Smoking a deal breaker?

If you tell him you're going to break up with him because you can't stand his smoking he's going to try to quit anyway as if you gave him the ultimatum. So, you get what you want either way. Congrats?

 

It's not incredibly hard to go from "social" smoking to no smoking. Have you talked to him about it at all, to see if he has any intention of quitting?

Short of telling him that's the reason, you're either going to have to lie, or just break up with him without providing any explanation.

 

Why are you against helping him quit smoking. There are ways of helping him quit without giving him an ultimatum. If you really love him as you say you do, then you should want to help him live a healthy lifestyle.

There is a big difference between changing someones personality and changing a bad habit. Making someone change their personality (melodramatic, needy, stubborn, etc) is much different than offering to help someone quit smoking or drinking or something else that is a positive life change.

If he is incapable of quitting, then it is a different story and something you need to consider more deeply, but for now, I think telling him how much it bothers you and maybe helping him quit it is a better option than either of the two you have listed above.

 

If he doesn't smoke when he's with you, then his level of addiction probably isn't very high, and should not be too hard of a habit to get rid of. It's a lot more difficult for chronic smokers though.

Try to talk to him again about possibly stopping smoking, pressing that you're not comfortable with it and that it bothers you to taste tobacco when you kiss him, or smell it when you hug him. At least that's how I'd go about it.

 

You do have options here. First off you shouldn't feel like a horrible person, you don't like him smoking because you care about him. You are a good person that genuinely cares about him. That said, however, I think it would be quite cold of you to just dump him without an explanation, or even worse a lie. I agree with the others that you should probably frame the discussion as a choice for him.

I will try to say this as lightly as possible. Your decision to just end it does seem a little harsh. If his habit is that big of a deal and you both truly love each other, I would think there has to be a way to work through this. Now I understand your distaste for smoking and I'm sorry to hear about your family, but if he makes it a point to not smoke in your presence is it that big of a deal? If he spent a lot of time in the sun (increased risk of skin cancer) or ate a lot of deep fried food (increased risk of colon cancer), would you feel the same way? If he worked a dangerous job that put his life at risk every day would you feel the same? I guess I'm just wondering if it really is his health you are concerned with, or if it is just his smoking.

 

as a smoker myself i'd be a bit pissed off ....if you cant accept it then let him go... or he will let you go...

but then he's a social smoker so he might quit for you if he does "love you"
me personally i'd walk out if i was given that ultimatium

 

The way I'm reading this is that this is someone you've met fairly recently, and things have advanced quickly to the point where you're heavily emotionally involved before finding out that he has that one habit you cannot tolerate in a relationship. This is, unfortunately, one of the pitfalls of falling madly, truly, deeply for someone within a relatively short period of time; eventually you start to find out little things that can cause cracks in the relationship.

Depending on how long you mean by relatively recently you may not have experienced the full extent of his smoking habit; I lived with someone who smoked two packs a day "socially" yet never once smoked in front of me. It was not that his addiction was any less than someone who chain smoked constantly, but simply that he had come to associate certain situations with smoking and as such smoked in those situations. For him social smoking was a habit that was hard to break, just as hard as a chain smoker and in many ways harder as those in the social situations he smoked in were not able to provide him the support he needed when temptation rose its head. My sister smokes, but never at home. Her clothes smell of smoke, and while not as strong as some of the chain smokers I know the faint smell of smoke is enough for a nonsmoker such as myself to find it lingers in the nostrils.

As smoking was so intertwined with being social he found it difficult to break; he'd go out with friends, and if he did not smoke he found himself missing out on the social aspect of smoking as he did not feel comfortable being in those situations without a cigarette. It is often not as simple as simply giving up social smoking, but the ease at which one stops smoking does come down to the individual. Some can give up from chain smoking 50 a day without a second glance, others struggle in giving up their 3 a day habit. It's all about getting to know the person who smokes and whether they genuinely want to give up.

He seemed sad when you mentioned your disapproval of smoking, and I think that's something worth talking about. I'm not sure I agree with the whole "you need to decide what is more important" stance, mostly because as many negatives as smoking has and as against it as someone may be it is a stance I find slightly unfair for the non-smoker to make. You can have all these wonderful reasons for not wanting your partner to smoke, science and everything to back you up, but at the end of the day it is their personal choice just as it is your personal choice not to smoke.

Discussing your thoughts on smoking, finding out theirs, and explaining that your beliefs and views on smoking make you unable to continue a relationship with someone who smokes, is something I'd encourage. Don't worry about making him sad or making him cry, don't lecture him or launch into statistics about death and disease, just tell him how you feel about this and why it is so important to you. I would be cautious given that this is his first serious relationship and people can make all sorts of promises to keep one going, but that is why it is important to be fair.

Discuss your stance, be open with him, but I'd avoid anything that sounded like you were giving him a choice between you or smoking. Just discuss it, listen to his views, and see where you go.

 

Smoking is a huge turn off to me. You are very right - it's disgusting and horrible for your health.

That being said, you have someone who could potentially be a wonderful connection for you. As a member of the Feels-Like-I'll-Be-Single-Forever Club, I would really look at this person and think twice about smoking. NOW, it's always a two way street. I think your best bet would be to be honest. Hello - you've had a really bad time with smoking! You have seen what it can do, and that really scares you...as it should.

I think this conversation can fit with anything and anyone - if someone eats too much or any other type of un-healthy practice.

You could suggest that he quits, or if it comes to it, maybe he will just have to do it when you aren't going to be around. Maybe he will eventually see that you matter more, and he will change.

The other part, though, is that maybe you can take this as a learning tool for yourself. Instead of throwing away a potential relationship over this (I about crapped when I read you were going to end it. SEND THIS PERSON MY WAY, THEN!) maybe you need to reevaluate how you handle what really matters. Be up front with people?

Best of luck!

 

Oh dear, I wish I had caught this post sooner. :eek:

I have several friends that are trying to quit smoking, and sometimes it can be a very long and arduous process. Unfortunately for them, they were introduced to cigarettes at a young age, and long standing addictions can be difficult to break, but not impossible. They both consider smoking a horrible habit, and it's just that - a habit. Changing a habit is a lot different than changing a person. I don't intrinsically connect smoking to who someone is as a person, so I wouldn't feel poorly when asking them to quit. You're not a bad person for wanting him to be healthy; in fact it's quite the opposite.

One thing to note is that, depending on the person and severity of their addiction, it is not uncommon for "recovering" smokers to fall off the wagon every now and then. For example, my friend's mom quit smoking over ~30 years ago, and she has said that she's only slipped a few times in all those years. She always feels an urge to light up when others are smoking (I don't know if nicotine supplements help with this), but resists. Speaking of which, she was given an ultimatum by her husband, and they've been together for a long time. While it worked for him, I disagree with ultimatims in general.

As you said, he wants to stop, but he needs help. The goal now is to praise progress. When he hasn't smoked for days you can throw in some compliments e.g. "you smell/taste so good". When he slips up you can tell him he smells awful and tastes like an ash tray :icon_bigg. Just know that as long as he is making an honest effort, that's all you should ask for.

PS: Don't let him smoke around you :smilewave

 

I'd be afraid of blowing lunch all over him when the image of my tongue buried in a full ash tray popped in to my head.