(No longer) in love with my straight best friend

Okay, so, as some of you may recall, a bit after April, I had written a thread entitled "In love with my straight best friend"- detailing my experiences and misinterpretations with someone that I (once) loved. I have noticed that since then, this forum has been saturated with similar accounts. I am happy to say, that I will provide a good story, a change from all the disappointment and heartache of the usual.

So... my friend still remained as my friend, even after the confession. Things returned to normal- and they were picking up at their usual pace- but of course, I knew that things would never be the same again. There was a sort of injury, a sort of non-descript hurt afflicted upon both sides: on his side, a violation of past intimacies of sorts, a sort of confirmation of his deepest suspicions held from the inception of our friendship; and on my side, an embarrassment- a hurt that, realistically speaking, although not entirely without meaning, the bond that I had so perceived as real and true had been nothing more but a fabrication within my mind. It is in these quiet hours that I reflect upon the human condition- that I reflect upon my idea of reality- what is real, and what is not? How does one fool themselves- no, delude themselves as so completely as I? Strange...

And thus, things were not helped by the slow texting and responses from both parties- each unsure of how the other would gauge their responses- each unsure of what level of intimacy would be appropriate and well within the "friendship" zone as to avoid the past mistakes of misinterpretation. But nonetheless, realising the significance of what was potentially at lost- a very, very good friend of mine, I continued non-chalantly, being a true mate, speaking as without dramas like a couple of bros. Still though, there was an invisible injury that bothered me, and made me miss the past- that made me miss the way things use to be: where I, under my own impressions, was first in consequence with him. It didn't matter that it wasn't reciprocated, or the fact that it wasn't how it played out- those long months of texting each other day in and day out has left a lasting, loving scar upon me- and has taught me the true value of ubiquitous companionship. It had, at the very least, distracted my thoughts from that of suicide- venom flowing out from one idea into another: to the idea that I was the most important person in someone else's life.

But still, we are friends.

And as if to cement that idea, he showed me the full weight of his sexuality the other day, flirting openly and essentially third wheeling me during one of our lunch breaks- and I have to admit, I was very hurt. But I didn't show it of course, and encouraged them to become a couple, coyly joking with the idea that they'd make a cute couple, wishing them all the happiness in the world when he turned to me and asked me if I could "guess" as to whether or not they were going out. In all honesty, that convinced me more than anything- and made me believe and remember how foolish I was to interpret such signals in that way. That said, I must admit that all of my friends are straight- and not one of them responds so affectionately (now this I am sure of, looking back over the texts with new eyes) or had ever shown that level of intimacy- so still, I question, and I puzzle. Some things will never be known however, and I, nowadays, tend to take the side of not questioning things- leaving things as they are.

And as we moved to our next lecture, I couldn't help but notice him flirting with my other (girl) friend, complimenting on her hair, her nails and how she looked pretty. I was pretty hurt again, but this time less so. She did however, later choose to go have lunch with me, and made me smile the whole time as to why I wasn't straight. Girls always had a way of making me smile and feel good... guys... well, I guess love is always misplaced.

During the lecture, though I did feel the offence- taking into account his careless personality- I dismissed this and played along, joked and laughed with my two good friends, and presented, what must have been a caricature of an image, of a picturesque complex of perfect shallow amity and intimacy. It makes me smile- and I guess it makes me realise that friendship is all about trusting the other person- knowing them, and being a good mate.

And although it may seem like he was deliberately trying to make me jealous- in all honesty, I believe that I would have done the very same thing had I been in his position. There is a sort of arrogance and ego that comes with flaunting yourself to someone who likes you, but cannot like you. Subconsciously, whether or not we like it, it surfaces through the subtleties of our body language.

And yet, we are still friends- still talking, still joking about like the old (in some ways). Everything was amiable. Everything was good. I no longer concerned myself with whether or not he would return my feelings- nor did I concern myself with the continued waiting and hopeful attendance. No, I was playing my role- I was being a good friend. Not someone who wanted to get with him, but being a good mate. And as for myself? Though the hurt is still there, I feel free. I feel like my days of waiting for his return or his responses are over, and that I am finally able to familiarise myself as the person who captured his interest all those months ago, familiarise myself as the person that I am- and not as some extension of his.

Realistically however, I'm sure that I still have, and always will have, feelings for him. He still makes me excited sometimes when we talk . But nonetheless, although it took a bit of distance, some serious reflection, a whole lot of introspection and self searching- I think that I will be okay (at least for now). I think that I am going to be able to move on. And I can proudly say- I managed to do all of that without the need to "distance" myself drastically as some others have suggested (of course, there are clear limits now, limits that I have imposed- but it's no big matter)- so there is no loss of friendship here! To think, had I walked away from the friendship, how bad of a reflection would that have been upon my character? it gives the impression that I never really was his friend, that the whole time I only wanted to get into his pants. That is my rationale for staying and disciplining myself. My story reads like an ordinary story- it is disappointing, but only in shades. It is disappointing, but only about as disappointing as the senescent leaves of autumn upon the first day of March. It is disappointing- but it isn't so bad.

It is disappointing, but it will still be okay.