Ugh, so at this point I haven't spoken to my parents on the phone since around Christmas(I live 2,000 miles away)...I last emailed my dad on Facebook 3-4 weeks ago. I just got to the point where I couldn't handle them anymore. Being friends with them on facebook was probably the worst thing I ever could have done. But, I miss them, y'know? My dad, at least. My mom was very mean to me growing up, and at this point in my life...I really feel like I hate her. She's an ignorant fool that's made me want to do terrible things on more than one occasion. She once told me she'd kill me if I turned out gay...so you can imagine how that made me feel. And that was only one time on one day. My sister is pleading with me to keep them in my life. She promises me that they will adjust when I come out, that they will still love me. I have a hard time believing my mom ever loved me to begin with, so how am I to believe that? Has anyone here ever had such a falling out, so to speak, with their parents? What happened? Were you able to forgive and move on, and how did you find that strength?
You´re in a difficult situation. You´re mother has already indicated that she doesn´t want you to be gay, and that´s really unfair for you. Remember though, even when she´s mean or cruel, she is your mum. She probably doesn´t want you to be gay because she´s afraid of it, or thinks that you couldn´t possibly be happy. Show her you are happy when you come out to her, because you´ll have to eventually. I´m sure that behind her stern demeanor, hidden very deep down, is a mother that loves you and wants the best for you. If your father isn´t as homophobic, it might be a good idea to come out to him first. And definately remember you have your sister´s support in all this. Work thorugh your own feelings first, and when you´re sure, come out. It might not work out the way you wanted, but better than living a lie which will never make you happy. You have my blessing, and that of EC.
The relationship between you and your mother doesn't sound like a positive, or healthy, one for you to be in, so my advice would be to cut her out of your life if at all possible. This may be harder, especially since your sister is asking you to keep both of your parents in your life, but sometimes you have to put your needs first to stay emotionally and mentally healthy. This decision, I believe, needs to be made by you: not your sister, or anyone else, because you'll be the one to live with the consequences of the decision, not them. You didn't mention it above, I believe, so how's your relationship with your dad? Also, how is your sister's relationship with your parents? I haven't had any falling out with my parent, similiar to your situation or not, but it may be helpful for you to know that I'm adopted and don't have any contact with my birth parents. They're not people living healthy lives/making healthy choices, so having them in my life would only drag me down - that's how I feel about it anyway. I haven't been able to forgive them but I've slowly been letting go of the emotions connected with that. Hope this helps, and all the best no matter what you decide.
My relationship with my dad is significantly better than the one with my mom. I have always been a daddy's girl. But, I haven't really been able to gauge what his reaction might be to my coming out. Last time I visited them he basically told me while he "doesn't have a problem with gays" he "doesn't think they should get married." He's a very old school conservative military man that has gotten quite religious as he's aged. I do miss him though. My sister...she has a much better relationship with them. She's their perfect daughter. It's always been that way in my family. I was the black sheep, and she could do no wrong. They take her on cruises and vacations, pay her bills, and basically do everything for her. It's been a big source of resentment for me for most of my life. I was reading the letters in the resources tab of the site. It made me think that maybe I should just write them a letter and be done with it. If they choose to be in my life after that, then I will welcome them...but if they disappoint me again, I guess I'll just learn to deal with that and move on. I'm sick of having toxic people in my life.
Your dad may be supportive of you despite his initial misgivings about gay people and marriage. On this site, quite recently, actually, someone (Let's say the person's name is Taylor, because it's androgynous, and I forget who posted it) posted about how their friend(s) and family did not think gay people should marry, but that they would go to Taylor's wedding with a same-sex partner anyways. I'd suggest that you give your dad a chance, for sure. As for whether you should give your mom a chance or not... It's up to you.
