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Any Advice for getting over a First Love?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by LetLoveIn, Apr 19, 2013.

  1. LetLoveIn

    Regular Member

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    **Sorry this is so long! :frowning2:

    Below is the Backstory, but I wanted to ask the question first, okay? :slight_smile:

    How do I get over my romantic feelings for this person in order for our friendship to still continue? Any and all advice for this is greatly welcomed.

    "Darcy" and I met between February and March of 2012 through this fandom community we were a part of. I was forthcoming about my sexual orientation, as was she, so we knew from the get-go that we both liked girls. And I, to be totally honest, was just beginning to explore my newfound sexuality.

    To paint the picture of impossibly of us working under normal odds, let’s take a look: I was getting ready to turn 22, and she 18. We’ve grown up over 2,000 miles away from each other; her on the West Coast, me in Ohio. I’m old-fashioned and grounded, she’s liberal and wild. She was in high school, I was in college. I don’t do casual flings and date to find my Forever Mate, she’s dating for fun. And the list of differences goes on and on, but you get the idea. We’re polar opposites on paper, as you can see.

    We started out as friends, of course. We were Skyping, texting, etc. on a daily basis, but with no deeper feelings being felt. Yet as May rolled around, and I was preparing to move back home from school, I realized I had feelings for Darcy that went beyond friendship. Within a few weeks, I came clean to Darcy about my feelings, with no adverse reaction, actually quite a pleasant reaction there was.

    I was filled with such hope! You wouldn’t believe how happy I felt that this could be it, that I had finally found happiness… boy, was I wrong. We became strained as my summer break continued, until we weren’t talking at all. I cry thinking about it now; there were nights we’d both be online and she’d ignore my IMs. I’d try to start a conversation, and I’d get no reply, yet she was there.

    This whole situation launched the Summer of Sorrow: 2012 Edition. While Darcy knew how I felt, she never returned the feelings or attempted to talk about them. She’d draw back when things seemed to get too intense, and yet come crawling back to me when she was ready or it was convenient. This is a pattern that has continued up until present time.

    I remember the evening clearly. It was just a few days, before she was to leave for a two week vacation to Europe, when she finally contacted me in late June. We picked up as if nothing had changed, as if she hadn’t just shut me out for X amount of weeks. But I, being my understanding self, went along with it and rejoiced the fact we were finally talking again.

    I waited patiently for her to return from vacation, as she’d said we would talk once she got home. I remember I was watching Grease and recovering from a nasty bee sting (that had required steroids) the afternoon I got the text saying she was home. I was overjoyed, but that didn’t last long.

    Slowly things got bad again, and I found myself falling into a depression, one where I had suicidal thoughts at times, but I had to snap out of it. She was moving across the country to NY to begin college, while I started all over at a new university in August. I focused on the new school year and starting over, saying I was over her, and that we could be friends, and that it was all going to work out. And for a while, it did.

    Taylor Swift released her album Red in October, and I found myself weeping to most of those songs because they made me think of Darcy; a lot of songs made/make me think about her. I soon found myself talking to her again on a regular basis, letting her in, flirting back, and smiling like an idiot. This emotion continued on and off until January when my second semester started, and I just went, because of the emotional exhaustion, “I’m done with this crap!” And I really thought I was.

    And yet, I found myself back where I’ve been several times before, but I was/am so tired. This endless cycle we’ve seemed to have gotten in to. It’s flirting, caring, and warm… but ignoring the giant elephant. I won’t push her to open up, that is not me at all. But her keeping me at arm’s length so she can reel me back in when needed, not a fan. I will support her as a friend through no matter what, but the ignoring my feelings and at times using them, I don’t like. It’s truly harder than you could ever imagine.

    I fell in love with this girl. A girl that I had never met in person, had a strict internet and text relationship with, yet she can shake my world with a single word. While I would wait forever for this girl, I can’t do that without some guarantee of my feelings being returned. I wear my heart on my sleeve, she very well knows how I feel, but she rejects it repeatedly. I was talking to my friend and I told her, referring to Darcy, “I’d treat her like a queen, you know?” and my friend said, with obvious empathy, “I know you would.”

    From my understanding, and that of our mutual friends, Darcy experienced a very serious loss a few years ago when a close friend of hers died in an accident. We all think that she’s now afraid to let anyone in because they could up and die or leave her at any time. She is very hard to read, and doesn’t let anyone in easily, because she seems to be closed off with all of us. This proves to be hard and frustrating for people like me. Darcy is not a bad person by any means; she’s just very protected due to her experiences. In all honesty, she needs friends- good friends.

    I want to still be friends with her, and right now my feelings, which are all over the place, are getting in the way of me being a good and honest friend. Help?

    If any questions, please ask. If something’s confusing or whatever, just let me know.

    Thanks.
     
  2. Gravity

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    In all honesty - and I know this isn't what you want to hear - I don't suspect that being friends with Darcy is going to be a positive thing for you.

    Basically, in your post I see a lot of evidence for why you feel negatively about her, but not a lot of evidence for what you like about her. Try asking yourself, very honestly, what positive things she brings into your life - is it really worth feeling this way for over a year in order to just wait around until she decides she wants to contact you?

    Also, I have to say, if you're being upfront about your feelings and she's still not responding, then the person who's keeping this going is you - not her. She may have some boundary issues and be leading you on when she knows she wants something different than you do, but from what I hear, she's giving you no indication that an ongoing friendship, or even a relationship, is on the table in any way. And I don't get the sense that a friendship is what you want from her at the end of the day, either.

    Overall, you have this friendship with someone you've never met - you want something from her that she doesn't want from you - you're both in different places of the country at different stages of your lives - and your prevailing emotions in relation to her are all negative ones. I think it might be best to realize that she's not going to come around to your point of view and try devoting your energies to other friends closer to hand. Imagine how nice it would be to be around someone who actually wants to talk and spend time together. The perfect person isn't perfect if she doesn't like you back.