I'm living two lives and I'm so unhappy

Hello, I'm new to these forums and would really appreciate some help.

I've recently discovered I'm bi-sexual at 28. I only realised this after embarking on an intense romantic affair with a lesbian acquaintance which has been going on for the past 8 months. I know this makes me a terrible person and I do feel really tortured by it. However, I have also never felt so alive or romantically attached to anyone before. The physical side of the relationship is incredible and more fulfilling than anything I've experienced with the two men I'd previously been with. In fact, I now feel as if my orientation has taken a dramatic 180 degree turn and I almost exclusively look at females and think romantically and sexually of being with women...specifically ONE woman.

However - massive problem. I'm engaged to a man who I joint-own a house with. I never intended to have an affair and never thought I liked women like that, although I've always believed you fall in love with a person, not their gender. I have been with my fiance for 7 years and he is kind, sweet, fiercely intelligent and looks after me very attentively. He cooks and does all the DIY, he wants to have kids with me and my parents very much want me to be looked after by him.

The problem is - I'm a big fat cheat and completely sexually disinterested in him, although I love him still very tenderly. I haven't slept with him in over a year and before that we never kissed on the mouth (not since our first two years of the relationship- my choice not his). Interestingly, all the stuff I don't like doing with him because it's too intimate for me (oral, kissing, naked sex, and *ahem* the more adventurous bedroom manoeuvrings) I LOVE doing with my girl.

The girl and I have been together romantically for 8 months now. She was a casual acquaintance I'd always found pretty and intriguing but until she began pursuing me and taking more interest, I had never considered her in that way. I was intensely lonely and depressed when we began talking regularly and soon found we shared the same interests, fears and even hangups and paranoia. I have bared my soul to her completely and she to me. She knows more about me than I have ever told anyone and the ironic thing is, I began being this honest because I never saw a risk of becoming emotionally or sexually attracted to her because she was female. Big mistake!

My girl has introduced me to her family on many occasions and they really like me and think I'm good for her. She and her family want me to move out of my house and set up home with her but I think it's way too soon for that, although I don't doubt that I want to be with her forever, if I can be.

So the problems I need help with:
a) Should I leave my fiance, even though my family told me being in a gay relationship is an "abomination" and that they will never accept me or any offspring or partners I have as a result of a lesbian relationship? My family on the other hand, love my male fiance and want me very much to stay with him.

b) Can things work out with this girl who I love so very, very much? I'm scared that despite her commitment in introducing me to her family, sharing everything with me even her bank details!) and her obvious emotional passion for me, she might leave me for someone else if the intensity fades. I don't want to lose my home, my fiance and my family to end up ultimately alone. Sorry if that sounds selfish.

c) Am I an evil emotional parasite who will never be capable of selfless love? I'm so afraid that all this stuff only leads to the conclusion I'm a bad, bad person who doesn't deserve happiness.

Please, please help me. I'm talking to the Samaritans and have been to the Drs about counselling as this has consumed my entire life and cost me my friends and family. I really am in torment and need some advice! Thank you for reading.

 

Thank you so much for your replies. I am genuinely crying with relief that you have taken the time to respond to me, I am so scared right now

I literally can't talk to anyone in real life about this stuff, except the girl I'm seeing and obviously she's not exactly impartial.

Lexington: Thanks, I definitely don't want to lead my fiance on; you are totally right. I take marriage and engagement very seriously and don't want to get married, have kids and then break their hearts or my husband's by revealing how unhappy I am.

Outwardsmiles: Thank you for your detailed response. I am so bad at dealing with change and now I've gone and gotten myself into a right old drastic life-changing situation. I feel safe and secure with my fiance but not in love and the idea of physical intimacy with him makes me feel ill and sad. Also, I think I've damaged the relationship beyond repair with my lies and deceit.

I'm actually not Christian but I went to Sunday School as a kid and I know my scripture pretty well. My mum is very religious however and I think she not only disagrees with my sexuality on religious grounds but also because she is worried about the shame she feels I'll bring on her. Her first response when I said I thought I had shifted to only liking exclusively women was the embarrassment she'd feel if other family members found out. I am trying not to take offense as I know it's a huge shock for her but it is really scary and hard, knowing she loves me but does not accept me and actively disapproves of me.

I've always striven to please my parents. It is so important to me that they love me and are proud of me. Both my parents suggested I should stay with my fiance and agree to sex on special occasions like birthdays and Christmas to keep the peace but I don't think I can do this. Especially not when I feel so much genuine attraction and love for someone else. My thoughts go round and round and each time I feel like my heart breaks a little bit more at the hopelessness of it all.