Keeping an ex as a friend?

Hey, I'm new around EC. =) This is probably going to be a long post, so I apologize in advance, and I'll try not to add too many personal details. I'd really appreciate some outside perspective on this... There is a tl;dr section at the bottom, too, just in case.

I'm a freshman in college, about to finish the school year. Last semester, I started the year with the intention of focusing on my studies, without planning on getting involved in any romance. But about halfway through the semester, one of my close college friends told me he liked me, and I thought he was a sweet guy, so I agreed to date him. Once I let myself really look at him, I fell for him hard, and quickly. He seemed like such a sweet, deep guy.

He was my first serious relationship, and what I felt for him was the deepest connection I have ever felt with another human being, and it caught me by surprise. So by the end of the first semester (during finals week, I should add... I'm really not proud of that, haha) I gave him my virginity. He was always more physically expressive than I was, and that was what he wanted, so I wanted him to have it. I never let him know it, but giving him that part of me was a particularly big deal for me, because I have some deep trust issues.

I never really enjoyed it much, until the last night before winter break, when I was finally able to relax with him (despite the fact that he was drunk, which upset me). But just as I was about to leave for my dorm, he told me that his hall mates called me his "fuck buddy." At this point in our relationship, neither of us was entirely sure if the other person wanted more than a friends with benefits relationship, but I knew I definitely wanted a deep, caring relationship, and the thought of a friends with benefits relationship with him was not appealing at all. I told him that it seemed like they were right, but that I hoped we had something deeper than that. He then basically told me that the night had just been a booty call, and then during break, we had little to no contact. I was so hurt and confused... I talked to a close mutual friend about it, and she said it seemed like he didn't want that kind of relationship either.

But then when we got back from break, he came out to me and it all made sense. I was the first person he came out to. And the way he told me was so sweet, again, and I just wanted to be there for him as a really close friend, even though it really hurt. And through the process of supporting him as he came out to the rest of our friend group, it forced me to stop ignoring the part of me that has always known that I am not completely straight, either.

So you would think that after such an intense relationship, we'd be the best of friends, right? But instead, it's been really off and on. We were best friends for a few weeks, but then I'd start to feel used again, and back off, but I still love him, so I'd come back and he'd use me some more. Well, it's the last few weeks of the second semester, and I need to be focusing on finals again, but I'm too stressed out from this broken relationship. And I can't tell if my strong preference for women is because I'm actually lesbian, not bi, or if it's because of so much hurting coming from this recent breakup.

I've essentially cut him out of my life now, deleted his number from my phone and stopped talking to him, but it's really difficult because we share the same group of close friends, so we keep running into each other, every day. Meanwhile I'm not out to anyone except him and three other really close friends, and I'm trying to keep our mutual friends out of this split, and it's taking its toll on me. It should be easier to avoid him next year because I'll be living on campus, and he'll be off campus, but it still really hurts, because as much as I don't want him to keep using me selfishly, I still love him, and I can't completely convince myself that I want to cut him from my life, even though logically it's the best for both of us (or is it?).

tl;dr: I'm hopelessly confused about the place my ex should take in my life, and about my orientation.

 

I haven't been having sex with him since he came out (100% gay). You guys are right, that would be clinging to a lie... But I had been letting him lean on me, emotionally. Whenever he was depressed, or needed a boost to his ego, or even when he was just bored, he knew he could just come to me and feel better. But despite my desire to remain very close friends, I don't think it was mutual, even though he said it was. When we were both down, he'd come visit until he felt better, and then regardless of how I still felt, he'd go hang out with our other friends down the hall instead. Whenever I needed him, he didn't really seem to want to be there for me. I suppose it's possible that I was misinterpreting this, and he really didn't know I still needed him so much, but I'm not so sure.

I've been keeping my distance and focusing on studying, and he's finally stopped visiting so much now, too. I can't help but worry that his depression is getting worse, but maybe that isn't my responsibility anymore. Maybe partway through the summer I'll contact him again and see if anything has changed.

I truly appreciate both of your replies. Thank you!

 

Just an update...

After my last post, I told him how I was feeling, and that I thought we should take a break from each other. He told me he agreed, and that the only way the knew he wouldn't continue to hurt me would be to stop interacting with me.

But it's been about a month now, with no contact at all since that discussion, and I still can't stop thinking of him. Everything reminds me of him, all the time.

I think the space has helped, and I guess I'm grateful for it, but at the same time, it hurts that we're not on speaking terms anymore. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get over him. Does anybody have advice?