I am 18 and my girlfriend is 34 is this a problem?

Don't listen to others, if it's working for you then it's fine. Listen to your heart, not your friends or whatever.

 

well.... youre 18 now so the answers will change now i guess because youre an adult.

however it would concern me that a then 32 years old woman would want to date a 16 year old, yes thats the age of consent but.... personally i would question why she wouldnt want to date someone at least 20. youve been dating for 2 years so i assume she has met your parents (if youre out... im just guessing sorry), do they like her/whats their opinion on your relationship?

if you have to question if something is right though, it is most probably not right otherwise you wouldnt question it.

 

I'm cautious when it comes to age gaps over 10 years, particularly when the youngest member entered into the relationship in their teens, and I think that the general feeling a lot of people have towards those sort of age gaps leads to the automatic assumption that it won't last. I will freely admit that the fact she was in her thirties when you were 16 and became involved in a relationship with you would concern me, but that is me projecting my thoughts on such relationships.

I do not think they're bad, and I think many people have fulfilling relationships with such age gaps, but I also think that if you are happy in the relationship and there is nothing regarding the relationship that raises any red flags then there's nothing bad about your relationship.

Without knowing either of you I cannot say anything about whether your particular situation is anything to be concerned about. Enjoy it, let it grow, and really who cares if people say it won't last? If it doesn't, it doesn't, and if it does it does, that's the risk you take with any relationship.

 

I personally think it's about how happy you are with her. If your happy and it works then there no problem. I personally would struggle with that age gap however that just me, that doesn't mean you will. It's not about what other people say it's about what you want.

 

I'd say it's a problem. You're in totally different stages of life, and she's going to have a lot more experience and power in the relationship.

I'm not saying it definitely has to be unhealthy, but there's a very strong probability that it will be. Especially since many older people who seek out younger partners are unhealthy to begin with.

 

Well... Presumably, she has finished all her schooling, gone through a few jobs, and lives by supporting herself, without her parents' help, all while accumulating a lot of life experience along the way.

I don't know if you've had a job or a few, or have finished all your school, and all, but those are big differences. It'd be like comparing someone with her first newborn child to a mother of 6 grown men, as parents, as a slight exaggeration.

It's hard to know as an outsider if the relationship is healthy, especially as we don't know the two of you in person. Furthermore, there's tons of potential that is frequently abused for emotional mistreatment and more, to say the least.

If you're happy, and the relationship is healthy, and everything's fine and all, then... it's really up to you. Everything that Chip has said is not unfounded, though. To reiterate one thing he's said, is there a reason you asked this question?

 

I don’t really consider that more life experience, but anyhow it's an emotional maturity thing.

I know people have relationships with large age gaps, and that’s perfectly fine especially when they work healthily, but usually it happens when the younger party is older than sixteen (and even eighteen) at the start. As others have said though, if you are comfortable and happy, and you feel it is a healthy relationship and your girlfriend feels the same, have at it. I am not at all meaning to sound like I am talking bad about you guys/her, but if down the line something makes you wonder at motives on either of your sides (you or her) listen to that feeling.

 

Hey its your life... if you guys love eachother then that's the main thing... screw what other people say... theyré not the one's in the relationship... and whatever happens, happens.. let time unveil things for you guys... enjoy the moment that you have and let dont question the future coz the more you think about it the more stressful you'll be.
if she makes you happy why question it?

 

agree with chip.

This = bad, unhealthy, and likely a regretful future

 

I agree with Chip too. Im 18 as well and the very thought of being involved in a relationship with a person who is twice my age is a little disconcerting. I have no doubt that you both love eachother, but logically to me anyway, this relationship sounds kind of unusual

 

As I think you only asked this because you're curious as to why people think it's such a big deal and not because you want any sort of analysis over your particular relationship, I'll use you relationship (or rather the details you have provided) and use that to base my opinion on.

I'm old than you by 7 years. Not much, but enough for me to feel uncomfortable getting into a relationship with someone around your age. Two years ago I would have felt exactly the same about getting into a relationship with someone in the 16-20 age bracket. I've lived independently in one form or another for 9 years, I've paid council tax, managed household budgets, and worked consistently throughout that period of time. Now having one job in 16 years is not lacking in life experience, and indeed I'd feel she had more as she has held down one job for 16 years while I've had 4 in 9 years. It wouldn't matter to be that some overlapped, that's 16 years of solid work experience.

It's common practice amongst people from my particular background to stay at home until they have enough money to move out and live well. It may well have taken her 16 years to do this, and if she's living rent free then I'd imagine that unless she's spending it in a particularly spendthrift fashion her savings will enable the eventual move out of her parents home to be smooth. So this wouldn't cause me any problems. She's working, she has somewhere to live, it's fine.

However if someone told me her partner happened to be 18, 17 when they met, I'd question how they met and why she pursued a relationship with the younger individual. Despite what many, many people in their teens say the vast majority look like teenagers at 17. As mature and experienced as one may be for a teen, you're still a teen. I know exactly how older (wo)men are viewed when they date individuals in their teens by those who are older and not interested in relationships with much younger individuals and it is generally not positive. The reason for the bolded the bit is that in my experience those who support such relationships are those involved in them or, at times, those who wish to be involved in such a relationship. Add to that the issues I have seen in the majority of relationships with an age gap over 10 years and you have a very negative view on this sort of relationship.

I have never said that age gap relationships won't last, but I question the way in which they function. Having seen far too many older individuals effectively groom younger ones by saying all the right things and knowing exactly which buttons to press to make the younger individual feel as if there's a special , deep emotional connection between them when all that is going on is there's an older individual revelling in the delights of having a young person as their partner but ultimately only being with them as they are easier to mould, I am cautious about people entering into those sort of relationships.

Now I personally find Chip's tone a little unnecessary, as honestly we have no idea what your relationship dynamics are like and one should not judge the fact someone is living at home in their thirties as any sort of measure of their ability to be a good partner in terms of growth. We're seeing more and more individuals living at home in their thirties as they're unable to get a foothold on the property ladder and really not paying rent is sensible if you're putting away savings to start a life. I do think that in this particular scenario the whole life experience thing is less that you have more experience, but that she has not reached the milestones associated with being in your thirties.

I would have concerns, but I would not say the situation itself is unhealthy. I cannot project my feelings of negativity onto a relationship I really know nothing about regardless of all the facts and figures or personal experience. I can only say that I would be uncomfortable with any of the young people I know entering into a relationship with someone in their thirties and I would honestly hope that my worries would be eased through getting to know the couple.

Some of them work in a healthy fashion, many do not. I shall not comment specifically on your situation as you were asking for general opinions on why people respond with "it won't last" when they find out the age difference, rather than why people assume your relationship in particular will not last as I assume most of these people are not provided with a background to the relationship prior to jumping to that comment? Especially as you say it tends to be new people you meet who are shocked by it. I'd be shocked by it and honestly I'd probably forget myself and say something along the lines of "but you're so young, why would you even be with someone in their thirties?!".

 

I fully understand the need to get society's approval or at least some people's approval on your relationship. But at some point you have to ask yourself, even if EVERYBODY on EC disapproves, and trundle out a list of reasons why you shouldn't be with her, how will it affect you?

I doubt anybody here knows you, your girlfriend, your life, etc enough to be able to dictate what will make you happy and what won't. Tons of people used to think that gay people can never be happy and gay relationships are never healthy because they didn't get a chance to actually fall in love with someone of the same sex. This is similar in the sense that no one here knows what it's like to be you and to be with your girlfriend.

Conventional wisdom dictates that when people give advice on how one should live in order to be happy, they are often wrong. So the person you need to ask is yourself. Do you think it's a problem?

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And I'm going to say this out of anger and spite: holy crap are we arrogant. Even professional psychologist do not have the confidence to diagnose someone and provide advice with regards to direction without hours long of consultation. Worst of all, this is a support forum, no one should ever feel pushed or pressured to do something by us amateurs who base our advice on a few simple posts.

 

I know this is a big thread, so I'm getting in a little late...but I was waiting for the "come to Jesus moment" and I think this is it.

Here's my thoughts...one of my closest friends is 20. Her BF/baby daddy is 36. He's a great guy. I really, really like him. However, he has a 2 year old already, and has never been married. Personally, that's a little off putting. That does not mean they should end it. It's something, though, that does worry me a bit. He's a WONDERFUL guy. He just might have a bad choice in women (until now! )

Don't think we are trying to humiliate you. We are trying to be honest and open. And frankly, you asked us a question, which means you've probably been thinking about it.

I don't know if you'll read this. I hope you do.

The biggest concern here is that you were 17 (which is only one year from 16.) That's not normal. Again, doesn't mean it is bad, but it's definitely not something that's happening everyday. You change A LOT in such a short amount of time. When I was 16, I was different. I was much more anxious and thought I ran the world - same for 17.

We just want you safe. Typically, as bad as this sounds, relationships like that aren't good. We know this because we've seen it happen.

Best of luck.

 

I'm sorry we made you feel that way, sometimes we see so many negative things that we forget how to balance our opinions. You're happy in your relationship, and if you're happy and your partner is happy that should be supported. As I said previously it doesn't matter what we think, you're living this, and we are distant strangers. You said it yourself, new people are shocked but your mother is fine with it. Personally if a family member were fine with it I'd take whatever internet people say about my relationship with a huge bucket of salt.

We assume the worst, hope for the best, and unfortunately many of us (myself included) have no idea how to word ourselves appropriately to prevent people from feeling isolated within a community that is here to help. I hope you do post again, it is always nice to see another person from garden posting .