I've been dating my boyfriend for almost four months now. He's a fantastic person and I love spending time with him, but I'm not sure dating is the right relationship for us. When I think about our relationship I can see him as a really great friend - we connect really well intellectually and really enjoy each other's company. However for me there really isn't a spark to it - I'm not sure how to describe it but I think some people may know what I mean by that. Also, while he is a very handsome guy, I don't find myself particularly attracted to him. I can see that he is good looking, but for some chemical reason he just doesn't do it for me (which I hate, because it feels so superficial, but I can't help it). One problem is that he doesn't feel the same as me. He is head over heels for me and totally invested in the relationship. He's already talked a lot about the future, kids, etc, and I am not at all ready for a long-term commitment like that. So I'm not sure what to do. I am afraid that if I break up with him it will both destroy him (he's really invested in us, and is also struggling with depression and is emotionally fragile) and would also destroy our relationship. I guess I'm one of those people naive enough to think that we could still be friends, and maybe even best friends afterward. Any advice?
He needs to know the truth, and soon, as his investment in you will only grow day after day. It is emotional blackmail to assume that his mental stability rests on your staying together, a relationship based on guilt will NOT last (take it from me!) I know, it's tough but it is necessary...
If he's relying on you for emotional support then breaking up will definitely shake him. You just need to remind him that you're still there for him no matter what happens. The bitter truth is better than the sweetest lie after all. But I suggest you wait a while, until you think he's a bit more stable, at first, the backlash will be a bit much, but he'll have to overcome it. I suggest you do it somewhere alone, that way you can stay with him after you've told him and make sure he's ok. Whatever you do, never let him leave without reassuring him that you're still there for him and still love him with all your heart, just not in that sense.
The trouble is that he does rely on me for emotional support, and a lot. There is another factor though - a time constraint. In a few months we are both moving. Me to another state and him to Canada (for a semester). I am kind of afraid of having him alone and so far beyond my help and the help of anyone I or he knows, and I think that if we were no longer dating he might not turn to me when he needs to. He has been frequently suicidal in the past, and although he has been to counseling for it (and still goes) the problem persists. So there's a part of me that thinks that I have almost a duty to stay so I can protect him...after all what are a few months or years of my life compared to the rest of his?
This sounds like it makes sense, and even sounds noble of you - but in practice, it's not going to work. If you really are his only emotional support keeping him from being suicidal, then he's going to be in trouble when he goes off to Canada no matter what. And regardless of where he is or what your relationship status is, no one person should be responsible for providing him with complete emotional support necessary for his survival. Counselors will usually talk about this as needing a support network, which is exactly what it sounds like. And it sounds like he needs one. It's up to you exactly what steps to take in this situation - do you contact his counselor, his family, any friends he may have at the time, etc. - but ultimately, if this is the situation, I would recommend having this conversation with him sooner rather than later. Greatwhale is right - whether your bf realizes he's doing this or not, this is a form of emotional blackmail, and it's not good for you or for him. The sooner he can start coming to grips with the situation, the better, and if the two of you can achieve a sense of closure about the relationship before he leaves, he'll be in a much better spot when he gets there. Equally importantly, you won't have to deal with the feeling that you've become solely responsible for another person's welfare (and after all, you can't be the ONLY thing propping him up - what did he do before you came along?).
Think of it this way: he relies on you for emotional support, and that's great, but what are you getting? You're not his mom. You know? Ending the relationship is going to hurt him just as much now as it will in the future, and staying in the relationship is going to be just as unfulfilling for you in the future as it is now.
It's easier said than done but you've got to speak to him about it. I would hate to be unloved in a relationship and he will suspect it sooner or later.
