Hey guys, never posted on here before just looking for some advice. I'm 19 years old, out to everyone and I've been seeing a guy for about 6 months now. He's 7 years my senior and not out, and a typical alpha male. Now his parents know he's gay and one of his friends, but he's dead set about no one else knowing so everyone pretty much acts like he's just straight. Now I only really see him at night when he comes to my place, because his family doesn't know about me, we occasionally go out in public but if we do he always brings along his gay friend (who also doesn't know we are seeing each other) so it seems like we're all straight, and we always go to obscure and far away places. I'm trying to slowly get him to meet my family without pressuring him too much because I don't want him to resent me or anything for it, but it's been really difficult to make any progress. It took me 3 months just to get him to commit to me, at 4 months I finally convinced him to meet my mum but it was brief and he still won't come over for dinner or anything like that. last month after a huge argument he finally agreed to meet my aunty and cousin (I'm a kiwi so I have a huge yet very tight knit extended family) under the condition that he was introduced as a friend. I asked him about 2 weeks ago whether he would ever come out, and he said maybe in a year or two purely because he doesn't think it is anyone else's business, and won't approach the topic again. He makes excuses not to come to family events, to meet single members of family or friends, or even just do things like go clubbing or get coffee. I've been patient with him because I'm hopelessy in love with the idiot but I'm tired of feeling like I'm a secret and something to be ashamed of, I only came out last year and it was a huge step for me, and I feel like he is just undoing all the progress I thought I made. I have no LGBT friends I can talk to about this, so I was hoping someone who has been in a similar situation would be able to give me some help because I have no idea what to do and it's really starting to wear me down.:help:
Hi mate, I know you will get a lot of advice from your side of the equation but I can relate from your bf's perspective since that is sort of where I'm at with my relationship , and it's not because I don't care deeply for the person I'm with; it's just that I need more time to come to terms with feeling alright with a male relationship since I've never had one before and it's a lot more difficult than I realised. I say give him time but be clear with what you want, it may help to set definite time limits with each step, like say meet my folks in two weeks, let's go out to dinner as a couple in a month. I know it sounds weird but the doing makes it easier and it creates a dominoe effect but you absolutely have to negogiate these timelines openly and transparently and you both have to feel comfortable with it, since the bottom line is you can't force it! It's the act of getting used to being with another guy outside of sex or meeting in hidden spaces which can be a difficult barrier to overcome even if you are out since we have been socialised in such an heteronormative world, and I think it's a case where practice and taking about it helps!
Hey, thanks for your response, it's good hearing from someone from in his position to help me understand what he's thinking. I don't doubt that he loves me too and my main concern is to make sure he never feels pressured into it because I was put in a similar situation in my coming out experience, but from what he tells me he doesn't plan on changing how things are now because he doesn't see what is wrong with it. I'm always offering oppurtunities for him to come out somewhere with me, even if just as a friend, but the answer is the same; I try negotiating deadlines but it's difficult because he will never give me a straight answer and again I don't want to push it too hard so it just gets forgotten. And I'm not his first boyfriend, he's told me about his relationship before me, so it isn't exactly new to him. Don't get me wrong he is an amazing guy and he means the world to me, it's just this one recurring problem I feel is getting in the way of us making progress. I've let him know what I want from our relationship from the get-go, and I just don't know where to go from here. Did you find that being with a guy who was out while you weren't/aren't had its problems for you?
