Long story short I want to know if your sexuality or gender has affected your friendships with guys and especially straight guys. Can you have functional guy friendships, does it feel odd, have any stories, ect.? Long story: So I was basically raised by crazy femnazi women... No joke my sister and mom own this title. My dad wasn't a very big part of the equation, even though he was present some of my life, and so this left my mom and thee older sisters to me and then my little sister to them be a part of my life. Needless to say I was a little short male role models. I have been seen as "gay" most of my life because of this. Sadly I am not gay and didn't even identify as bisexual until a year or so ago... Kind of a sick turn of events honestly. I get along strangely well with middle aged woman and old people. But in all actuality my friendships have generally been people older than me and of "my generation" a few friends; almost all being girls... For the most part guys my age are completely repelled by me and in general I don't understand guys. Sure I am one (and not ashamed of this) but there seems to be a certain disconnect. I seem to just get under guys' skin. I had one friend who was the exception all through elementary school and most of middle school but by 8th grade he hated me. Not a term used lightly here; he literally tried to turn the school against me and got super obsessive scary in trying to ruin my life. Needless to say he didn't succeed and I left him behind in a hoe-dunk rancher town to go to the "big city" where I assumed guy friendships would be easier; not the close minded country mentality. I was kinda wrong not gonna lie... I only made one close friend who was a guy (and he was gay) in my first year and the second year (this year) I am not having much better luck. I was kinda friends with this guy at the beginning of this year but after offering to blow me and being a total basket case I saw he was a (closeted) gay guy and he didn't help my track record. So the questions remains, try as I might, is it normal that can't have normal guy friendships?
Most of my friends from my old high school are all guys, They all know I'm bi and are totally cool with it. One of my guy friends is still in the same school with me buy in my new school most of my friends are girls. I dunno... in my experience it just sort of depends where you are... I know how you feel though, its hard to find people who aren't judgmental these days. you just gotta put yourself out there, this is thew hard part. finding something people will associate you with, something you're good at, something you're passionate about. It takes a while. Just keep your head up mate. (*hug*)
I'm not out to many people, so it's hard to make observations. One friend I'm out to is a bit unhappy with me being gay (he was raised homophobic, but it's starting to get on my nerves), but we are generally ok. We understand each other, have similar interests and similar minds, even if our worldviews are different in details. Another friend I'm out to is perfectly ok and our friendship is working well, although we are very different people, so when we stop having some shared activities, we'll probably spontaneously drift apart. I get the feeling that (despite the question) you weren't even asking this in terms of sexuality, but generally. Is that right? If that's the case, I think you upbringing probably had a lot of influence on you, but now that you are living by yourself, you should try to make up your own mind. Go enroll into clubs, get to meetings, join groups and similar based on your interests. When you meet people who share your interests, it's easier and more probable that you will form friendships.
Neo -- let's start with the basics. How many straight guys do you think are posting on forums on the web about having friendships with other guys. I'll take a stab... NOT MANY! You, me, and all of us dealing with sexual identity, gender, questions, etc. -- we are ALL over thinkers, over processors. Its what has kept us (relatively!) sane. It keeps us safe, it allows us to function. Yes -- it can drive us crazy, too. And its what makes us pretty amazing -- smart, creative, empathetic, intuitive... In short, what's going on in our heads, minds, hearts -- its not exactly typical. And I love it -- I hope you do too! My best friends, they're straight men. (yes, I'm sure of that) Guess what -- they're kind of the same -- thinkers, processors, empathetic. I think your challenge is to find guys like that -- straight and gay -- who have that in common with you. Those guys will become your guy friends. Find other guys who have similar interests to you - photography, art, hiking, or whatever. Yes, there will be guys that you don't connect with. There will be some you will connect with -- straight and gay.
