I was writing a post about when I'd consider moving in with someone when it occurred to me that I really had some issues with relationships. I've never had a romantic relationship, all of this has been gleaned from friendships, but I'm certain it would apply in a romantic relationship. Right now, I have one friend who is a good three hours train journey away. I have no other friends. I feel lonely, but not as lonely as (I think) most others would feel. Perhaps I'm wrong, I dunno. I've been socialising much more than I was a few months ago, and I've met some people that may become friends in the future. Anyway, onto my actual issues. Firstly, trust. I trusted people in the past, and I was betrayed, many many times. I can no longer bring myself to trust anyone. My parents did a fair bit of the betraying, and the rest came from friends. This, along with gender related issues contributed to my severe depression and suicide attempts. Secondly, I find myself incapable of taking in a relationship (where people are supposed to both give and take). I can't 'reveal' myself in any meaningful way to someone, I can't let anyone do anything for me, or give me money, or anything like that. I'm not really sure how to explain why this is. But basically, I get burned out by this. I can't handle it, so I shut myself away and alienate people. Thirdly, I have trouble finding people who are willing to get to know me, and who are similar or complementary to me. This problem is only exacerbated by problems one and two. Fourth, I anticipate having some serious intimacy problems. I am concerned that I will never find someone who I can truly trust and be known by. Even my best friend, who is non-judgemental, who's stayed by me throughout my transition, who shares many of my political and philosophical views, does not know me properly, and I can't trust her properly, though I can certainly trust her more than anyone else on the planet. I don't even care whether that person is a friend or partner, I just want someone, and at the same time, I'm scared I'll just fuck it up.
It seems to me like you're approaching relationships from an all-brain no-heart angle, there's just too much thought going on there. I know it sounds like stupid and quite general advice but maybe you should just think a little less. Any kind of betrayal breeds trust issues, and at some point we've all been invited to that party. The trick is to keep drinking the punch though you know it's spiked and let it happen anyway, because from there either you'll hit the bottom or wind up high as a kite. I know it's hard to risk trust after it's been abused before, trust me, but nothing is gained without risk, so maybe just take a leap of faith every now and then. It doesn't have to be a risk at every oppurtunity, because protecting your heart is just as important, but the occasional risk is healthy and usually fun Secondly, maybe the issue is that you are too busy trying to find someone similar when maybe what you need is someone different. Sure, common ground is important but contrast can be just as good, and then it doesn't feel like you're hanging out with yourself so much if that makes sense. I'm starting to feel like I'm doing this wrong. Anyway, this is a quote I feel is entirely relevant to you: "There are no safe invesments, yet we invest anyway, because heartbreak is transient but regret is eternal." I hope this was of some small help to you good luck with everything!
But how do I think less? I just don't know how to start trusting again. I understand what you're saying about difference. I think a nice balance is important. Shared values are particularly important to me.
Maybe it's to do with how you occupy your time? Idle minds are the devil's workshop. With trust I guess it takes a particular kind of person to break through, but again the problem is when you're looking you'll never find, so maybe you should find something to invest all spare time and thought into, like a project or something?
