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Lesbian/FtM relationship...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by CrowAleron, Apr 24, 2013.

  1. CrowAleron

    CrowAleron Guest

    So there's this girl...who's a guy in all but body. I liked him, before he came out, then was disappointed when I found out he was truly a guy- not to sound shallow. I support him fully, but am just not attracted to guys.
    Now he's told me he likes me (and has for a while.) He knows I'm les, but made the excuse that he's still physically female ("has the parts" and might not ever have the surgery.)
    I'm not entirely opposed to the idea of *us* except for the fact that I might not be able to be...attracted to him because of his, well, maleness. I'm not experienced in the ways of relatuonships, so I'm torn as to whether or not this would be worth a shot at all.
    I hope that all makes sense...
    Advice is greatly appreciated!
     
  2. myheartincheck

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    Well I think that if you are not attracted to him, then you have your answer. He may have the parts of a woman, but would he really feel comfortable if you got to the intimacy aspect of a relationship using those parts? He may feel very dysphoric and unsettled with his body on that level and may just be bargaining because he likes you.

    I think the main question however is how you feel about him. If you are not attracted to men, this may not be the best relationship for you. Also how would you feel if he DID get the surgery? Just some things to consider. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Sandsworn

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    So I find some of your post very problematic. From the start: "So there's this girl..."

    Well, no, he's not a girl. He's a man. It's good that, later on in your post, you recognise him as such, but the beginning part strikes me as a bit cissexist.

    Moving on.

    If you're a lesbian, and you're not attracted to maleness, then yeah, it's going to be hard to be attracted to him since he has that 'maleness' you talk about. I agree with the first reply that this might not be the best relationship for either of you - you might still see him as partly a woman due to his physical nature, not to mention you currently identify as a lesbian, but if you entered into a relationship with him you would not be in a lesbian relationship. Are you okay with this? A month down the line, would you be okay with this? Is he truly okay with being in a relationship with someone who identifies as a lesbian?

    If you really think you'll be able to see him as fully male and be attracted to him despite that, and he's okay with your identity, then why not? It doesn't seem like you're too into the idea of a relationship with him, but worse comes to worst, you try it out, it doesn't work, it ends.

    Overall, you have to decide if you're comfortable with dating a man, and whether that man is comfortable dating a woman who identifies as a lesbian.
     
  4. HeyAshley

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    if you're a lesbian this won't work. might as well just quit now before you find yourself in a mess. if you're bisexual/bicurious/whatever then you might want to pursue a little further and see if it's something that might work. but girls who like girls & only girls, aren't going to last with a male counterpart.
     
  5. Jubalinha

    Jubalinha Guest

    I think if you liked her/him you wouldnt have any doubts about it.You would just go for it.
     
  6. Eliza

    Eliza Guest

    Yeah... If he identifies as a man, he's not respecting your lesbian identity by trying to date you. And if you identify as a lesbian, you're not respecting his male identity by trying to date him.

    I find it a little confusing that a trans guy would want to date a lesbian-- some trans men are absolutely offended by the very idea-- but I've heard of FtM/lesbian relationships that work out, and I think people should do whatever works for them.

    But you're not attracted to him because he's a guy, so... it's not working for you, which is the real issue here.
     
  7. Oddish

    Oddish Guest

    If you are not attracted to him, the relationship will not work. Regardless of him having female parts, he identifies as male and therefore is male. You can't identify as a lesbian yet date an FtM, regardless of him having female genitals/female physique. It's a heterosexual relationship if you pursue it. "FtM/lesbian relationship" is an oxymoron. It does not exist.

    Judging by how you're taking this, I would say not to pursue it. It'll save you a lot of time and heartache.
     
  8. Carbine

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    I agree that the beginning statement "so there's this girl" sounds cissexist. There were easier and less...offensive-sounding ways to establish his transgenderism. But that's not the point. If you are attracted to him at all...maybe you aren't completely gay. Just a thought. But if he's aware of this, maybe his feelings for you are pretty strong. I think the best course of action is to bring all of this up with him and see where it goes.
     
  9. Nick07

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    This is a very interesting problem. I find it fantastic that you can see a man in FtM person to the extend that you can't date him because you are a lesbian.

    NO ONE I know feels that way. Sadly.
     
  10. Sarah1

    Sarah1 Guest

    I think that the idea "if you're a les you can't date FTM" is not entirely true cuz yeah you aren't attracted to "guys" but this person is not exactly the same as other guys he kind of goes into a special category that could be attractive to lesbians. But I'm not experienced in this situation. It probably just depends on how the two of you feel about each other and how your lifestyles would fit together. Bonne chance
     
  11. drwinchester

    drwinchester Guest

    ....

    ....

    ...

    ....

    Special category? ....

    This is not cissexist in any way, shape, or form, no. :dry:
     
  12. Sarah1

    Sarah1 Guest

    Am I wrong? I respect people's identity. I mean this in the most honest way possible But it's true that a trans male is different in some ways than biological males.
     
  13. drwinchester

    drwinchester Guest

    So you're right in that regard but I happen to take offense with your wording. Emphasizing that transmen are a "special category", and thus aren't true men but "male-lesbians."
     
  14. Carbine

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    See, I agree with that. But I don't really see it as trans vs. cis. A guy is a guy. A girl's a girl. To me, someone *is* whatever gender they say they are/whatever they ID as. Period. My boyfriend is trans. People ask all these wierd questions about it being lesbianism or pansexuality. I just don't understand. If I'm a chick and he's a guy...well...it's a heterosexual relationship. Same for Crow. To me you + him= straight couple. But I guess that's pretty opinionated.
     
