and can be free to speak my deepest thoughts and he is so understanding and supportive I just feel so lucky to have him in my l my life. I am extremely jealous of his relationship with his girlfriend. I am so lonely and want a relationship and that someone important in my life, like he has. My stress level is through the roof as I am going through some pretty strong kidney problems. Now onto my problem.

    Like I said I am extremely jealous of my best friends relationship. I want one soooo bad. I see how happy they are. I go over his apt every now and then and while were just sitting there, I observe the simple things in life mean so much. The fact that they have someone to come home to. Someone to eat dinner with. Someone to snuggle on the couch. Someone to share their days with. Its awesome and I want that awesomeness. I am not looking for sexual relations or "booty calls". I want a true blue relationship. I have noticed my self esteem going down because of the weight gain from my meds. When I am with my best friend I feel confident and can be relaxed and be myself. I would never go to a gay bar as I never go to any bars...very rare. I told him the other day that I want a relationship so bad, but I know that people aren't going to just knock on my door. He said, "with all ur medical stuff ur going through I wouldn't rush it. It will happen eventually. That is the worst thing u need to deal with right now." I know he's right, but I just want someone to love and snuggle at night when I go to bed, and share my day and life with. I know it will happen as he said, but it just hurts because it took all I had to come out to him and I can't describe how I feel when I am around him and be myself for the first time in 42 yrs. Its pure awesomeness...with a missing piece. I am waaaayyyyy to shy to go to any type of support group. I am really affected by this mentally to where I work myself up about how I am lonely but am too shy to do anything about it. Guess I will be lonely for life and that hurts. I want it sooo bad but I am my own worst enemy. Its like I just want it to happen, but I am my biggest restraint.

    Any other shy people out here got advice or tricks to help me through this? He is totally straight and I would never ask him to go to a support group or gay bar with me, which I am 1000% sure he would, but I don't want to put him through that. There is being supportive and then there is being too demanding or abusive of this support.

    I don't friggin know. I give. Any help or comments would be greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance.
     
  2. theMaverick

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    Well, if I were you, I'd first look into LGBT groups around the area. There is sure to be something you would find beneficial. Then, maybe you'd meet someone there. Outside of that, there are also numerous dating website you can try, although I can't list them for you. Just search for "gay dating" or something like that.

    As far as being too shy to go to a support group, I understand but it will be so good for you. Just go once. See how it is.
     
  3. Filip

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    Well, there's no denying that reaching out of your comfort zone is stressful. But... in life the greatest risk of disappointment comes from never risking anything. And you're absolutely right that no one is just going to arrive on your doorstep with an offer for a relationship.
    So any realistic advice is, to some extent, going to be about peeking beyond your current boundaries.

    But... I think you have some options to make those steps a little less daunting:

    - Above all, remind yourself of this: you came out to one friend. And it was more rewarding than you probably ever thought possible. Your success rate is, effectively, 100%. That should be a good sign for any other coming-outs!
    Take it from someone who's a bit farther along: success rate is, generally, pretty high. I have never had a really bad reaction. and in several cases, the friendship intensified.

    - So... maybe you should plan a couple more coming-outs. This guy is your best friend, but you could seriously consider which other people you could come out to. If you can discuss anything with your friend, you could even ask him for input, especially if you're planning to come out to a common friend/acquaintance.
    And when you're at the verge of doing so, let him know. It's easy to crawl back when no one knows your plans, but less so when someone else is awaiting a victory report. Plus, however it goes, he'll know to be there to discuss how it went down.

    - Maybe asking him to go with you to a gay bar or support group is a bit much. I wouldn't ask that of my straight friends either. But... maybe he could give you a final push? Not go into the support group meeting, but drive you there? Or at least talk some courage into you before you go, and be there after you return? The same applies as for coming out: knowing a friend has your back makes it all a lot easier.

    - Aside from leaning on your friend... you could take some smaller steps. Maybe you don't want to barge into the GLBT community center. But... they probably have an e-mail address. Or a telephone number. Send them a message telling them what you told us. Perhaps they can offer you some more practical information to ease your mind. Or maybe even offer to meet one-on-one in a neutral zone, without expectations. That, too, counts as a good first step.

    - Last, but not least: never think shyness is a fundamental thing you'll never get over. At some times, I found myself too shy to even go grocery shopping (yay for a surplus of instant noodles :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:), but with time and effort, I found that everything is learned. even being somewhat social. don't see it as "forever alone", but just as exercising a mental and social muscle that you haven't trained until now!
     
  4. luvlontime

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    Filip - thank u thank u thank u. That was very supportive and gives me some good ideas! Ur experience is speaking to me in a big way. I definitely will be working on all this. Thanks again.