If you were raised by extremely feminist women..wouldn't you not act girly? That is just an interesting bit of psychology there...hmm. Anyways, I am all for people loving each other and getting along. One of my favorite quotes is "all creatures must learn to co-exist...that's why the brown bear and the field mouse can share their lives in harmony. Of course, they can't mate or the mice would explode." ~ courtesy of Betty White as Rose Nylund. We all should get along. But, honestly....it just sometimes doesn't make us life long friends. Some of us just think very differently. I personally CANNOT STAND being friends with guys who don't respond back in a timely fashion. I'm not talking about instantly - a few hours is fine. But it drives me nuts that you wait and wait and wait and wait and wait for "haha." I am sure there are some guys that like conversations and talking. But frankly Scarlett, he's probably gay so he won't be a friend. I'll end up dating him...haha. And "normal" guy relationships...that's funny. Let's be honest here - we aren't "normal." We are straight and we probably aren't going to get married at 27 and have 2.7 kids. We probably aren't going to work for a management firm and be married to a teacher. I am perfectly fine being friends with who I am friends with. Sometimes, the girls drive me nuts but who is there when I need them? Girls. If a guy came along that was interested in being friends and could handle what I want, then OK! I'd be up for it. But I just think we need to be honest.
I'm out to anyone who asks and only have guy friends not girl friends. I'm out to them, but it hasn't affected our friendship at all. I don't feel awkward around them at all, and they know I didn't fancy them.
Do you have anything in common with straight men besides being a man? As others have said, you generally make friends with people who share common interests with you. I have straight friends because my friends and I had common interests growing up that allowed us to bond and form those friendships. I don't know you, but you said you were raised by all women. I will say that, in my experience, many straight men don't just rush to be friends with guys who may be effeminate, especially at your age. They don't want to be associated with anything that could make others question their sexuality. It's very immature, but that's how a lot of straight guys work. Do you consider yourself to be slightly effeminate? If so, that could be the problem. Other than that, if you really want to connect with other guys, try and develop some interests that other guys would have. They're not all immature or insecure, so you could probably get a few friends that way.
Thank you to everyone who replied! I don't know if I could have put it better, I guess I'm glad that I'm not alone in my over analysis of everything... But honestly would letting go and not over thinking everything be better? Yeah well the whole feminism thing is kind of strange... I have always been afraid that they made me dislike my more "masculine traits" and encouraged my more unorthodox traits that make me seem "girly": choir, cooking, art, ect. And while these don't make me gay they are still stereotypes regarding gay men and haven’t helped with how people perceive me. Don't get me wrong I raised cattle, can drive a tractor, and am not afraid to do manual labor. But sports and video games and the "guy" stuff I was just raised to think were stupid... But regardless of what makes me look gay or whether or not it was my upbringing that contributed to it I do think that you bring up a good point; my wanting to have male friendships shouldn't discredit the value I have on my friendships with girls, after all I have really amazing friends who are girls. My immediate response would be yes, given I can't imagine I have absolutely nothing in common with every straight man in the world. But that questions hits right to the core of my fear; I don't know if I do. I hate to use this term because I don't have very many self-esteem issues, but I honestly feel really broken when comes to this. And I would say on a scale of one to ten, one being a quarter back and ten being Nathan Lane in the bird cage I'm probably a five or six... I pretty close to the middle of the road. Most adult don't think I'm gay they just think I am "mature" and "animated" because I am artsy and into drama and account my total disconnect with guys to be a generational thing and I am just "wiser than my years"... Which is nice but not terribly help full. So yeah a big part is probably I am not super masculine, and that my age group is a bunch of fearful lemmings following one another in giant homophobic spiral because of the current state of civil rights. But really how am I supposed to have “guy interests”? This isn’t only you to say I should develop different or more interest, but it isn’t that I’m uninvolved or anti-social; I am really involved in student council, choir, drama, visual art, and I have joined countless clubs and while it has helped get to know some people and has gotten most people in my school to know who I am, it hasn’t helped built much more than slight friendships with guys…