  15. WillowMaiden

    WillowMaiden Guest

    "So there's this girl...who's a guy in all but body."

    First off, kudos to the OP. From a writer angle, I really like that sentence, it has a nice ring to it, literarily speaking. I don't know if you meant to do that, so congrats on a happy accident. "There was once a woman, man in all, but body." Oh, that sounds good, doesn't it? I'm gonna have to put that in a story.

    Anyway, you guys throwing around your judgments over a sentence, take it easy. Even if you deem it inappropriate or inaccurate, is it really so much so that she's being "cissexist?" Is it really that deep? This girl obviously cares about the guy, so it's insulting to tell her she's being a bigot or "bigot-y" toward him. I don't see how this is "cissexist" or offensive when she's saying it in reference to a guy who's told her "we can make it work 'cause I've still got my lady parts."

    The introduction of the person is fitting in the context provided. In a general sense, no the intro wouldn't work for all trans persons, but we're not talking about all transpeople. For this particular guy, there's nothing wrong with that sentence. So...yeah, not trying to start anything, just saying some of you are gettin' a little uppity there for no reason. You know, it's a little difficult to want to open up around you lot when before you even give 'em any advice, you scold/condescend/judge a person on how they asked for it.

    Anywho, back to the OP. Doll, if you're not attracted to him then I'm with the others, don't force yourself. You can still care about him and be in his life, but you don't have to force yourself to be in a relationship with him. He may think he'd be okay with that, but it's really insulting and time wasting for both of you. Eh, don't get mixed up in that. Just be his friend and move on romantically. Good luck. :slight_smile:
     
  16. Carbine

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    Actually, I happen to know that Crow's a writer. We know each other through a writing website. She edits my work. So that was likely intentional lol. I also know that she deleted her account *because* she felt she'd made a fool of herself by coming off as cissexist.
    I quite like your perspective, actually. Sometimes we tend to be so anti-offensive that we end up being a little harsh...
     
  17. WillowMaiden

    WillowMaiden Guest

    That's great! Do pass along my admiration of her poetic phrasing if you should run into her on another site. I was wondering why her name box looked funny. It's too bad the attitudes ran her away, but I understand just walking away from the whole lot of it. I've felt made a fool myself more than a few times on here, which is why I stay out of a lot of threads when I see more people than not have that kind of attitude. You know, like...abrasive in the name of social justice, but still abrasive. Some people tend to jump so quickly at the chance to right someone's wrong, that I often wonder what drives them more: righting a wrong or that feeling of power in doing so. I think it's usually the latter most of the time. ...Well jeez, I wish I would have bumped into Crow around here before this. I really want to talk to her about writing now. haha
     
  18. TransMan

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    Hello :slight_smile: I'd loving being able to post on this topic.
    This can be a very challenging dynamic relationship and I am pretty equip to give advice on this topic .
    I am 37 and an FTM . I knew at age 4 that I was definitely born into the wrong body .
    Growing up in Appalachia also in the generation I grew up in , there were no support available so what I felt was kept to myself and I was left to figure things out and suppress and live a life of lies until I hit 21 and found the world of lgbt .
    Growing up in the junior high to high school years , I was only attracted to straight girls . To be honest , nobody knew anyone homosexual in my area bc it wasn't discussed.
    Being an ftm and finding dates and love is very difficult for us bc lets face it , straight girls aren't interested bc of not wanting to be with one born into a female body whether one is pre or post op GRS, and on the other spectrum , a lot of lesbians aren't interested bc of well being attracted to the female body.
    So as ftms we typically are most acceptable in the butch femme community with stone femme women .
    So long story shortened here is that my partner of 3 years now is a lesbian who IDs as a lesbian who has never been attracted to a male, and has only ever dated lesbians who fall more into an androgynous range fell madly in love with me. She and I are 100% opposites in every direction .
    She is 27, I'm 37. She is half Hispanic/African American and I'm white . She is a hipster who is trendy , listens to hip hop, grew up in new york and a vegan and I'm a country boy who hunts and fishes and dresses preppy I'm old fashioned like ward cleaver etc...
    I think you get the idea how opposite we are and we only agree on two things which are we have nothing in common yet we are madly in love and for whatever reason we fit together amazing.
    It took us 3 years and therapy to learn how to make this work bc its very hard when one is a lesbian who has never been with a man and myself who has never been with a lesbian whose only been with females .
    Its an evolving learning process to become intimate, and communication issues etc... She struggled for a ling time with the question of does this make me bisexual bc I'm in love with am ftm ????? Having this dynamic is very hard no matter how in love we are there is a lot of challenges we have faced and dealt with but here we are over 3 yrs later engaged and happy !!!! People ask us how do we work so well when we are complete opposites . Well, we both have dreamt of being happily married , we both want kids , and have the same common Devine goals of growing old and happy with someone who makes life fun and spontaneous and happy and the end goal is what made us fall in love with each other from the beginning.
    Is it hard and challenging to be with someone who IDs differently , YES !!!
    Can it work and be permanent ??? ABSOLUTELY !!!!! Can you be happy ???? YES .
    A lot of constant communication and some relationship counselling can make it much easier process.
    If you're in love. It doesn't matter dynamic one is in , if its real love for the right reasons , its possible to be very successful in any dynamic .
    Sorry this is so long , I hope it helps someone going through this topic .
    Good luck
     
  19. WillowMaiden

    WillowMaiden Guest

    Lovely story, Transman. Congratulations on the everlasting love. :grin:
     
  20. Nick07

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    beautiful, optimistic story. Thank you for sharing :slight_smile: